New YouTube Channel

I started a new YouTube channel. I plan on posting vlogs about my life and weight loss journey. Check it out!

I am just learning the ropes around youTube as a creator, but just as I figured out along the way to create a blog, I will get better in time. But first I have to stop saying “um”

Here is the link to get you there…..

Totally Kathy’s Vlog

Let me know what you think!

Fasting the 12 steps, and growing

Happy New Year everyone! I thought I’d post about how my wellness plan is going. I’m doing good. I have 174 pounds down. I have been doing intermittently fasting. Over Christmas I fell off the wagon, then I got sick, and it took me a while to get my groove back, but I’m feeling very cautiously confident.

So, you may ask, how exactly am I fasting. The good thing about fasting is how flexible it is. You kind of adapt it to your lifestyle. I highly recommend the book “Delay Don’t Deny” but Gin Stephens. I was having a little trouble getting back on the wagon a few weeks ago, and gave this a lot of thought. What am I good at, regarding my food plan, and where do my biggest struggles lie?

I’m good at fasting, I can fast pretty easily 40 hours without much trouble. The only problem is, I have a terrible time sleeping when I am fasting. I was thinking of breaking my fast later in the day so I can go to bed with some food in my belly, but fasting 2-3 over nights a week really works for me. I may just have to struggle through it and hope I adjust in time.

I am rarely hungry in the mornings, so that is the perfect time to start a fast. I actually start my fast when I go to bed at night, fast the whole next day until the next morning. So roughly 36-40 hours, eat in an 8 hour window, then start the cycle over again. I am working towards shortening that window and when exactly is best to open it.

So what I struggle with…. (probably as some of you can guess), is when I open my window, and break my fast, it’s like a switch that gets flipped, and if I cave, I can keep caving and gain momentum with the eating, and eat 2-3 days worth of calories in a short amount of time. So I have upped my accountability level, I have connected with a fabulous support group of others who are fasting on line, and track my food on the eating days. I’m still working on getting in the groove with this, but I feel I am almost in a solid rhythm.

It’s really humbling to be leading and coaching a weight loss group while I am working through my own struggles. I have had several folks criticize me for this. (of course not to my face, but it always gets back to me) And as much as I’d like to say it does not effect me, it still does. But I can’t make everyone like me, so I will use this hurt as an example of what to never do to someone else, because I know how painful it is. I would rather be honest and transparent, then keep my secrets to myself, or find excuses for my struggles.

I’ve been reading a book called The Science of Self-discipline by Peter Hollins. I found it on Amazon. The Science of Self-Discipline

It was recommended by a member of my fasting group, it brings a more scientific and behavioral approach to willpower. Now, before you recovery people start hating, I have not thrown out my recovery tools. I just want to take a wholistic approach to weight loss. I have noticed for me, I need more than the 12 steps. For some, it is their “ah-ha” moment and they get on that band wagon, the weight falls off, and they move forward with their lives. I wish I was one of those folks, if you are one of those folks, I am jealous of you. But I have noticed, for some, like me, the weight comes off at first, then, we hit a wall. I know everyone quotes this, but “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results” I do not want to be that way. If my efforts are not getting results, it’s time to try something new.

All my life I would refer to past weight loss seasons in my life, and tell myself, “if I can only do that again, I will have success” Then fail, once again. It’s comfortable to stay with what is familiar even when it worked in the past. But for me, maybe it has run it’s course, and it’s time to stretch and grow.

Hope you all had a Happy New Year, and are well. I’m looking forward to my best year ever. Which will require some deep stretching, transparency, and accountability. But it will be worth it! Blessings!

 

Update on my Intermittent Fasting

I’m losing again on a regular bases. I’m down a few more pounds for a total loss of 171 pounds. I weigh 366, which means I will be under 350 soon. Hopefully before Christmas. I remember when I was 537 pounds even the thought of being under 350 seemed impossible. My advise to you is, NEVER EVER GIVE UP! Find like minded people who share your hope and will walk you through this. Find people who are achieving what you dream achieving. There is so much power in support and accountability. So many of us hide in so much shame and bullying all our lives we try to lose weight in isolation. I find losing large amounts of weight requires deep honestly with yourself, and an army to support you through it.

Here is an opportunity for you to have that.
The next 8-week session of the weight loss accountability & support group I cofacilitate with Sean Anderson  and Jordan Burgess starts December 4th. The three of us collectively have lost over 700 pounds! We know your struggles first hand. If you’re ready to discover something different and fresh, joining our small and exclusive group might be the best gift from you to YOU!

The team awaits your arrival! You’ll find team members at various stages along the way, from just getting started to maintenance mode and everywhere in between. Don’t go it alone! Join us today for a better weigh! If you have any questions, email betterweigh@outlook.com or email me directly: transformation.road@gmail.com

The fee for membership in the 8-week session with a weekly support group conference call, secret Facebook group support page, and text/call spot support as needed is $120. That averages out to $15 a week, or $2.14 a day. The fee for membership in the 8-week session with a weekly one on one private session, secret Facebook group support page, and text/call support as needed is $200.

We would love to have you with us as we head straight into December!

Below is a link for more info.

click here to go to info page!

 

 

 

Delay don’t Deny

 

 

Hello friends! When I started this blog I was never going to be one of those people who disappeared for a long time, then came back with a long excuse and apology. So I will make it short and sweet. I’m sorry I have been gone so long.

It’s no surprise that I have been struggling for almost a year now. I have not gained my weight back, but it took all I had to maintain. I I have dabbled in everything this year to start losing again, all while I am coaching others to lose weight in the group I co-facilitate. It’s down right humiliating. But many of the members have been so kind and supportive. Some have judged me, but that is no big surprise. It comes with the territory.

So I looked up the plethora of weight loss plans I tried this year, some lasted a few weeks, some a few hours. My Kindle app is full of diet books. Here is most of it;

  • Counting calories
  • Counting carbs
  • Deal-a-meal cards (yes, I bought an old deal-a-meal on eBay)
  • Weight Watchers
  • The Harcomb Diet
  • The Daniel Diet
  • Bright Line Eating
  • Diet Fix
  • Brain over Binge
  • Shred
  • Dr Phil 20/20
  • OA (I even started a group in my town, after several months, I gave up, no one ever attended)

I read every former fat person’s book, and scoured the internet for some hope. I had friends in place for accountability and nightly prayer. And let me tell you, all of them worked. All of them! I learned bits and pieces from each and every effort I made to seek an answer for my compulsive eating. None was a waste of time. All had to happen for me to get where I am today.

I had gained a little, I was up 4-6 pounds depending on the day. Then I had a friend who was fasting. I was worried for her. FASTING? That was crazy! I was conditioned to believe since I was young to eat 3 small meals a day and maybe even a couple of snacks. And, wasn’t fasting treading on dangerous grounds. What if I become bulimic? I would surly die if I went without food for a day let alone two!

But I listened with an open mind. I dug into research. Googled everything I could find on Intermittent Fasting or IF. I listened to countless hours of You Tube videos and Podcasts. It started making sense. There are many ways to fast, and that was the beauty of it all. You modify it to your lifestyle. A common way is to go 16 hours fasting and 8 hours eating. What’s so hard about that? You sleep through a good chunk of the time. Some do one meal a day (OMAD) And there are those who fast 2,3 or even a week or more! And lived to talk about it!

So I tried it OMAD, for 1 week. Stepped on the scale and I was up 5 pounds!!! What? I was terribly discouraged. But I knew, to be honest, those one meals were huge. I was binging. So I tried again. One meal a day, and the one meal was moderate, but large compared to the calorie count on a normal eating day. About 1000 to 1300 calories. I was down 2 pounds. Then another week went by, I lost 11 pounds!!! So total weight loss now from April 2015 is 168 pounds. I am loving the fasting!

I tend to go extreme with everything I do so I have been doing some 2-3 days fasts. It was hard at first. but so much easier than I expected. The book Delay Don’t Deny by Gin Stephens was my main source of information. Also Dr Fongs book The Obesity Code  was helpful as well.

Now here is the funny thing I am finding out, When I break my fast, you would think I’d be ravished, and at first I was. But now, I have less food thoughts, and the thought of shopping, preparing, weighing my food, tracking it, cooking and cleaning up 3-6 times a day seems to be so much busy work to me. The freedom is amazing! And when I eat, I eat really good food, things I love. My kitchen now stays clean for days. And, the eating in the middle of the night has completely stopped! I get to eat satisfying meals, I don’t have to, with in reason, stress over portions. At first I was eating high calorie food for my OMAD, I was like a kid in a candy shop. But in time, I started craving healthier and healthier foods. I had pizza last night from the most favorite pizza place in my community, I ate a salad before the pizza so I would make sure I had some vegetables, and honestly, the salad tasted better than the pizza. Don’t get me wrong, Rosie’s Pizza is delicious, but that obsessive need to eat compulsively was not as strong. I ate part of it and put the rest in the freezer for another day. Something I would never have done before. I would have eaten till stuffed, then binged on the rest later, or in the middle of the night.

Now I am only going into my 3rd week of this, but I seem to be finding a rhythm, And the IF community on Facebook is super friendly and supportive. I guess the proof will tell in time. But for now, all my prior thoughts on fasting have changed. Thanks to those of you who have hung in there and kept believing in me. It means a lot. Blessing to all of you!

 

 

Diet Hopping

My Mom use to call them “church hoppers”, people who went from church to church, finding fault in every church they left. I sometimes feel like a “diet Hopper”. Like almost all my friends, I do not like the word diet. Every fitness guru, famous or infamous says that, believing they are saying something new. Richard Simmons wrote a book years ago called “Never say Diet”. I’m not afraid of the word, and decided to start using it again. The definition of the word DIET is….the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats. I don’t know when it became the definition of deprivation. But it does not have to be.

So, here I am trying something new. I have stepped into the world of Intermittent Fasting. There is so much info out there about this on the internet, YouTube, and of course Podcasts. It’s very trendy right now. Like the low fat of the 80’s and 90’s, high fat in the 2000’s, this may be a fad as well. But I am willing to try anything, that is safe, to get out of “Weight Loss Purgatory”.

It’s going really well, I am only 2 days in, but It’s not too hard. I mean, you sleep half of the fast away, and I’m not much breakfast eater, so the worst part is the time before I break the fast, and the evening after my meal. I will get use to drinking black coffee in the morning. I have several folks who are supporting me through this. And I promise you I am eating a specific amount of calories each day and still posting on My Fitness Pal each day.

I am a bulk eater, so one substantial meal really appeals to me. And in the past when I have lost weight, I did a little fasting, and it was successful. But the “experts” say you need to eat breakfast, and tiny meals several times a day. I believed that and really tried. I even had a food sponsor advising me to balance all my meals through the day evenly. I hated it, and it really messed me up. I never felt satisfied, and I felt like I was playing with food all day and making too many food choices. Like going into a candy store with a penny in my pocket.

I feel pretty good, except I really struggled getting to sleep last night. I was awake the whole night. But I’m thinking this may be my body waking up, and my metabolism coming back to life. Or, just wishful thinking. we will see. I will be back next Monday to report how my week went and if the scale moved.

I really didn’t want to post this, because I wanted to show up here with a nice loss, be the hero, and have everyone look up to me for my stellar weight loss success. But honestly, this blog is about honesty! It’s about being transparent, not smug. My purpose of this blog is not to give you cute little stories and expert advice on my great successful journey, and spew all this wisdom upon you all.  I fail, and I do not say that to show I relate to all the people who read this blog. I mess up, and I’m 60 years old. Time is not my friend any longer. I only know this, even if it’s embarrassing, I will never give up. I will keep trying something different if what I am doing is not working. That’s all I got.

I have had to let go of some relationships in the last year. It has been tough. But I came to realize I did not have good boundaries. I expected too much out of some people, and some relationships, were simply maintained out of obligation.

I have had some friends I love deeply choose to walk out of a relationship with me, and it tore me apart. It left me feeling inadequate, and questioned my worth. But then I thought of several friends I have choose to say good-bye to in the last couple of years, and I saw this from another point of view. Sometimes it’s ok, to just give space to yourself and those around you. It is such a big relief to let go of resentments.

Part of the problem is that I am alone far too much, and I think too much. I am slowly changing that. I have been attending church, and getting out more. its hard to admit I struggle with agoraphobia. I was in denial a very long time about this, and hid it. I have a friend who has it, and I just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t go out and live his life, but my thoughts on this are much more compassionate now. The world became too hard for me to live in, physically and socially. I created this comfortable cocoon in my home, safe from any challenges, but it’s very lonely. So, I choose to push myself every day.

I never liked it when people excused their behavior with comparing themselves to a past time of success. We all do it, I have a bad food week, after confessing it, I will always say, “but I don’t eat like I use to, and I have not gained back the weight I lost”. It’s important to see progress, look back and see how far you have come, but don’t get too comfortable there, purgatory stinks!!!! Compared to hell, it’s not so bad of a place, but Heaven is worth the extra effort!

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Loss, No Gain

 

I never wanted to be one of those bloggers who vanished, and then apologized for not blogging, listing all the excused why they have been to busy to post. When in reality they stopped losing and started gained weight. But here I am, it’s been almost a month since I have blogged.

First of all, let me assure you, I have not gained an ounce. Not so sure how I’ve managed that, but my weight has basically been the same for a good 6 months. It is very rare for me to have a stall in weight loss, I am either gaining or losing. I have really beat myself up about this. The inner struggle has been torture.

I am completely put off by excuse making. When I see others making excuses I can instantly lose respect for them. Nothing is worse than hiding your shame from failure with excuses and rationalizing. I can deal with screwing up, but please own up to it. I am very hard on others who refuse to be honest with themselves and me. I believe I am that way because I spend a lot of years lying to myself, becoming a victim, and inventing any excuse I could come up with to rationalize my behavior. I loath that side of myself. I have had a lot of tragedy in my life. But, so have you! And if not, you probably will. When becoming a victim has not worked for me I would get bitter and resentful about almost everyone around me. The happier you were, the more resentful I became. Those blissful always happy folks irritated the poop out of me! I saw it as phony and superficial.

But God in his mercy always gives us what we need in that moment. He is rarely early, never late, but right on time. He knew what I needed was some extra love. One of my very best friends Danette, came to visit from Souther California. She stayed a few days with me and helped me with so much stuff around my house. I am starting to love my home once again, thanks to several people who have been generous with time and money, helping me sort through all the chaos. But most of all, she spent a lot of time loving and nurturing me. It was God sent.

Some things in life that seem ordinary are not appreciated until it’s taken from us. The simple act of waking in the middle of the night, knowing my best friend was sleeping in the living room brought me great comfort. Just waking up, and having someone in the house to drink a cup of coffee with was golden. The ordinary words good night, hold a special meaning. I had not eaten a meal, with a human, in many months. Food taste better with a friend, and the urge to binge and over eat falls aside. I am so grateful for you Danette. I will never be able to be the friend to you that you have been to me over the years. You are the definition of unconditional love. I love you deeply.

The other neat thing (I think only baby boomers use the word “neat” anymore) that happened to me this month was getting to talk with a nutritionalist. Jordan, my friend, who works with Sean and I on the weight loss group “A Better Weigh” referred him to me.

This guy looked at my age, weight, and health, plus all the meds I have been on and has formulated the balance of food I need to consume to get my metabolism going again. I trusted him, not only because he was educated, he also lived what he preached. He saved his own life through eating healthy and balanced. He was not surprised at my weight loss stalling when he looked at all the factors. I thought I was eating so healthy, and I wasn’t. I now plan my food according to the micronutrients required to wake up my body that think’s it’s starving. It takes me a while to figure all this stuff out, but I was assured it will get easier. It feels like a lot of math, kind of like those story problems we got in math class in grade school. But I am willing to give it my all.

There is a behaviors factor to consider as well, and I need to own that. I was not always weighing and measuring my food. Inaccuracy and denial can kill any weight loss efforts very quickly. I have purged my home of anything that is not on my plan, and put my accountability or high.

To all of you who are faithful readers, I really appreciate you. the support I receive is more than I deserve. I am roughly half way through my journey, I have lost 165 pounds. I wanted to be under 300 by my 60th birthday which is September 12 but things don’t always go as planned. Am I a failure? Not by any means. We only fail when we stop, and refuse to go on. Blessing to all of you!

Friends, in times like these…

I was down two pounds last week. This has given me some hope. It’s the 2 pounds I gained a few weeks ago, but, I am once again at my lowest weight since 2001, so I’ll give myself that, and be grateful.

I went to that anniversary event for my friend’s 40th last week. I had a wonderful time, in spite of my anxiety worrying about people seeing me as a loser and pathetic. That just wasn’t the case, I let my head get too carried away on that one. I saw folks I have not seen in over 30 years. It was nice, and comforting to see old friends. It seemed to help me get out of my own head a little.

I use to believe that every friendship I had, should be a friend for life, and if I lost a friend, it meant I failed. This is probably due to not having any family, and my friends are my only anchor. It’s been hard for me to see that belief is not true for most. I really struggle with lost relationships. They always felt to me like a failed marriage. It was hard for me to see how people put blood first above everything else. I wasn’t really raised that way. My folks were rare in the fact that they had many friends over the years that were not blood yet ever bit as close as if they were. That was my normal, so any personal rejection or loss was really tough on me.

I attended a church as a child and teenager where we truly functioned like a family. Those friends remained friends throughout my lifetime. In fact, throughout generations, these special friends parents, were also my parents friends. Maybe it’s just a small community thing, or a church thing, or both, I’m not real sure.

I found myself thinking about who really mattered in my life over the years, and how important quality is over quantity, as far as friends go. The anchors in my life are these folks I have deep history with, and I am seeing clearly how very important it is to maintain and nurture those friendships. And to get past my ego, regarding friends who have walked our or faded out of my life. I have no control over that. It’s like being on a playground as a child, you can’t make other kids want to include you.

One meme on Facebook I keep seeing, is the one about friendships. It kind of refers to the kind of friendships that don’t need daily contact, or get togethers, that if its a true friendship, it will always stay the same. It may hang on by a thread, but shouldn’t we take care of the things we cherish the most? I do not agree with that belief. In fact, I believe it is often used as an excuse to comfort the person who does not find time to nurture or maintain a friendship. The best relationships require care and time. And the nurturing we spend on these important people in our lives has big payoffs. It’s an investment worth doing.

I have some long time friends that I have failed to nurture, and I have some that I need to let go of, simply because they are basically “fun friends” who don’t provide an anchor. And I’m not that important to them either.

This reunion of friends I experienced last week gave me the desire to nurture old friends that had been put on a shelf way to long. I plan on nurturing these friendships and taking care of them. I have some old friends that I see semi-regular that I plan on putting more focus on as well. I also have a couple of friends who I have not had very long that I want to hang onto and keep taking good care of.

I remember an old song we use to sing in church called ‘In Times Like These”. It is basically about the anchor we have in our relationship with Jesus Christ. But this old song reminded me of solid friends as well…..”Be very sure, be very sure, your anchor holds and grips the solid rock”

Blessings to all of you, new and old friends!

 

In times like these you need a Savior,
In times like these you need an anchor;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!

 

This Rock is Jesus, Yes He’s the One,
This Rock is Jesus, the only One;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock
!

 

In times like these you need the Bible,
In times like these, O be not idle;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!

 

This Rock is Jesus, Yes He’s the One,
This Rock is Jesus, the only One;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock
!

 

In times like these I have a Savior,
In times like these I have an anchor;
I’m very sure, I’m very sure
My anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!

 

This Rock is Jesus, Yes He’s the One,
This Rock is Jesus, the only One;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock
!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid Scale!!!!!

This week seems to be flying by. It is Thursday already. I didn’t want to tell this, but after being the most diligent I have ever been about my food and portions last week, I was up 3 pounds, pretty discouraging. But I don’t feel hopeless, just frustrated and discouraged. I know if I remain steady the scale will respond. I weight on Monday, I will let you all know either way.

I am still feeling a lot of anxiety about this big event I am going to over the week of the 4th. I pray I can gather up my dignity and just open up and have fun. I feel like such a failure. I don’t think I have ever fought so hard for a better future in my life. But you would never know that about me by looking at me. Lets be honest here, people always judge you by what you look like. When I am in this state of mind, it is so hard for me to make small talk. And parties are all about small talk. My life has been so serious and isolated for so long, I find it hard to lighten up. I am the very thing I hate to see in other people. But I am going to try. I really need to be with people.

I started an Overeaters Anonymous group at my local library. If you do not know about OA, it is a weight loss group that uses the tools of the 12 steps of recovery. It’s anonymous, and I’m not really suppose to to talk about it, I’m sure I’ll hear from the OA police if they read this. I have done everything I can think of to promote this group that is within the boundaries of the rules, yet no one has yet to attend. I have been going up to the library every Saturday at 11 AM for about 6 weeks now. I spread out all my pamphlets and prepare for a meeting, but no one comes. I’m not sure how to promote a meeting that you can’t talk about publicly. But if anyone wants to come I’ll be there. There are no scales, no fees, no diet, and it’s free.

Hope you all have a great weekend! Blessings!