Fingers in the Peanut Butter Jar




I have been putting off writhing here simply because my weight loss has been on a plateau the last 3 weeks. I think, what could I possibly write worth reading when I am so frustrated right now. So, I kind of bury my head in the sand. Which is the exact opposite thing I should be doing. I just hate whining and excuse making. I hate hearing them and I feel dishonest using them.

It’s so hard to keep the saw sharpened. And I rationalize it by telling myself that I have successfully lost 155 pounds, which I have, and I no longer eat food with high amounts of sugar, fast food, or pizza. Some of my worst habits are gone forever. But, I’m still not having A+ days, if I was, I would be dropping weight much faster.

My struggles lie in portions. The amount of butter on my toast, a 10 ounce piece of chicken that I count at 6, or ever 4. That extra few ounces of pasta, when I weight it out. That finger I dip in the peanut butter jar as I spread the measured amount on my toast.

I hear all the time, regarding food and weight loss, people saying, “I don’t want to be a slave to a scale and measuring cup forever” I don’t like tracking my food or have time for it. I get all of that. I don’t either! But at 382 pounds, I need to. It’s not about the actual weight and measurement of the food, it’s about the surrender. It’s about letting go. In reality, weighing and accurately measuring my food is freedom, not slavery.

As far as time goes, if I have time to eat, I have time to accurately track what I’m eating. That is how I will become free from the cumbersome weight of my body, and ability to really live like I deserve to. I have a very long bucket list, that I need to start checking off very soon. I’m not getting any younger.

So I asked myself today, “What is the most important thing you can do today to gain freedom?” More important that anything today, it is to staying precisely on my food plan, and eating healthy, all day. I can have 23.9 hours of healthy eating in the day, and in that .1 part of the day I can mess up a whole days effort. That is how important accuracy is. no more fingers in the peanut butter!

I was hoping to hear from the Y today about a discount offered to those who qualify, and I have not heard anything, but it is Saturday, so Monday I will call them. I have to get a daily routine that gets me out of the house and moving everyday. I believe going to the Y that is only a few blocks from my house is the ticket. It’s time to start moving. I will keep you posted. Have a good weekend everyone!


Since I have been working with Sean and Gerri on our weight loss group I have noticed a pattern. It’s really interesting how alike we all are. The biggest struggles people seem to have is tracking what they are eating, and reaching out to each other, for support. I have to admit, it is two of my biggest challenges too.

I am pretty use to tracking my food I have some 600 days consecutive post in My Fitness Pal. But it took a while to get use to it. I wonder why we hate it so badly? Is it the time it takes? Too fussy? Or maybe we are afraid to really see what we are eating because we don’t want to see an area we are over eating in, and have to give it up. Why this is true we may never know.

My friend Gerri says, “I do not get thrilled about brushing my teeth or showering either, but doing it makes my life a whole lot better.” That’s a great analogy, There are simply some things we do where the trade off is worth it. If we do not in some way realize what and how much we are eating everyday, how will we ever stay on track enough to lose weight? There are many way’s to do this, but in reality, they all serve the same purpose. Counting calories, counting carbs, counting food exchanges, or even “Deal-A-Meal, or Food Mover (both Richard Simmons tools to track what you eat) are all about the same. Without doing this, it’s like driving across the country using only road signs and no map or GPS. You might get there, but it may take a long time, cost more, and you could miss something wonderful.

Reaching out is another one I hear a lot. And like tracking my food, it’s something I struggle with. I am convinced it is nearly impossible for me to lose weight alone. I need support and the accountability it brings. Privacy is one thing, but when we are being secretive in the name of privacy, we are going down a dangerous road. As my friend Liz says, “We are as sick as our secrets.” ( I have such wise friends) I have also noticed, the people I know who live a life full of mystery and secrets are often going down a crooked road, ending up in a bad place. That is where all my secret eating got me. Why? Because when there are secrets, often shame is involved, and shame is one of the biggest road blocks we can have preventing us from achieving our goal to a happier and healthier life.

The thing is, we need to develop those relationships before we need them. Building relationships, and opening up our flaws to a trusted friend, KEEPS us accountable, and we are less likely to stumble. And, when we do get tempted or stumble, (and we all do) we have already created a soft place to run to.

This world is so isolating these days. I watched a video of a comedian doing jokes abut how different we react these days when our doorbell rings. We use to get all excited when the doorbell rang, and my Mom use to keep a Pepperidge Coconut layer cake in the freezer for such an occasion. I remember being sneaky when I came home after school and was alone (I was a latch key kid, my parents both worked full time) I’d get in the freezer,  I would open the box, carve thin slices off one end, slide the cut end back into the box, and slip the open end of the box in the back and put it back into the freezer. When company would come I would get in so much trouble because half of the ‘Company” cake was missing. unknownThese days we live so isolated, depended on our Phones and Devices for Social interaction. If the doorbell rings without knowing someone is coming, we often hide back in the house, and don’t even answer the door. It’s considered impolite these days to not notify someone that we are coming over. How did we start living in such an isolated world?

I know it’s something I struggle with. If I isolate too much, I’m in trouble. I am constantly fighting this urge to stay comfortable in my home binging on Netflix and who knows what else. I have noticed those who live lives outside their homes and get out and about seem to have better weight loss success. It is tough for me to go out, I just slipped into the 300s,but before then the world had  no place for me .It’s taken me a little to get use to starting to fit in.  I literally didn’t fit in this world. There are things you probably don’t even think about if you were never morbidly obese. even parking spaces are so close together a fat person can’t open their door wide enough to get out of their car. I have actually had to wait, sitting on the tailgate of my Tahoe while someone came back out to their car to leave a parking lot. It’s embarrassing! And don’t even start about restaurant booths. Most fat folks check that out before they go, and often go to a restaurant when they are less busy for that purpose. These are the things that roll around in our heads when we consider going out, and it takes bravery to take a chance. We have all been humiliated by our size.  This is only one tiny thing a fat person getting back into society had to deal with. But I am determined, I refuse to let my body keep me prisoner.

So today, let’s get out and be with people, call someone, reach out and build relationships, (after you track your food, first.) People need people, and I need you!

New Group Starts October 3rd!

o-sad-christmas-dog-facebookATTENTION…..🎄We are only 12 weeks away from Christmas!🎄………….. Can you believe it? Are you going to go into the Holidays feeling healthy or dreading the shape you are in? I have a solution! A NEW WEIGH, the weight loss group I co-facilate with Sean Anderson and Gerri Helms, has openings for you! We have weekly phone meetings, and a secret Facebook page. We also offer personal support and are always first hand available to you. Won’t you join us? The cost is about half of what most Weight Loss groups charge, and you get added support and accountability! Here is the Info so you can join us. If you have questions please feel free to contact me. 712-259-1736 “A New Weigh” groups start October 3rd and 4th. There are 3 groups to choose from;
Monday Night Primary Group 7:00 PM Eastern Time,…………..…
Tuesday Night Primary Group 8 PM Eastern………..…
Monday Night Premium Group 8:00 PM Eastern….Only 4 spots available on the Monday Night Premium Group, (it fills up fast)………


A Bird in an Open Cage

Sometimes I feel like a bird in an open cage. I have been a prisoner in my body so long that I do not recognize the freedom I already have. I dream of days when I am not limited by my body, yet when the opportunity arises, I seem to find an excuse why I can’t do what I dream of. Some of it is because of the remnants of depression that seems to linger, and some is fear.

I remember going to NYC for the first time. I was doing an informational shoot for Richard Simmons weight loss fitness tape “Dance Your Pants Off”. I was there with friends I had met on a weight loss cruise with Richard, and I got up early to explore my new surroundings. We arrived at our hotel late in the evening, so when morning came I showered, got dressed, and enthuastically went down to the lobby of the hotel. I was going to get coffee, and The New York Times,sit in a coffee shop and really feel the vibe of this great city. I stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the hotel, the noise, the plethora of people, and commotion was overwhelming! I was scared, and lost my courage to go out exploring on my own. I went back up to my room and waited for my roommate to wake up. I was not prepared at all for the great rush and crowded streets. Later that day we all went together exploring the city and everything was fine. Sometimes we just need someone else with us to be brave. I was use to living in a sleepy little Nebraska town, where early mornings were quite, and not very many people around. The phrase “A Town that Never Sleeps” is so true.

Sometimes I feel like that today, about life. I just spent the last decade in bed, Hiding under the covers. I woke up from that fat coma 10 years older, I have no idea what my capabilities or disabilities truly are, because they change daity. I am alone because all my friends have moved on with their lives. A lot can happen in 10 years, my friends who had school age children now have married children and grandchildren. Some have Great Grandchildren. I feel like a baby having to learn to walk all over again. But the difference is, I am alone. I don’t know many who have survived what I have survived. Honestly, most people in my situation are dead. Very few people as fat as I was live past middle age.  I believe the reason so many morbidly obese people who lose great amounts of weight gain it back because it can be terrifying.

Then I find myself crying out to God, asking him if he saved me from dying of obesity, why is it still so hard, and why am I so alone? Is this just a big joke? Does He really care, and is there a plan for my life? It seems cruel to bring someone halfway back from death, and just walk away from them to figure it out alone.

But I do believe God has a plan. I believe I am experiencing these things so someday I can hold the hand of another person who chooses to walk this path. I do not believe God makes bad things happen to people, but I believe He turns the rubble of our lives into something of value.

The door to my cage is half open. Today I choose to walk towards that open door, Some days I bust through it, and some days, the best I can do is stand in the doorway. And there are those days I just sit on top of the cage, trying to muster courage. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will fly. And when I do, all of this will makes sense. My flight will erase all the regret, and I will feel the joy and freedom I long for. This little bird, will fly like the Eagles! Will you join me?




Happy Birthday to Me!




Monday is my 59th Birthday. I use to love having a birthday. I loved seeing all my friends and it made me feel loved. My Mom made big deal out of the birthday of the people she loved. My beauty shop was a day long party on September 12th.  When she died, my birthdays were never the same. I have never been loved like that since she died. There is nothing that can replace the love of a Mother.

I have been a little sad all week, and questioning myself a little. I don’t have the luxury of time to get this right. My goals is to be under 237 by next year this time. That is not my ultimate goal, but it will mean I have lost the majority of it. That would give me a 300 pound loss by my 60th birthday. It will take a lot of tenacity. But I believe I can do this. Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up 140 pounds thinner. But like my friend Gerri says, if we don’t invest in it, we don’t value it near as much. I am investing!

All of this isolation is really getting to me. I am trying to apply for a discount membership to the Y up the street from my house, but they want all but my first born child. I have got to get out every day and a daily walk on that treadmill and being out with people, is just what I need. I can not afford the full price, even with the senior discount. Now they want a document from the IRS! They don’t make it easy, but, again, like my friend Gerri says, if we don’t have an investment in it, we don’t value something as much. If it’s handed over to us, there is not the same gratitude. So today I am going to poke around the IRS website and see if I can get this document. I need to quit whining.

My friend Diana is going to take me out to lunch on my Birthday. I am really looking forward to it. She said it’s my choice where we go, but honestly, I’d be thrilled with a 300 calorie Subway Sandwich. For the first time in my life the food makes no difference to me. I am just looking forward to getting out with my dear friend. I love her so much, never once has she ever judged me. It’s the friendship I embrace way more than the food.

this blog will be a year old on September 18th. That was the day I quit trying to do this alone, and made the choice to quit being a victim. I started being accountable on this blog, to all of you. Listen, if you want to lose weight, or change anything significant in your life, you do not need to do it alone. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to do it alone. Being overweight is an isolating disease. And the bigger we get, the more isolated we become, first by choice.  But as it progresses, we no longer have a choice, we simply lose our dignity then mobility. I existed day by day, looking forward to my next meal and living on the internet all day. I wasted almost a decade of my life in isolation. Never planning to watch the days turn into years. If you are telling yourself your life will never get as bad as mine was, you are only fooling yourself. I use to say that about some of the sad stories I would hear about others who never left their homes and then never left their beds. Then it happened.

So maybe today is your day. Maybe you will start today, right now, making changes in your life. So get rid of all those excuses, even the ones that have validation, reach out for help from someone who has what you want. Start living instead of just existing. Then, please write me and tell me about your dreams and progress. I believe in you! It’s never too late.

Be blessed everyone!





We had an interesting topic last night in the weight loss group, “A Better Weigh” that I co-facilitate with Sean Anderson and Coach Gerri Helms. Several members spoke of how they use food as a reward, and as in my last blog post referred to banking calories for that evening reward meal. So we went around the room, and asked each person to come up with a non-food reward for themselves. It was a great topic, and I got a lot out of it.

I have been thinking about this a lot. My relationship with food has more impact on my weight than the kind of food or amount I eat. I find if my relationship with food is in a good place, the rest all falls in place. Isn’t that the same, in some ways as a good marriage?

I love this Arctic Zero ice cream. It’s very low calories, and even if you eat the whole pint it is still under 150 calories. I got a nice stash of it in my freezer. I was noticing that when I plan to eat it at night after Dinner, it becomes this big reward. The big event of my evening. Then when I eat it, although I stay under my allotted amount of calories, sometimes I struggle with wanting more to eat the rest of the evening even though I am physically full. .

could this possibly be true simply because of my relationship with that ice cream? Am I making it a bigger reward and event in my day, then it disappoints when I eat it?  It does not deliver the satisfaction I expect. I wanting more? Or is it like binge watching something on Netflix? When I have spent nights watching something until 3 AM, and when it is suddenly over I feel a loss, and crave something just as good to watch? Someone once asked Rockefeller how much money was enough, he replied “one more dollar”.

Putting something so high on a pedestal that it makes you believe it will bring happiness and satisfaction is a pipe dream. Joy, contentment and happiness comes from within. When my relationship with food is alined correctly, I actually enjoy what I am eating much more. My expiations are not so high that I am setting myself up for disappointment. I end up taking time to really enjoy what I am eating. I read someplace that we only really taste the first couple of bites of anything we eat.

This works the same for me with portions. When I bake fries in my oven, sometimes I would get way overboard and end up with them piled high on my plate. I just gobble them down quickly and do not stop to really taste them. But a couple of nights ago I carefully weighed out the appropriate amount and they were the best baked fries I have had in ages. More is not always better. More does not satisfy me in a greater way. Simple, but true.

Afterwards, I am so much more satisfied. My mind is not obsessive anymore. It’s almost magical. contentment is a powerful thing. Happiness and Joy are wonderful, but contentment is everlasting. I strive to be content with what I eat today and not expect it to be the biggest event of my day. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not based on what I am planning to eat.


Brain over Binge


Scanning of a human brain by X-rays

About a year and a half ago I read a book called, Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hanson. It was a scientific approach to how our brains create urges that lead to a binge. This book totally changed my approach to fighting off an urge to overeat. Kathryn has recently offered a free ebook workbook on how to deal with fighting off an urge. Here is the link to the  Brain over Binge FREE ebook  .

I downloaded this little ebook and found it to be plethora of information.

“If you didn’t have binge urges, you would not binge, no matter what else is going on in your life, no matter what emotions you are feeling, no matter what problems you are facing.

There is nothing inherent about strong emotions or life’s problems that make you binge. It is the urge that drives your behavior, regardless of when, where, how, or why they surface, You’re urges encompass all of the thoughts, feelings, physical sensation, and cravings that make you feel compelled to binge.”

I spent years digging deep with therapist and reading books thinking if only I could find out WHY I have the urge to eat, then I could find the answer to stop it. But the bottom line is, its not the “why” it’s the urge, that makes me over eat!

The urge sensation comes from our lower or primal brain. The is the part of our brain that kicks in the survival mode, and can convince you of believing you can not stop eating.

“You have control over your voluntary muscles. The lower brain can not make you walk to the refrigerator or pick up the food.

The higher brain gives you identity, reason, and most importantly for binge eating, recovery-your self control functions. All the lower bran can do is encourage you to binge, and send the signals of craving, but you can always decide what to do when you experience the urge. 

If you think about your life now, there are times when you use self-control ver effectively. There are also certain things you would never consider doing, because of a strong moral conviction or simply because the action is too absurd or too dangerous. These actions are simply not an option in your mind. 

When the action is not an option for you, its effortless to resist. The more you can move binge eating into the category of behaviors you would never dream of preforming, the easier it will be to feel separate from the urge.”

I could go on and on, but it would be too much too read and I would lose you. But this awareness has been life changing to me. I highly suggest you read her book and download the ebook. it is tremendously insightful! 

I now understand that an urge is simply an urge, not a defect in my brain that takes over and controls me. I can now tell myself this is just neurological junk in my head, not my truth, or something that takes over control of my brain.

And that is what I tell myself every time the urge to binge starts. I just tell myself it is just static, empty thoughts that have no power over me.

I believe this book is a hidden treasure because of all of it’s scientific babble, and actually, it’s too simple. It’s a lot like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She had the power all along!

I am now down to 384 pounds and have a 152 pound weight loss, I feel cautiously unstuck, and working my recovery plan everyday. The support and accountability I have built around me keeps me on track. I find it almost impossible to do this alone.

I am still working on building up my coaching business. If you are interested in some help with your weight loss journey please give me a call. 712-259-1736.






11378453_1612984552304512_2076099714_nI have lost 152 pounds now, and I wanted to talk a bit about what I did to break that plateau. It’s called balance. I have always been a bulk or volume eater. It didn’t really matter what it was, healthy or not, if I was eating something I enjoyed, more was better. My meals became huge, and sometimes the meals turned into all night binges. I’m sure it was how I stuffed down the feelings of loneliness, insecurity and fear. And the result of all those years of binging left me feeling lonely, insecure and fearful. Funny how we do the very thing that adds to our suffering to deal with what we are suffering from, isn’t it?

Ever since April 1 of 2015 I have stayed faithfully under 1400 calories. But the last few months I was not losing like I should be, roughly I was losing a pound every week or two. That would not be so bad if I had under 100 pounds to lose, but a woman my size should be losing more than that each week. So I spoke to my sponsor, and I did a lot of praying with a close friend.

I started eating three 400 calorie meals and one 200 calorie snack. I was an emotional mess for a few days. I can’t describe the depression and weepiness! I thought I was losing my mind. As the days passed, it became clearer. Even though I was staying within my calorie budget, I was binging! I would basically white knuckle what I ate from the first of the morning until dinner time. I drank coffee and ate a small breakfast and bank up my calories so I could have a big Dinner meal. Sometimes I would have a 1000-1200 calorie Dinner. It flipped some kind of switch in me that left me wandering in the kitchen all night, even in the middle of the night, standing in front of the fridge eating spoonfuls of cottage cheese, slices of deli turkey, and cheese. Most normal people stop eating when they are full, but for some reason, being full keeps me wanting to feed all evening. They were  just little nibbles but I couldn’t turn it off! Then I would wake up the next morning feeling defeated and starve the day away until evening. This cycle raised havoc on my metabolsim and it was an emotional roller coaster.

Thinking back in my life, I always saw the evening meal as a reward for the day. It was re-enforced by the evening has always been the loneliness time in my day, ever since I was a kid. My Mom worked and I usually came home from school to an empty house, and spent the next few hours watching re-runs of Gilligan’s Island and eating anything I could find. When there was nothing to eat in the house, I got out my Moms Better Home and Garden cookbook and made something. I became a great cook that way. Then when I became an adult and had my own home, I binged when I came home. I would come home from the beauty shop and find my friend food, to comfort me. I remember working in the shop and thinking about what I was going to cook and eat that night. I’d sit in front of the TV and watch Beverly Hills 90201 and Melrose place all while shoving huge plates of spaghetti down my face.

So, I grieved this week, exposing my secret, and saying goodbye to my binging. Never did I think eating 1400 calories a day could possible bring on a binge. But it took a tremendous amount of white knuckling to do that, and even though I grieved the loss of my evening binge, there is this peace and contentment that has taken it’s place. The white knuckling is gone. And the constant thought about what I was going to eat at the end of the day left me. I have had to take a lot of care to weight and measure my food this week. Old habits take a long time to die. I could slip back into that habit very easily. My sponsor is watching my food journals on My Fitness Pal, so the accountability is on a high level. It is nearly impossible, at least for me, to lose over 300 pounds without an army of support around me, and the biggest part of that support requires me to be very transparent. If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. We are as sick as our secrets.

This weight loss journey of mine has had many twist and turns. I have walked down paths I never thought I would. But the growth I have experienced is truly amazing. Be well everyone!


Something New


I stepped on the scale today and was pleasantly surprised! I have broke that plateau, I lost another 2 pounds for a total of 152 pounds lost! I now weight 384 pounds. I am now over the 150 pounds lost mark. Another weight loss milestone. Now 384 pounds on the scale would make most woman want to jump off their roof, but this is tremendous progress for me. I got married fall of 2001, I remember weighing 384 pounds on my wedding day, and feeling misrible. I don’t talk about my wedding day much because it was not a happy event for me. I had lost my best friend, my Mother that year, we were very close.  I had a father and aunt with Alzheimer’s to care for, and the little bit of extended family I had left had cut me out of their lives. I got married simply because I was scared, and afraid of being alone. The man I married had as many if not more issues than I did, and we both made a bad decision that day. I was trying desperately to keep my beauty shop going, but my weight gain, and crazy life distracted me from it, and my business slowly faded. My husband, the next year starting having seizures, really bad ones that landed him in the ER more times than I can count. He had developed a heart condition, so his health took a tremendous amount of care and because he couldn’t hold a job and we had no insurance, by the time he passed away January 2008, I was penniless, and weighed over 500 pounds. Everything that mattered in my life was gone and any life I had left had been sucked right out of me. I closed the shop, and my redeeming grace was the classes I took at the local community collage.  But it was tremendously hard to get around campus, well, nearly impossible. My funding for school stopped, and so did I. I spend the next 7-8 years in my bed.

It’s a surreal feeling when you check out on life for a number of years. My friends, and the world goes on without you. My friends who had school age children are now planning graduations, weddings and grandchildren. People I have not seen in several years look older. Many of my parents friends have died, my house looks worn  out, and needs repair and paint. Technology had changed everything, from how we spend money, to social norms. These were the hardest adjustments I have experienced.

But I got a 2nd chance. I have come a long way since April 1 of 2015. It’s amazing the progress we can make in such a short time. I get frustrated because I want to get back into life faster, but when I look where I came from, it takes my breath away.

The God that I serve is a God of second chances. We all have the opportunity to have a second chance. But first I had to stop being a victim, no matter how bad the cards were that life handed me. Even though I had a reason for my struggles, just laying there wallowing in it gets you nowhere. Even when the road seems long and you can’t possibly see any chance, just try. You will be surprised how things you never imagined work out better than you ever dreamed. How does a woman in her later 50s, broke, morbidly obese, and without family, turn her life around? She trust God and started to believe in herself.

So here I am, on the road, I never thought I’d ever walk again, literally. Getting stronger every day. If I stay on track I could have 200 pounds off by the first of the year. Never under estimate God’s grace and your own abilities. We are more than we think we are. I have lost a lot in this battle to good health. I lost friends, money, my business, dignity, and sometimes I thought I lost my mind. But God has a way of filling in all the losses with something new.