New Group Starts October 3rd!

o-sad-christmas-dog-facebookATTENTION…..🎄We are only 12 weeks away from Christmas!🎄………….. Can you believe it? Are you going to go into the Holidays feeling healthy or dreading the shape you are in? I have a solution! A NEW WEIGH, the weight loss group I co-facilate with Sean Anderson and Gerri Helms, has openings for you! We have weekly phone meetings, and a secret Facebook page. We also offer personal support and are always first hand available to you. Won’t you join us? The cost is about half of what most Weight Loss groups charge, and you get added support and accountability! Here is the Info so you can join us. If you have questions please feel free to contact me. 712-259-1736 “A New Weigh” groups start October 3rd and 4th. There are 3 groups to choose from;
Monday Night Primary Group 7:00 PM Eastern Time,…………..http://totalkathy.com/…
Tuesday Night Primary Group 8 PM Eastern………..http://totalkathy.com/…
Monday Night Premium Group 8:00 PM Eastern….Only 4 spots available on the Monday Night Premium Group, (it fills up fast)………http://totalkathy.com/

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A Bird in an Open Cage

Sometimes I feel like a bird in an open cage. I have been a prisoner in my body so long that I do not recognize the freedom I already have. I dream of days when I am not limited by my body, yet when the opportunity arises, I seem to find an excuse why I can’t do what I dream of. Some of it is because of the remnants of depression that seems to linger, and some is fear.

I remember going to NYC for the first time. I was doing an informational shoot for Richard Simmons weight loss fitness tape “Dance Your Pants Off”. I was there with friends I had met on a weight loss cruise with Richard, and I got up early to explore my new surroundings. We arrived at our hotel late in the evening, so when morning came I showered, got dressed, and enthuastically went down to the lobby of the hotel. I was going to get coffee, and The New York Times,sit in a coffee shop and really feel the vibe of this great city. I stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the hotel, the noise, the plethora of people, and commotion was overwhelming! I was scared, and lost my courage to go out exploring on my own. I went back up to my room and waited for my roommate to wake up. I was not prepared at all for the great rush and crowded streets. Later that day we all went together exploring the city and everything was fine. Sometimes we just need someone else with us to be brave. I was use to living in a sleepy little Nebraska town, where early mornings were quite, and not very many people around. The phrase “A Town that Never Sleeps” is so true.

Sometimes I feel like that today, about life. I just spent the last decade in bed, Hiding under the covers. I woke up from that fat coma 10 years older, I have no idea what my capabilities or disabilities truly are, because they change daity. I am alone because all my friends have moved on with their lives. A lot can happen in 10 years, my friends who had school age children now have married children and grandchildren. Some have Great Grandchildren. I feel like a baby having to learn to walk all over again. But the difference is, I am alone. I don’t know many who have survived what I have survived. Honestly, most people in my situation are dead. Very few people as fat as I was live past middle age.  I believe the reason so many morbidly obese people who lose great amounts of weight gain it back because it can be terrifying.

Then I find myself crying out to God, asking him if he saved me from dying of obesity, why is it still so hard, and why am I so alone? Is this just a big joke? Does He really care, and is there a plan for my life? It seems cruel to bring someone halfway back from death, and just walk away from them to figure it out alone.

But I do believe God has a plan. I believe I am experiencing these things so someday I can hold the hand of another person who chooses to walk this path. I do not believe God makes bad things happen to people, but I believe He turns the rubble of our lives into something of value.

The door to my cage is half open. Today I choose to walk towards that open door, Some days I bust through it, and some days, the best I can do is stand in the doorway. And there are those days I just sit on top of the cage, trying to muster courage. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will fly. And when I do, all of this will makes sense. My flight will erase all the regret, and I will feel the joy and freedom I long for. This little bird, will fly like the Eagles! Will you join me?

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Happy Birthday to Me!

 

 

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Monday is my 59th Birthday. I use to love having a birthday. I loved seeing all my friends and it made me feel loved. My Mom made big deal out of the birthday of the people she loved. My beauty shop was a day long party on September 12th.  When she died, my birthdays were never the same. I have never been loved like that since she died. There is nothing that can replace the love of a Mother.

I have been a little sad all week, and questioning myself a little. I don’t have the luxury of time to get this right. My goals is to be under 237 by next year this time. That is not my ultimate goal, but it will mean I have lost the majority of it. That would give me a 300 pound loss by my 60th birthday. It will take a lot of tenacity. But I believe I can do this. Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up 140 pounds thinner. But like my friend Gerri says, if we don’t invest in it, we don’t value it near as much. I am investing!

All of this isolation is really getting to me. I am trying to apply for a discount membership to the Y up the street from my house, but they want all but my first born child. I have got to get out every day and a daily walk on that treadmill and being out with people, is just what I need. I can not afford the full price, even with the senior discount. Now they want a document from the IRS! They don’t make it easy, but, again, like my friend Gerri says, if we don’t have an investment in it, we don’t value something as much. If it’s handed over to us, there is not the same gratitude. So today I am going to poke around the IRS website and see if I can get this document. I need to quit whining.

My friend Diana is going to take me out to lunch on my Birthday. I am really looking forward to it. She said it’s my choice where we go, but honestly, I’d be thrilled with a 300 calorie Subway Sandwich. For the first time in my life the food makes no difference to me. I am just looking forward to getting out with my dear friend. I love her so much, never once has she ever judged me. It’s the friendship I embrace way more than the food.

this blog will be a year old on September 18th. That was the day I quit trying to do this alone, and made the choice to quit being a victim. I started being accountable on this blog, to all of you. Listen, if you want to lose weight, or change anything significant in your life, you do not need to do it alone. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to do it alone. Being overweight is an isolating disease. And the bigger we get, the more isolated we become, first by choice.  But as it progresses, we no longer have a choice, we simply lose our dignity then mobility. I existed day by day, looking forward to my next meal and living on the internet all day. I wasted almost a decade of my life in isolation. Never planning to watch the days turn into years. If you are telling yourself your life will never get as bad as mine was, you are only fooling yourself. I use to say that about some of the sad stories I would hear about others who never left their homes and then never left their beds. Then it happened.

So maybe today is your day. Maybe you will start today, right now, making changes in your life. So get rid of all those excuses, even the ones that have validation, reach out for help from someone who has what you want. Start living instead of just existing. Then, please write me and tell me about your dreams and progress. I believe in you! It’s never too late.

Be blessed everyone!

Contentment

 

 

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We had an interesting topic last night in the weight loss group, “A Better Weigh” that I co-facilitate with Sean Anderson and Coach Gerri Helms. Several members spoke of how they use food as a reward, and as in my last blog post referred to banking calories for that evening reward meal. So we went around the room, and asked each person to come up with a non-food reward for themselves. It was a great topic, and I got a lot out of it.

I have been thinking about this a lot. My relationship with food has more impact on my weight than the kind of food or amount I eat. I find if my relationship with food is in a good place, the rest all falls in place. Isn’t that the same, in some ways as a good marriage?

I love this Arctic Zero ice cream. It’s very low calories, and even if you eat the whole pint it is still under 150 calories. I got a nice stash of it in my freezer. I was noticing that when I plan to eat it at night after Dinner, it becomes this big reward. The big event of my evening. Then when I eat it, although I stay under my allotted amount of calories, sometimes I struggle with wanting more to eat the rest of the evening even though I am physically full. .

could this possibly be true simply because of my relationship with that ice cream? Am I making it a bigger reward and event in my day, then it disappoints when I eat it?  It does not deliver the satisfaction I expect. I wanting more? Or is it like binge watching something on Netflix? When I have spent nights watching something until 3 AM, and when it is suddenly over I feel a loss, and crave something just as good to watch? Someone once asked Rockefeller how much money was enough, he replied “one more dollar”.

Putting something so high on a pedestal that it makes you believe it will bring happiness and satisfaction is a pipe dream. Joy, contentment and happiness comes from within. When my relationship with food is alined correctly, I actually enjoy what I am eating much more. My expiations are not so high that I am setting myself up for disappointment. I end up taking time to really enjoy what I am eating. I read someplace that we only really taste the first couple of bites of anything we eat.

This works the same for me with portions. When I bake fries in my oven, sometimes I would get way overboard and end up with them piled high on my plate. I just gobble them down quickly and do not stop to really taste them. But a couple of nights ago I carefully weighed out the appropriate amount and they were the best baked fries I have had in ages. More is not always better. More does not satisfy me in a greater way. Simple, but true.

Afterwards, I am so much more satisfied. My mind is not obsessive anymore. It’s almost magical. contentment is a powerful thing. Happiness and Joy are wonderful, but contentment is everlasting. I strive to be content with what I eat today and not expect it to be the biggest event of my day. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not based on what I am planning to eat.

 

Brain over Binge

 

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About a year and a half ago I read a book called, Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hanson. It was a scientific approach to how our brains create urges that lead to a binge. This book totally changed my approach to fighting off an urge to overeat. Kathryn has recently offered a free ebook workbook on how to deal with fighting off an urge. Here is the link to the  Brain over Binge FREE ebook  .

I downloaded this little ebook and found it to be plethora of information.

“If you didn’t have binge urges, you would not binge, no matter what else is going on in your life, no matter what emotions you are feeling, no matter what problems you are facing.

There is nothing inherent about strong emotions or life’s problems that make you binge. It is the urge that drives your behavior, regardless of when, where, how, or why they surface, You’re urges encompass all of the thoughts, feelings, physical sensation, and cravings that make you feel compelled to binge.”

I spent years digging deep with therapist and reading books thinking if only I could find out WHY I have the urge to eat, then I could find the answer to stop it. But the bottom line is, its not the “why” it’s the urge, that makes me over eat!

The urge sensation comes from our lower or primal brain. The is the part of our brain that kicks in the survival mode, and can convince you of believing you can not stop eating.

“You have control over your voluntary muscles. The lower brain can not make you walk to the refrigerator or pick up the food.

The higher brain gives you identity, reason, and most importantly for binge eating, recovery-your self control functions. All the lower bran can do is encourage you to binge, and send the signals of craving, but you can always decide what to do when you experience the urge. 

If you think about your life now, there are times when you use self-control ver effectively. There are also certain things you would never consider doing, because of a strong moral conviction or simply because the action is too absurd or too dangerous. These actions are simply not an option in your mind. 

When the action is not an option for you, its effortless to resist. The more you can move binge eating into the category of behaviors you would never dream of preforming, the easier it will be to feel separate from the urge.”

I could go on and on, but it would be too much too read and I would lose you. But this awareness has been life changing to me. I highly suggest you read her book and download the ebook. it is tremendously insightful! 

I now understand that an urge is simply an urge, not a defect in my brain that takes over and controls me. I can now tell myself this is just neurological junk in my head, not my truth, or something that takes over control of my brain.

And that is what I tell myself every time the urge to binge starts. I just tell myself it is just static, empty thoughts that have no power over me.

I believe this book is a hidden treasure because of all of it’s scientific babble, and actually, it’s too simple. It’s a lot like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She had the power all along!

I am now down to 384 pounds and have a 152 pound weight loss, I feel cautiously unstuck, and working my recovery plan everyday. The support and accountability I have built around me keeps me on track. I find it almost impossible to do this alone.

I am still working on building up my coaching business. If you are interested in some help with your weight loss journey please give me a call. 712-259-1736.

 

 

 

 

Balance

11378453_1612984552304512_2076099714_nI have lost 152 pounds now, and I wanted to talk a bit about what I did to break that plateau. It’s called balance. I have always been a bulk or volume eater. It didn’t really matter what it was, healthy or not, if I was eating something I enjoyed, more was better. My meals became huge, and sometimes the meals turned into all night binges. I’m sure it was how I stuffed down the feelings of loneliness, insecurity and fear. And the result of all those years of binging left me feeling lonely, insecure and fearful. Funny how we do the very thing that adds to our suffering to deal with what we are suffering from, isn’t it?

Ever since April 1 of 2015 I have stayed faithfully under 1400 calories. But the last few months I was not losing like I should be, roughly I was losing a pound every week or two. That would not be so bad if I had under 100 pounds to lose, but a woman my size should be losing more than that each week. So I spoke to my sponsor, and I did a lot of praying with a close friend.

I started eating three 400 calorie meals and one 200 calorie snack. I was an emotional mess for a few days. I can’t describe the depression and weepiness! I thought I was losing my mind. As the days passed, it became clearer. Even though I was staying within my calorie budget, I was binging! I would basically white knuckle what I ate from the first of the morning until dinner time. I drank coffee and ate a small breakfast and bank up my calories so I could have a big Dinner meal. Sometimes I would have a 1000-1200 calorie Dinner. It flipped some kind of switch in me that left me wandering in the kitchen all night, even in the middle of the night, standing in front of the fridge eating spoonfuls of cottage cheese, slices of deli turkey, and cheese. Most normal people stop eating when they are full, but for some reason, being full keeps me wanting to feed all evening. They were  just little nibbles but I couldn’t turn it off! Then I would wake up the next morning feeling defeated and starve the day away until evening. This cycle raised havoc on my metabolsim and it was an emotional roller coaster.

Thinking back in my life, I always saw the evening meal as a reward for the day. It was re-enforced by the evening has always been the loneliness time in my day, ever since I was a kid. My Mom worked and I usually came home from school to an empty house, and spent the next few hours watching re-runs of Gilligan’s Island and eating anything I could find. When there was nothing to eat in the house, I got out my Moms Better Home and Garden cookbook and made something. I became a great cook that way. Then when I became an adult and had my own home, I binged when I came home. I would come home from the beauty shop and find my friend food, to comfort me. I remember working in the shop and thinking about what I was going to cook and eat that night. I’d sit in front of the TV and watch Beverly Hills 90201 and Melrose place all while shoving huge plates of spaghetti down my face.

So, I grieved this week, exposing my secret, and saying goodbye to my binging. Never did I think eating 1400 calories a day could possible bring on a binge. But it took a tremendous amount of white knuckling to do that, and even though I grieved the loss of my evening binge, there is this peace and contentment that has taken it’s place. The white knuckling is gone. And the constant thought about what I was going to eat at the end of the day left me. I have had to take a lot of care to weight and measure my food this week. Old habits take a long time to die. I could slip back into that habit very easily. My sponsor is watching my food journals on My Fitness Pal, so the accountability is on a high level. It is nearly impossible, at least for me, to lose over 300 pounds without an army of support around me, and the biggest part of that support requires me to be very transparent. If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. We are as sick as our secrets.

This weight loss journey of mine has had many twist and turns. I have walked down paths I never thought I would. But the growth I have experienced is truly amazing. Be well everyone!

 

Something New

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I stepped on the scale today and was pleasantly surprised! I have broke that plateau, I lost another 2 pounds for a total of 152 pounds lost! I now weight 384 pounds. I am now over the 150 pounds lost mark. Another weight loss milestone. Now 384 pounds on the scale would make most woman want to jump off their roof, but this is tremendous progress for me. I got married fall of 2001, I remember weighing 384 pounds on my wedding day, and feeling misrible. I don’t talk about my wedding day much because it was not a happy event for me. I had lost my best friend, my Mother that year, we were very close.  I had a father and aunt with Alzheimer’s to care for, and the little bit of extended family I had left had cut me out of their lives. I got married simply because I was scared, and afraid of being alone. The man I married had as many if not more issues than I did, and we both made a bad decision that day. I was trying desperately to keep my beauty shop going, but my weight gain, and crazy life distracted me from it, and my business slowly faded. My husband, the next year starting having seizures, really bad ones that landed him in the ER more times than I can count. He had developed a heart condition, so his health took a tremendous amount of care and because he couldn’t hold a job and we had no insurance, by the time he passed away January 2008, I was penniless, and weighed over 500 pounds. Everything that mattered in my life was gone and any life I had left had been sucked right out of me. I closed the shop, and my redeeming grace was the classes I took at the local community collage.  But it was tremendously hard to get around campus, well, nearly impossible. My funding for school stopped, and so did I. I spend the next 7-8 years in my bed.

It’s a surreal feeling when you check out on life for a number of years. My friends, and the world goes on without you. My friends who had school age children are now planning graduations, weddings and grandchildren. People I have not seen in several years look older. Many of my parents friends have died, my house looks worn  out, and needs repair and paint. Technology had changed everything, from how we spend money, to social norms. These were the hardest adjustments I have experienced.

But I got a 2nd chance. I have come a long way since April 1 of 2015. It’s amazing the progress we can make in such a short time. I get frustrated because I want to get back into life faster, but when I look where I came from, it takes my breath away.

The God that I serve is a God of second chances. We all have the opportunity to have a second chance. But first I had to stop being a victim, no matter how bad the cards were that life handed me. Even though I had a reason for my struggles, just laying there wallowing in it gets you nowhere. Even when the road seems long and you can’t possibly see any chance, just try. You will be surprised how things you never imagined work out better than you ever dreamed. How does a woman in her later 50s, broke, morbidly obese, and without family, turn her life around? She trust God and started to believe in herself.

So here I am, on the road, I never thought I’d ever walk again, literally. Getting stronger every day. If I stay on track I could have 200 pounds off by the first of the year. Never under estimate God’s grace and your own abilities. We are more than we think we are. I have lost a lot in this battle to good health. I lost friends, money, my business, dignity, and sometimes I thought I lost my mind. But God has a way of filling in all the losses with something new.

I feel like a Alien!

fat alienI have had a little trouble adjusting to my new life. Sometimes I feel like an alien on this planet. I started rapidly gaining back the 200 pounds I once lost between the year 2000 and 2001. My life shut down slowly, first I lost my Mother, then got married because I was terrified of being alone. I juggled my Beauty Shop, a new and very difficult marriage, all while I was caretaker for my Aunt and Father with Alzheimers until they both died, as well as my Husband. Now I do not want to sound like a victim, because I made some pretty bad choices, the little bit of family I had left, disassociated themselves from me, when I needed my family the most. If I died, there is no one to send a sympathy card to, let alone plan my funeral.

While I struggled through this, I lost a lot of friends. I was not fun to be around. When I was not crying, and depressed, I was eating. I made a train wreck out of everything and almost every relationship around me. I was desperate, then became full of self pity, a victim, and then very bitter. I would have ran away from myself too, if I was friends with me. The few friends that stuck with me, are truly angels. They saw past my pain, and loved me anyway. I will always have a special place in my heart for them.

I slowly quit participating in my own life and ended up spending my days in my bed, alone all day, weighting 537 pounds. it was like falling into a coma. I did not see a way out. But somehow, I felt a tiny seed of hope. I held on to Philippines 4:13  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. and the verse my Mother always gave me when I got discouraged, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Now I am not going to preach you a sermon, but this is an important part of my road to recovery. Sometimes is all we need is a thin string of hope, to get us through a tough time.

The last 15 years are painful and terribly lonely, a bit of blur sometimes. The thing I was not prepared for is the adjustment back into the world. Technology has changed society greatly. The biggest change I see is social. I’m not use to talking on the phone with someone who is multi-tasking. Shopping and driving while talking on the phone. In fact, it seems that driving time is the designated time to make a phone call. I often do not feel the full attention of the person I am speaking to. The calls get dropped, or if we both speak at the same time the phone mutes it. Hearing the ding ding ding while a person gets in their car. It’s taken a while for me to not see this as rude. Gone are the days when a phone call was personal, private, and a moment of real connection. Texting seems to be the preferred means of communication. It is simple and quick. Communication these days seems to be more about transferring information rather than nurturing relationships.

But the biggest adjustment for me is church. I’m not sure I will ever adjust, or ever be understood again. My church family was always a soft place I could run to. And all while I was in my “Fat Coma” I counted on returning to that place of refuge and my “tribe”. The services are a lot to adjust to. The show business-like services, seem to feed the egos of the performers. Repetitive music lyrics, work the emotions of the saints up to an emotional climax. All while in the dark, with special light show. The church announcements are on a video, on the giant theater screen up front. It feels a little like “The Hunger Games” to me. This I can get use to. I don’t love it, but I can adjust. I just might complain a little. (OK a lot)

The thing I miss the most is the sense of family. The knowing I will never have to go through something alone. Having a sense of belonging, and oneness. Feeling loved and understood, even when I struggle. Knowing I will be missed if I don’t show up. I fear I will never fit in again. There is a cog missing that I can not put into words. It’s not intentional. It just evolved. The deep caring, the kind of caring where my most valued relationships, worship under one roof corporately has morphed into superficial, programed, casual yet friendly.

As I type this, I just noticed I have been weeping, and mostly the whole time I have been writing. I am a bit taken back at how deeply sad I am about this loss.  I am coming to terms that we can never go back. Never. But I missed the transaction period, so it all hits me like a ton of bricks.  I think I can see clearly, part of the reason people who lose large amounts of weight have a 98% chance of gaining it all back within a couple of years. The expectation and disappointment of what we believed was security, has changed. For me it’s my church, for some it might be community, work, or neighborhood.

But regardless of how hard the adjustment may be, I never want to go backward. I will persevere. There are some beautiful things that are happening in the world today. Good things. Like, I can have and maintain close relationships with people that live thousands of miles from me. I am learning so much about other cultures and lifestyles. Even in physical isolation we have the ability to connect. When these things are used for good, they can be powerful tools to living! And that living, is getting better and better each day. With the technology, I seem to learn something new everyday.

I believe I am destine to experience these losses, and have this awareness so I can help others who are struggling as well. No health professional or social worker can possibly understand this adjustment for someone who is losing a large amount of weight. The physical adjustment is hard enough, but feeling insecure in a new world is a big challenge. It seems logical that the knee jerk response would be to get resentful, then run back to the comfort of food, and dissapear. No matter how hard the adjustment may be, binging and over eating is never worth the isolation and misery it brings. Be healthy and happy everyone!

 

Spinning Wheels

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Do you sometimes feel your wheels are spinning? But you hang on anyway. Wondering if you are moving at all? Then you look back, and you see progress, and it takes your breath away.

I felt my wheels spinning the last few months. Wondering if I will ever break this ‘one pound a week’ plateau. I know some of you would say on pound a week is awesome. But I am 58 years old, and still weigh 387 pounds. At one pound a week, I will be 62 before I get into “ONE-derland”, time is no longer on my side. But when I look back and realize that less than 18 months ago I weighed 537 pounds, I can hardly call myself a failure. My weight loss has not been intense, but it has been consistent. I can not remember the last binge I went on. For that alone, I am grateful.

So today, I am patting myself on the back, and being grateful for the miracle that is happening in my life. I trust the process, and keep taking one step in front of the other. If we look too far ahead, it can feel like we are spinning our wheels, so it’s important to stay in today.

I have completely enjoyed this new 8 week coaching session I am leading with Sean Anderson, and Gerri Helms. We had our first telephone meeting last Monday and Tuesday. It was sacred. The new members were so open and honest, and the members that rejoined were so generous to share their experiences. I am anticipating some really great success to be born out of the coming 8 weeks.

If there is a secret to weight loss, I think it takes first, complete honesty. Mostly with yourself, then with someone you trust. The second key is support, and third is accountability. We are so much more likely to have success when we have support that does not judge, and keep us accountable.  We are as sick as our secrets.

Shame and embarrassment keeps us from exposing our secrets. But a funny thing happens when we stir up enough courage to expose the ugly, broken pieces of our life; the shame disappears! When we lose the burden of shame, we can heal.

A good food plan is important, it is our map to good health. But there are many roads on that map to get there. Most of the struggles lie in staying on that plan. I use to think if I knew what triggered the urge to eat, deep in my past, it would then somehow disappear. But I have learned that by the time the addiction gets started, it takes life of it’s own. That information is really not necessary or very helpful.

One of the biggest components of my success comes from support and accountability. I have a friend, which in the recovery world, would be refer to as a sponsor. We share our struggles, even to the point when we call each other in the middle of the night when either of us feels a binge coming on. Sometimes the call is a quick 2 minute prayer. There is this power that comes from reaching out and hearing that voice mid-stream. The trick is to making that call. It is so hard to do, yet whenever I do, that white knuckling urge, disappears. It’s almost magic. People, need people. There is no other way to explain it.

I want to share a FREE ebook to download from Milestone recovery center. Dr Marty Lerner was a guest speaker for one of our groups a couple of weeks ago, and it seemed to take our weight loss group to a new level. He had this ebook available to whoever wants to down load it. I think it will give you incredible insight. I am so grateful for Dr Lerner’s generosity. I hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think.

Dr Marty Lerner, free Ebook    <~~~~~~click here for the free download