Diet Hopping

My Mom use to call them “church hoppers”, people who went from church to church, finding fault in every church they left. I sometimes feel like a “diet Hopper”. Like almost all my friends, I do not like the word diet. Every fitness guru, famous or infamous says that, believing they are saying something new. Richard Simmons wrote a book years ago called “Never say Diet”. I’m not afraid of the word, and decided to start using it again. The definition of the word DIET is….the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats. I don’t know when it became the definition of deprivation. But it does not have to be.

So, here I am trying something new. I have stepped into the world of Intermittent Fasting. There is so much info out there about this on the internet, YouTube, and of course Podcasts. It’s very trendy right now. Like the low fat of the 80’s and 90’s, high fat in the 2000’s, this may be a fad as well. But I am willing to try anything, that is safe, to get out of “Weight Loss Purgatory”.

It’s going really well, I am only 2 days in, but It’s not too hard. I mean, you sleep half of the fast away, and I’m not much breakfast eater, so the worst part is the time before I break the fast, and the evening after my meal. I will get use to drinking black coffee in the morning. I have several folks who are supporting me through this. And I promise you I am eating a specific amount of calories each day and still posting on My Fitness Pal each day.

I am a bulk eater, so one substantial meal really appeals to me. And in the past when I have lost weight, I did a little fasting, and it was successful. But the “experts” say you need to eat breakfast, and tiny meals several times a day. I believed that and really tried. I even had a food sponsor advising me to balance all my meals through the day evenly. I hated it, and it really messed me up. I never felt satisfied, and I felt like I was playing with food all day and making too many food choices. Like going into a candy store with a penny in my pocket.

I feel pretty good, except I really struggled getting to sleep last night. I was awake the whole night. But I’m thinking this may be my body waking up, and my metabolism coming back to life. Or, just wishful thinking. we will see. I will be back next Monday to report how my week went and if the scale moved.

I really didn’t want to post this, because I wanted to show up here with a nice loss, be the hero, and have everyone look up to me for my stellar weight loss success. But honestly, this blog is about honesty! It’s about being transparent, not smug. My purpose of this blog is not to give you cute little stories and expert advice on my great successful journey, and spew all this wisdom upon you all.  I fail, and I do not say that to show I relate to all the people who read this blog. I mess up, and I’m 60 years old. Time is not my friend any longer. I only know this, even if it’s embarrassing, I will never give up. I will keep trying something different if what I am doing is not working. That’s all I got.

I have had to let go of some relationships in the last year. It has been tough. But I came to realize I did not have good boundaries. I expected too much out of some people, and some relationships, were simply maintained out of obligation.

I have had some friends I love deeply choose to walk out of a relationship with me, and it tore me apart. It left me feeling inadequate, and questioned my worth. But then I thought of several friends I have choose to say good-bye to in the last couple of years, and I saw this from another point of view. Sometimes it’s ok, to just give space to yourself and those around you. It is such a big relief to let go of resentments.

Part of the problem is that I am alone far too much, and I think too much. I am slowly changing that. I have been attending church, and getting out more. its hard to admit I struggle with agoraphobia. I was in denial a very long time about this, and hid it. I have a friend who has it, and I just couldn’t understand why he couldn’t go out and live his life, but my thoughts on this are much more compassionate now. The world became too hard for me to live in, physically and socially. I created this comfortable cocoon in my home, safe from any challenges, but it’s very lonely. So, I choose to push myself every day.

I never liked it when people excused their behavior with comparing themselves to a past time of success. We all do it, I have a bad food week, after confessing it, I will always say, “but I don’t eat like I use to, and I have not gained back the weight I lost”. It’s important to see progress, look back and see how far you have come, but don’t get too comfortable there, purgatory stinks!!!! Compared to hell, it’s not so bad of a place, but Heaven is worth the extra effort!

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Loss, No Gain

 

I never wanted to be one of those bloggers who vanished, and then apologized for not blogging, listing all the excused why they have been to busy to post. When in reality they stopped losing and started gained weight. But here I am, it’s been almost a month since I have blogged.

First of all, let me assure you, I have not gained an ounce. Not so sure how I’ve managed that, but my weight has basically been the same for a good 6 months. It is very rare for me to have a stall in weight loss, I am either gaining or losing. I have really beat myself up about this. The inner struggle has been torture.

I am completely put off by excuse making. When I see others making excuses I can instantly lose respect for them. Nothing is worse than hiding your shame from failure with excuses and rationalizing. I can deal with screwing up, but please own up to it. I am very hard on others who refuse to be honest with themselves and me. I believe I am that way because I spend a lot of years lying to myself, becoming a victim, and inventing any excuse I could come up with to rationalize my behavior. I loath that side of myself. I have had a lot of tragedy in my life. But, so have you! And if not, you probably will. When becoming a victim has not worked for me I would get bitter and resentful about almost everyone around me. The happier you were, the more resentful I became. Those blissful always happy folks irritated the poop out of me! I saw it as phony and superficial.

But God in his mercy always gives us what we need in that moment. He is rarely early, never late, but right on time. He knew what I needed was some extra love. One of my very best friends Danette, came to visit from Souther California. She stayed a few days with me and helped me with so much stuff around my house. I am starting to love my home once again, thanks to several people who have been generous with time and money, helping me sort through all the chaos. But most of all, she spent a lot of time loving and nurturing me. It was God sent.

Some things in life that seem ordinary are not appreciated until it’s taken from us. The simple act of waking in the middle of the night, knowing my best friend was sleeping in the living room brought me great comfort. Just waking up, and having someone in the house to drink a cup of coffee with was golden. The ordinary words good night, hold a special meaning. I had not eaten a meal, with a human, in many months. Food taste better with a friend, and the urge to binge and over eat falls aside. I am so grateful for you Danette. I will never be able to be the friend to you that you have been to me over the years. You are the definition of unconditional love. I love you deeply.

The other neat thing (I think only baby boomers use the word “neat” anymore) that happened to me this month was getting to talk with a nutritionalist. Jordan, my friend, who works with Sean and I on the weight loss group “A Better Weigh” referred him to me.

This guy looked at my age, weight, and health, plus all the meds I have been on and has formulated the balance of food I need to consume to get my metabolism going again. I trusted him, not only because he was educated, he also lived what he preached. He saved his own life through eating healthy and balanced. He was not surprised at my weight loss stalling when he looked at all the factors. I thought I was eating so healthy, and I wasn’t. I now plan my food according to the micronutrients required to wake up my body that think’s it’s starving. It takes me a while to figure all this stuff out, but I was assured it will get easier. It feels like a lot of math, kind of like those story problems we got in math class in grade school. But I am willing to give it my all.

There is a behaviors factor to consider as well, and I need to own that. I was not always weighing and measuring my food. Inaccuracy and denial can kill any weight loss efforts very quickly. I have purged my home of anything that is not on my plan, and put my accountability or high.

To all of you who are faithful readers, I really appreciate you. the support I receive is more than I deserve. I am roughly half way through my journey, I have lost 165 pounds. I wanted to be under 300 by my 60th birthday which is September 12 but things don’t always go as planned. Am I a failure? Not by any means. We only fail when we stop, and refuse to go on. Blessing to all of you!

Friends, in times like these…

I was down two pounds last week. This has given me some hope. It’s the 2 pounds I gained a few weeks ago, but, I am once again at my lowest weight since 2001, so I’ll give myself that, and be grateful.

I went to that anniversary event for my friend’s 40th last week. I had a wonderful time, in spite of my anxiety worrying about people seeing me as a loser and pathetic. That just wasn’t the case, I let my head get too carried away on that one. I saw folks I have not seen in over 30 years. It was nice, and comforting to see old friends. It seemed to help me get out of my own head a little.

I use to believe that every friendship I had, should be a friend for life, and if I lost a friend, it meant I failed. This is probably due to not having any family, and my friends are my only anchor. It’s been hard for me to see that belief is not true for most. I really struggle with lost relationships. They always felt to me like a failed marriage. It was hard for me to see how people put blood first above everything else. I wasn’t really raised that way. My folks were rare in the fact that they had many friends over the years that were not blood yet ever bit as close as if they were. That was my normal, so any personal rejection or loss was really tough on me.

I attended a church as a child and teenager where we truly functioned like a family. Those friends remained friends throughout my lifetime. In fact, throughout generations, these special friends parents, were also my parents friends. Maybe it’s just a small community thing, or a church thing, or both, I’m not real sure.

I found myself thinking about who really mattered in my life over the years, and how important quality is over quantity, as far as friends go. The anchors in my life are these folks I have deep history with, and I am seeing clearly how very important it is to maintain and nurture those friendships. And to get past my ego, regarding friends who have walked our or faded out of my life. I have no control over that. It’s like being on a playground as a child, you can’t make other kids want to include you.

One meme on Facebook I keep seeing, is the one about friendships. It kind of refers to the kind of friendships that don’t need daily contact, or get togethers, that if its a true friendship, it will always stay the same. It may hang on by a thread, but shouldn’t we take care of the things we cherish the most? I do not agree with that belief. In fact, I believe it is often used as an excuse to comfort the person who does not find time to nurture or maintain a friendship. The best relationships require care and time. And the nurturing we spend on these important people in our lives has big payoffs. It’s an investment worth doing.

I have some long time friends that I have failed to nurture, and I have some that I need to let go of, simply because they are basically “fun friends” who don’t provide an anchor. And I’m not that important to them either.

This reunion of friends I experienced last week gave me the desire to nurture old friends that had been put on a shelf way to long. I plan on nurturing these friendships and taking care of them. I have some old friends that I see semi-regular that I plan on putting more focus on as well. I also have a couple of friends who I have not had very long that I want to hang onto and keep taking good care of.

I remember an old song we use to sing in church called ‘In Times Like These”. It is basically about the anchor we have in our relationship with Jesus Christ. But this old song reminded me of solid friends as well…..”Be very sure, be very sure, your anchor holds and grips the solid rock”

Blessings to all of you, new and old friends!

 

In times like these you need a Savior,
In times like these you need an anchor;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!

 

This Rock is Jesus, Yes He’s the One,
This Rock is Jesus, the only One;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock
!

 

In times like these you need the Bible,
In times like these, O be not idle;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!

 

This Rock is Jesus, Yes He’s the One,
This Rock is Jesus, the only One;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock
!

 

In times like these I have a Savior,
In times like these I have an anchor;
I’m very sure, I’m very sure
My anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock!

 

This Rock is Jesus, Yes He’s the One,
This Rock is Jesus, the only One;
Be very sure, be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock
!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid Scale!!!!!

This week seems to be flying by. It is Thursday already. I didn’t want to tell this, but after being the most diligent I have ever been about my food and portions last week, I was up 3 pounds, pretty discouraging. But I don’t feel hopeless, just frustrated and discouraged. I know if I remain steady the scale will respond. I weight on Monday, I will let you all know either way.

I am still feeling a lot of anxiety about this big event I am going to over the week of the 4th. I pray I can gather up my dignity and just open up and have fun. I feel like such a failure. I don’t think I have ever fought so hard for a better future in my life. But you would never know that about me by looking at me. Lets be honest here, people always judge you by what you look like. When I am in this state of mind, it is so hard for me to make small talk. And parties are all about small talk. My life has been so serious and isolated for so long, I find it hard to lighten up. I am the very thing I hate to see in other people. But I am going to try. I really need to be with people.

I started an Overeaters Anonymous group at my local library. If you do not know about OA, it is a weight loss group that uses the tools of the 12 steps of recovery. It’s anonymous, and I’m not really suppose to to talk about it, I’m sure I’ll hear from the OA police if they read this. I have done everything I can think of to promote this group that is within the boundaries of the rules, yet no one has yet to attend. I have been going up to the library every Saturday at 11 AM for about 6 weeks now. I spread out all my pamphlets and prepare for a meeting, but no one comes. I’m not sure how to promote a meeting that you can’t talk about publicly. But if anyone wants to come I’ll be there. There are no scales, no fees, no diet, and it’s free.

Hope you all have a great weekend! Blessings!

Food Urges and Character flaws

I don’t know about you, but once I get a few days, and weeks under my belt, the food urges are still there but not as strong. But, they still come, and that is when I can fall into the “Stinkin Thinkin”. I can rationalize anything in my head, it is one of my biggest character flaws. I believe the lies I tell myself. And one of them is, telling myself I can eat a “little” something because I have been so good. Our food behaviors are neither good or bad. Overeating is not a moral issue. The shame the world has put on fat folks has created this lie. The things people say about fat people, if said about someone of a different race, or disabled would never be tolorated. It is one of the last discrimination category in existence. 
A little taste in the spirit of moderation can spin me out of control, or create such deep cravings that I simply can not resist. I use to fight the urges in silence, white knuckling it, and keeping my secret to binge to myself, because I saw myself as a flawed character. It’s a delicate line to cross, between seeing that I have a disease, vs seeing myself as a loathsome glutton.
There is the other side of the pendulum as well. The victim. Oh I played that card to the max! My life falling apart was the perfect excuse to become needy and manipulate what I wanted. That is something I am deeply ashamed of. It was fear driven, but none the less, it was wrong. No ones owes me anything, no matter how down and out I get. With being a victim comes a lot of whining.
I am still responsible for my actions, no matter what they are based on. There is a way out of this fat purgatory I am in, and only I hold the key.
When those strong urges come over me, I need to take positive action. I use to fight this fight alone, and when I failed, I would be super hard on myself and hide in shame. The action I now take instead are;
  • Being prepared, having healthy food available, and plan ahead, setting myself up for suscess
  • Be totally honest to God, myself and the people around me. Secrets will destroy you. If you are lying or creating a false facade, trust me, people will see right through it. Mistakes and failures have nothing to do with your integrity, but lying will destroy it all.
  • create an army of people to support you, not one, not two, but an army
  • take action when the tiniest struggle arises. Which includes, reaching out, stepping outside my tempting environment, writing, reading and praying
  • Stay humble, and not just on your terms, but completely unafraid for the world to see your flaws. It keeps you honest, and makes you trustworthy

When I do these things, that’s when the magic happens. Somehow, the urges lighten, and I make physical progress.

One huge piece of my army is the weight loss group I lead with Sean and Jordan. Between the 3 of us we have dropped over 700 pounds. What I love the most is the diversity. When in any other place in the world would a young father, a radio personality, and a retired widow find common ground? Yet these guys I consider close friends, and we totally connect on so many levels.

We are starting our new weight loss groups Monday and Tuesday, and it is not too late for you to join. This group is not a diet, we don’t require weigh ins. It’s cheaper than most weight loss groups across the country. We hold our group meeting on the phone, so you can participate from any place in the world. We have a secret Facebook page that is very active, we share our victories and struggles, with absolutely no judgement.  And boy do we have success stories! Membership is only $120 for the 8 week session. Below is the links to join. If you have any questions call or message me. 712-259-1736

Monday June 19th Group 7:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=monday-june-19th-group-600-pm-central

Monday June 19 One on One 8:00 to 9:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=monday-june-19-one-on-one-800-to-900-pm-eastern

Tuesday June 20 “Lunch with Kathy” 1:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=tuesday-june-20-lunch-with-kathy-100-pm-eastern

Tuesday June 20 “Early Bird” 5:50 to 6:50 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=tuesday-june-20-early-bird-550-to-650-pm-eastern

Tuesday June 20 Group 7:00 to 8:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=tuesday-june-20-group-700-to-800-pm-eastern

 

5 days and 5 nights

It has been 5 nights and 5 days of extreme accountability with my food. I do not think I have ever in my life tracked in such detail. If I look at doing all of this for the rest of my life it seems overwhelming. When I think of things like, the fancy smancy party I am attending over 4th of July week, and how I am going to weight and measure my food like I have this week, it makes my head whirl! And the cake! Oh my goodness! The cake will be the “piece de résistance” since the celebrated couple own one of the best bakeries this side of the Rocky Mountains.

Speaking of this Anniversary party. Have you ever looked so forward to something and at the same time terrified of it? I will be around people who I have not seen in 20 or 30 years. Some last saw me when I was on top. Some have seen the bottom, the pathetic broken and bitter side of me. They will all be attending wearing their most dapper attire, sharing pictures of their children and grandchildren. Telling about their traveling adventures and bragging about their successful children. I have none of that to share. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for my friends who are bursting with success. I love my friends. I’m just embarrassed of my life. Even though I have lost 165 pounds, Some will see the heaviest version of me because they didn’t see me in my 500 plus pound days. And of course old age has set in. My face is saggy, my hair is grey, and the years of self abuse are evident. Oh to only get back all the lost years I spent in bed, wallowing in self pity, and fear. I can only use them as a teacher, and a lesson in what really matters in life.

But my God is full of grace and sweet little surprises. I have been worrying a lot about what I will wear. I have not told this to a soul. I never want to cry “poor me” and milk favors out of my friends. But He spoke in a friend of mines ear, and she is sending me some new beautiful things to wear that she found while shopping. A lovely robe, and a pretty new top to wear on the causal get together game night. It will be ok.

I weight on Monday, I pray the scale will show some evidence of my efforts this week. If not, I will continue, trusting the fact that as I move forward in truth and honesty, that God will take care of the rest.

Blessings to all of you!

 

2%

I stepped on the scale today, I had no loss. It’s been months since I’ve had any serious weight loss. I don’t post on here as often because I don’t know what to say. And I am ashamed. I am scared, and embarrassed. Im going to write more often in spite of my struggles. Because it’s real, and these are the times most bloggers stop writing then start to gain weight. But these are the times blogging is most useful. I will not give up!

It’s been a couple of years since I have eaten any of the things that a considered fattening foods. Things like pizza, cake, ice cream, candy, bagels, bread, or pastries. In fact, I am a model dieter 98% of the time.

If an employee was productive 98% of the time, they would be praise and get a raise. They would be considered a success and a valued employee. But losing weight is not like that. The 2% is keeping me from living the life I dream of.

When I started this journey, I dropped weight by just breathing. I cut out those highly caloric food, and the first 100 pounds fell off me. It was pretty easy, and I got all kinds of attention and pats on the back. I was a weight loss roll model. I estimated portions, licked the spoon, and tasted everything I cooked before I ate it. It did not make a difference, I lost anyway.

We are all different. I wish I could be like my friends who just made a decision to lose the weight, found a plan, stick to it, to the letter, and never looked back, having solid continuous weight loss. But I have noticed those blessed folks are few and very far between. Besides, they have struggles we may never know about. It’s best I never compare myself with anyone. We really don’t know what someone else deals with in there most secret moments.

I do not believe I have a medical excuse,  that explains why I am not losing weight, I do not believe its water weight, or “Muscles weighing more than fat”, In order for me to continue losing weight, it is going to take extreme accuracy. The kind of accuracy I have often poked fun about others, as being ridiculous. I have said I do not want to be in bondage to tracking, weighing and measuring my food to the extreme. But in reality,  I am in bondage to food when I don’t take care of the details that are important, like tracking and weighing everything. Once again, I eat my words.

It is so easy to clearly see the dishonesty with some else who is struggling to lose weight, yet be in complete denial of my own.  I have seen people post a 100 calories serving of sweet potato fries in My Fitness Pal, yet show a picture of their food with a plate full of deep fried batter coated sweet potatoes that were clearly not 100 calories. Or something so covered in melted cheese you could not recognize it, and count it as one ounce of cheese. I only see this, because I have done and do similar things with my own food many many times over and over. And have been in such deep denial I could pass a lie detector test. I can rationalize almost anything. I hate this defect in my character. It makes me sick to expose something I am so ashamed of. When I see it in others, it only reminds me of my own dishonesty that I struggle with.

So I had a phone call with my accountability partner, AKA my sponsor. He is one of the few people who can help me look at my flaws in the face, and my screw ups, without judgement. I don’t feel like I am his project to fix, and he really listens to what I say when I pour my heart out. Then partners me toward the solution. What a gift.

But for me to solve a problem, requires someone to just hear me talk about it, so I can sort through it. I really have to think something through in order to change it. I wish I was one of those people who did what they were told without question or understanding. Maybe I have trust issues. It’s part of my personal process. Now, Im not talking about an extreme where I wallowed in it. I have done that and gotten very stuck, that is not what I am referring to. Sometimes wallowing in your own crap, is familiar, and warm, but it’s still crap. It’s best to get out as soon as you can.

I am an analytical person, I want to understand the situation first, before I jump in to fix it. I’m smart, I can usually figure it our or pull resources to get through something. But for me the biggest obstical is, to be bare naked honest with myself without feeling ashamed of my flaws. Ideas are not something I lack in. What I appreciate about my Sponsor is that he lets me share, then we figure out a solution together. It must take a lot of patients for him to listen to my description of what a special snowflake I think I am.

So here I am, spinning my wheels. I have been on the phone most of my morning, with the two most significant  support people in my life. I must exhaust them. I exhaust me! I am committed to planning my food for the day the evening before, weighing and measuring every morsel, and writing. I also have committed to texting my friend in the middle of the night if I have the urge to eat. Night eating is something  I have to be very aware and accountable for. Once I get started it is like a wild fire taking over.

I am a little bit sorry that I am not the kind of blogger, who rants on and on about my success, sharing past victories, to inspire my readers. Telling little antidotes about my previous struggles that I no longer have. Recovery for me, is messy. I am in the middle of a mud puddle up to my neck, and all I know how be is be real. I do not think I will ever be that person. I don’t think I want to be that person. I’m not someone who has an archive  of mantras and slogans to share. I simply want to show you the path I am on, as transparent as I know how to be in search of good health and a happy life. Blessings to all!

 

 

Aloneness and Loneliness

Down a pound, one measly pound! But maybe it’s the beginning of a downward trend. I have lost 165 pounds now. For that I am thankful. My patients are running so thin.

Several of my closest friends are going through losing parents or care taking them. Such a tough thing to go through. Yet, we all must go through that rite of passage. I was in my late 40s when I lost my folks, and just 50 when my husband died. It seems so long ago. I remember my head being a whirlwind, and lots of fear. I didn’t have anyone to morn with. And the responsibility of care taking and funeral planning was all on my shoulders. Walking my friends through this process brings back a lot of tough memories. I wasted so many years just spinning my wheels. I am so lonely today, and wonder if I will ever feel joy again in this lifetime.

There is a big difference between being alone and lonely. I do not mind being alone. But I have never felt so lonely in my entire existence. I miss day to day people in my life. Those people who bring rhythm to our lives. It’s something you don’t even think about until it’s taken from you. A tribe, a group of people who you have history with, who care about your mindless chatter, know your favorite color, what shows you watch on TV, and how you drink your coffee.

In the past, I use to latch onto a friend, or family that would sometimes call me family and include me in their lives. Their was always the best intentions, but over and over again, my neediness chased them away. I use to be the victim, blaming them for dumping me, or even my church for not caring for their widows. I see now family is not something you can choose, it has to be created organically.

I have been very critical, in my head about some of my friends who have been single, widowed, or divorced and recently found new romance in their lives. I thought at first it was jealously. I’m not so sure what is really is. I don’t think it’s all jealously. Because honestly, I have no desire to go on a dating website, or go looking for someone. It seems exhausting to get to know someone new all over again. Yet my heart is so weary. I just ache for family. I can’t stand seeing someone newly single jumping right back into a new relationship. To me it would be like getting a new dog, or having another child right away after you lose one. It seems to be a way to avoid the deep loneliness we all experience. But it only repairs the aloneness, not the lonelyness. I believe we all have to stare that monster in the face at some point in our lives eventually. And when we do, that is when the change happens. It is too much to expect anyone to carry our loneliness. It is a hole, only God can fill.

I am fighting every day to do the right thing, to create a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes when I wake, I just lay there begging God to let me sleep the day away so I don’t have to fake it one more day. I have always felt too flawed to be loved. That is my deepest issue, and it is connected to my loneliness, my eating, my relationships, finance, and everything else in my life gone wrong. I do not believe I am lovable.

I remember my Aunt Lindy experiencing this. Her husband died, she had no kids, and came up from Florida to live near us, (my Mom, Dad and me) in Nebraska. She started acting strange. She started losing her spark, then her memory. I use to go pick her up to go shopping with me, or just hang out. But I would catch her in these moments, where she seemed so distant and alone. When the Alzheimers started setting in, she would put her face in her hands, and close everyone off. In one of those moments, I asked her what was wrong, she said she didn’t know. I said, are you afraid of being alone? I’ll never forget the tears welling up in her eyes as she shook her head yes. I said, Lindy, as long as I live, you will never be alone, I will always be here for you. I wish I could comfort myself the way I comforted my aunt.

So if you are surrounded by a loving mate, and family all around, count your blessings. And please don’t get smug seeing someone like me and think “I’m glad it’s you and not me”. Because no matter how many people are around you, you will at some point have to look this monster in the face. People need people. We all receive as much mercy as we pour out. Blessings to all!

Out of the Dark

I have been really hard on myself lately. The scale has not moved for almost 2 months. My food could still use some tweaking. It’s so hard to change a lifetime of behaviors. I have not been posting because it’s hard to write about not losing weight and I never want to become a whiner and excuse maker. Most weight loss bloggers drop off when they stop losing or gaining. That is a lot of lonely blogs needing attention in cyber space considering successful weight loss and keeping it off is less that 1% of 1%. The odds are not in my favor. But I’m not letting that statistic defeat me! NO WAY!

I have accountability buddies, and friends whom I confide my deepest most shameful eating habits to. The secrets have to be exposed, in order to let the light in and heal. It is one of the hardest things I do. Mostly because I often don’t see my dishonesty myself. Before I get too far into this, I am not sneak eating chocolate cake, fast food, or ice cream. In fact, when I was at my highest weight, the amount of food I am currently eating would cause me to drop pounds rapidly. That is part of the reason very obese folks lose a bunch of weight, and then stall. Not because they have started eating more, but because the inaccuracy and volumes of food intake they got by with early on has caught up with them. I no longer carry that 163 pounds around that burned off so many calories. I have also noticed, due to my inactivity, and age, my muscles are not as big. My legs and arms seem unusually skinny. I sometimes feel like a “Spongebob round pants.” Since it’s our big muscles that cause the most fat to burn, I’ve slowed that down a bit. I’ll get it back, but it takes time. I can hear the clock ticking. I am into the 3rd act of my life, I have things do that my weight is standing in the way of doing.

When me or anyone struggles and confesses this, the next thing that is usually said is one or more of the sentences below;

  • “When I lost ### pounds, blah blah blah….. usually referring to past success to convince your self or others you are still capable of controlling this.
  • It’s water weight
  • Muscle weighs more that fat (no it doesn’t, pound for pound it weights the same, but muscle is a more solid mass)
  • I’m building muscles (again, false, even the hardest working body builders can’t gain 3 pounds of muscle in a week)
  • Last time I lost weight I did this………..I just need to do that again. closing down anyone who may have ideas to help you.

A weight loss plateau can be caused by many things. I have had an adjustment on my meds recently, that may be part of it. But I still know I can do better with my food. Exercise is great, but few people can exercise their fat off. An hour of walking for instance loses under 300 calories for most, and you can consume an extra 300 calories in just the condiments you use in your regular meals.

I have notices some people avoid talking on a feelings level. And this rings so true to obese folks. That’s why some of us will crack a joke, or poke fun at ourselves to avoid that level of conversation. If we say something about our fat ourselves, it relieves the awkwardness, and shuts out any hurtful comments someone else may say.

Bottom line, is, I just want to be real, open and keep moving forward. I have been painfully lonely lately. Deeply aching for family and the security of daily people in my life. I own my part in the the isolation I’m experiencing. When I got so fat, I ended up in bed and the world around me were either disgusted with me, or just moved on without me. Sometimes I feel like that old sock monkey that was left in the bottom of the toy box.

So for today, I will weight and measure every single thing I put in my mouth. I will plan my food and stick with the plan. I will contact my support people. And I will encourage someone else today.

By the Way, a very kind friend sent me the new Mandisa CD the other day. It’s called “Out of the Dark”, If you want to be encouraged, and need a second chance, I would suggest you go get that CD right away. And if you do not know who Mandisa is. Well, she was the overweight girl who tried out for American Idol, and was told by Simon that she was too fat for the show. She has overcome many obstacles in her life, and has a very successful music career. I’m so grateful for my friend, who listened to God’s voice and sent me this encouraging CD.

 

I’m still here  <—-click to listen