Aloneness and Loneliness

Down a pound, one measly pound! But maybe it’s the beginning of a downward trend. I have lost 165 pounds now. For that I am thankful. My patients are running so thin.

Several of my closest friends are going through losing parents or care taking them. Such a tough thing to go through. Yet, we all must go through that rite of passage. I was in my late 40s when I lost my folks, and just 50 when my husband died. It seems so long ago. I remember my head being a whirlwind, and lots of fear. I didn’t have anyone to morn with. And the responsibility of care taking and funeral planning was all on my shoulders. Walking my friends through this process brings back a lot of tough memories. I wasted so many years just spinning my wheels. I am so lonely today, and wonder if I will ever feel joy again in this lifetime.

There is a big difference between being alone and lonely. I do not mind being alone. But I have never felt so lonely in my entire existence. I miss day to day people in my life. Those people who bring rhythm to our lives. It’s something you don’t even think about until it’s taken from you. A tribe, a group of people who you have history with, who care about your mindless chatter, know your favorite color, what shows you watch on TV, and how you drink your coffee.

In the past, I use to latch onto a friend, or family that would sometimes call me family and include me in their lives. Their was always the best intentions, but over and over again, my neediness chased them away. I use to be the victim, blaming them for dumping me, or even my church for not caring for their widows. I see now family is not something you can choose, it has to be created organically.

I have been very critical, in my head about some of my friends who have been single, widowed, or divorced and recently found new romance in their lives. I thought at first it was jealously. I’m not so sure what is really is. I don’t think it’s all jealously. Because honestly, I have no desire to go on a dating website, or go looking for someone. It seems exhausting to get to know someone new all over again. Yet my heart is so weary. I just ache for family. I can’t stand seeing someone newly single jumping right back into a new relationship. To me it would be like getting a new dog, or having another child right away after you lose one. It seems to be a way to avoid the deep loneliness we all experience. But it only repairs the aloneness, not the lonelyness. I believe we all have to stare that monster in the face at some point in our lives eventually. And when we do, that is when the change happens. It is too much to expect anyone to carry our loneliness. It is a hole, only God can fill.

I am fighting every day to do the right thing, to create a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes when I wake, I just lay there begging God to let me sleep the day away so I don’t have to fake it one more day. I have always felt too flawed to be loved. That is my deepest issue, and it is connected to my loneliness, my eating, my relationships, finance, and everything else in my life gone wrong. I do not believe I am lovable.

I remember my Aunt Lindy experiencing this. Her husband died, she had no kids, and came up from Florida to live near us, (my Mom, Dad and me) in Nebraska. She started acting strange. She started losing her spark, then her memory. I use to go pick her up to go shopping with me, or just hang out. But I would catch her in these moments, where she seemed so distant and alone. When the Alzheimers started setting in, she would put her face in her hands, and close everyone off. In one of those moments, I asked her what was wrong, she said she didn’t know. I said, are you afraid of being alone? I’ll never forget the tears welling up in her eyes as she shook her head yes. I said, Lindy, as long as I live, you will never be alone, I will always be here for you. I wish I could comfort myself the way I comforted my aunt.

So if you are surrounded by a loving mate, and family all around, count your blessings. And please don’t get smug seeing someone like me and think “I’m glad it’s you and not me”. Because no matter how many people are around you, you will at some point have to look this monster in the face. People need people. We all receive as much mercy as we pour out. Blessings to all!

Out of the Dark

I have been really hard on myself lately. The scale has not moved for almost 2 months. My food could still use some tweaking. It’s so hard to change a lifetime of behaviors. I have not been posting because it’s hard to write about not losing weight and I never want to become a whiner and excuse maker. Most weight loss bloggers drop off when they stop losing or gaining. That is a lot of lonely blogs needing attention in cyber space considering successful weight loss and keeping it off is less that 1% of 1%. The odds are not in my favor. But I’m not letting that statistic defeat me! NO WAY!

I have accountability buddies, and friends whom I confide my deepest most shameful eating habits to. The secrets have to be exposed, in order to let the light in and heal. It is one of the hardest things I do. Mostly because I often don’t see my dishonesty myself. Before I get too far into this, I am not sneak eating chocolate cake, fast food, or ice cream. In fact, when I was at my highest weight, the amount of food I am currently eating would cause me to drop pounds rapidly. That is part of the reason very obese folks lose a bunch of weight, and then stall. Not because they have started eating more, but because the inaccuracy and volumes of food intake they got by with early on has caught up with them. I no longer carry that 163 pounds around that burned off so many calories. I have also noticed, due to my inactivity, and age, my muscles are not as big. My legs and arms seem unusually skinny. I sometimes feel like a “Spongebob round pants.” Since it’s our big muscles that cause the most fat to burn, I’ve slowed that down a bit. I’ll get it back, but it takes time. I can hear the clock ticking. I am into the 3rd act of my life, I have things do that my weight is standing in the way of doing.

When me or anyone struggles and confesses this, the next thing that is usually said is one or more of the sentences below;

  • “When I lost ### pounds, blah blah blah….. usually referring to past success to convince your self or others you are still capable of controlling this.
  • It’s water weight
  • Muscle weighs more that fat (no it doesn’t, pound for pound it weights the same, but muscle is a more solid mass)
  • I’m building muscles (again, false, even the hardest working body builders can’t gain 3 pounds of muscle in a week)
  • Last time I lost weight I did this………..I just need to do that again. closing down anyone who may have ideas to help you.

A weight loss plateau can be caused by many things. I have had an adjustment on my meds recently, that may be part of it. But I still know I can do better with my food. Exercise is great, but few people can exercise their fat off. An hour of walking for instance loses under 300 calories for most, and you can consume an extra 300 calories in just the condiments you use in your regular meals.

I have notices some people avoid talking on a feelings level. And this rings so true to obese folks. That’s why some of us will crack a joke, or poke fun at ourselves to avoid that level of conversation. If we say something about our fat ourselves, it relieves the awkwardness, and shuts out any hurtful comments someone else may say.

Bottom line, is, I just want to be real, open and keep moving forward. I have been painfully lonely lately. Deeply aching for family and the security of daily people in my life. I own my part in the the isolation I’m experiencing. When I got so fat, I ended up in bed and the world around me were either disgusted with me, or just moved on without me. Sometimes I feel like that old sock monkey that was left in the bottom of the toy box.

So for today, I will weight and measure every single thing I put in my mouth. I will plan my food and stick with the plan. I will contact my support people. And I will encourage someone else today.

By the Way, a very kind friend sent me the new Mandisa CD the other day. It’s called “Out of the Dark”, If you want to be encouraged, and need a second chance, I would suggest you go get that CD right away. And if you do not know who Mandisa is. Well, she was the overweight girl who tried out for American Idol, and was told by Simon that she was too fat for the show. She has overcome many obstacles in her life, and has a very successful music career. I’m so grateful for my friend, who listened to God’s voice and sent me this encouraging CD.


I’m still here  <—-click to listen

Be better than yourself




I wanted to give an update about my blood test results from the Doctor last week. I have been diabetic the last few years. Some might call it pre-diabetic, but I’ve been told there is no pre-diabetic, it’s kind of a word people use who’s blood sugars have not really skyrocketed, and an easier way to accept. Kinda like calling a heart attack, a cardio event. Well, my blood sugars were perfect! This was great news considering my Mother died from complications to diabetes. So I am on a small dose of Metform, but will probably be off the stuff in 6 months. My blood pressure was perfect, so I got to cut back on BP meds. And my thyroid, which I was taking the maximum dose of meds for, has started functioning again, so we cut that back. I’m thrilled.

I’m hoping now with my clean bill of health and my meds adjusted, I’ll be losing weight more regularly.

I’ve been reading the book Bright Line Eating, by Susan Pierce Thompson. She is a nurologist who had here own weight and addiction issues of her own and has been abstinent for years. She tells the science of how foods actually do become addictive to some people. She suggest getting off sugar and flour, and how the cravings lessen cravings. I can give up sugar. I have done that for years. But flour is going to be tough. I’ve been trying to keep my carbs under 150, and around 30% of my food for the day. I’m not where I want to be, but I am on my way. Just being mindful of this makes a huge difference.

The night eating has been going well. But I say this holding my breath, because it comes in waves. I’m not out of the woods yet.

I also got a UA band. I love it! I never really wanted one due to my inability to walk any real distant, but it has become a little game, I try to walk more then the day before. I think sometimes I don’t even try something because I compare myself to others. But to make true progress is actually comparing ourselves to ourselves.  We get inspired by each other, but while we are working our program, we need to only try to be better than ourselves. Blessings!


Doctor, Doctor, Give me the News…….

I went to the Doctor last Friday. It had been a year, and my Doctor who is also a friend, was worried I had fallen off the wagon and gained back the weight I had lost last year and hiding it from her. When I went back to the examining room I could see into the Nurse and Doctor station, I saw my Doctor and she got all happy and emotional. They blew an air horn and everyone in the clinic came running like it was my birthday at Applebee’s or something. They all applauded and some got teary. I kinda like grand gestures and attention, no one admits that, but I do, but it was bit overboard. I was a bit embarrassed, but so touched how much they cared. I spent so much of my life explaining myself and trying to have the world see that my obesity does not define my character, that it was very touching to be so cared about.

My visit went well. I got to use the regular BP cuff instead of the one for chubby arms and body builders. Last year the long walk from my vehicle to the front door then down the hall to the examining room felt like 10 miles. Friday I hardly thought about it. My Doctor was very pleased.

I have an extreme fear of Doctors. I really need to write about this so please just indulge me for a bit this might be long. I am very careful these days to not be a victim, but sometimes events in our lives channel deep emotional scares that happen. Sometime they are done by those who love us, unknowing what effect they have on someone. I want to address my relationship with my folks, but I need to defend them so it does not appear I am throwing them under the bus. My folks did the best they could, and when they knew better they did better.

I have been overweight my whole life. I was almost a 10 pound baby, and pretty sure my Mom had gestational diabetes while carrying me, and it stayed with her after I was born. She went undiagnosed for years, and when they found it, she was a very brittle diabetic.

I was fat as a toddler, I remember hearing my Moms conversations with her sister, my Aunt Lindy and her girlfriends. My mom was a compulsive talker. So her chatter was always there and in my head. I have always felt broken. I was taken to a weight loss doctor at 4 years old and prescribed what they call now speed. I remember laying on the floor in the middle of the night frantically coloring, while my Mom fell asleep on the couch. I lost 20 pounds as a 4 year old. I was on every diet known to man. I had a babysitter in the afternoons because my Mom worked, and I remember my lunch being packed, and lots and lots of carrots. So many that I turned orange. True story.

Every Summer I would vow to lose the weight, and come to school thinner. In high school I longed to be a cheerleader. But there were no fat cheerleaders. I always tried to lose weight over the summer in order to try out, but it never hapened.

At a very early age, I fell in love with my Abba Father, Jesus. Abba means Daddy. The name Jesus is not PC these days, but I hate using the word “universe” referring to God. I like using His name. So that was my source of strength as a child. My folks both had a deep passion for God, so my household was built not only on going to church, but a deeply personal relationship with God. It was not unusual at all for my Dad to lead the family in prayer. We prayed out loud in the care before a big trip, we prayed out loud at mealtime, we prayed out loud when there was any struggles.

I was very close to my aunt Lindy my Moms sister,  who was more of a grandma to me, she was 9 years older than my mom. She and her husband Lionel, had no children. Attended Weight Watcher meeting all her life. She lost and gained, but not a tremendous amount. My mom was Lucy, and Lindy was her Vivian. Lindy and Lionel did all sorts of things to help me lose weight. When I was a child they lived in Omaha, about 2 hours south. She would offer me $1 for every pound I’d lose. When I was on Weight Watchers, my uncle Lionel would buy me cases of water packed tuna. When I visited her in Omaha over the Summers, we went to Weight Watcher meetings.

I’d lose a little, then fall off the wagon. I tried everything as a child to lose weight. Fat Doctors, Exercise machines, Aydes caramels, Dexitrim, I tried it all.

The Doctors I visited as a child were not nice to me. They told me I could do this if I tried, I needed willpower. As a child I would go to church and go up to the alters to be prayed for and have God heal me. I felt like a failure, and learned to develop a personality that would attract people since my looks were not going to. As with every fat girl, I have heard “you have such a pretty face” over and over again. It is one of the biggest insults you can say to a young overweight girl. Instead we hear “Too bad you’re so fat, because you could be pretty if you were thin”

When I got older, I was the primary caretake for my Mom, a diabetic , my Dad, with Alzheimers and  my  Aunt Lindy, who had Alzheimers.  And my Husband who had serious heart issues and on top of all that he was an epileptic, having grand maul seizers several times a month that took him to the ER over and over.

My folks both worked, and I actually have a brother. But he never liked me, at all. I honestly have no memory of any moment in time when he was nice to me. At best he ocasionaly tolerated me, those were the good days.  We don’t have any connection to this day.Im quite sure if I died, he would not attend the funeral.  Altho, I would love to have a relationship with my big brother. His picture of our family is way different then mine. I was a very lonely isolated kid. I’d come home from school and food would fill that void.

My parents kitchen had no or very little food in it. Just basic staples, because it was my Moms way of controlling my intake of food. She stopped at the store on the way home from work almost everyday. We ate a lot of stuff out of my Fathers garden.

My Dad on the other had, was a foodie. He loved to cook, try new things, and had a very diverse palate. He would eat anything! And he loved to cook, so it was not unusual to come home from school and there was a beef tongue  sitting in the fridge. Food meant security to him. He grew up extremely poor. He talked a lot about eating lard on bread for dinner. He worked in the original Raddison in Minneapolis Minnesota where he met my Mom, who was attending bible college. She was the naive farm girl, he was the swanky City Boy. She was mesmerized by him. They had no clue of each others baggage going into the marriage. My Mom was insecure, and my Dad was a risk taker. My Dad a spender, and my Mom always worried about money. My Mom worried about everything, and talked about it in my presents all the time. My Dad was not a feelings person in his younger years, sort of shut off, and we knew not to ask too many questions of his sad childhood. My Mom was a gusher! So I became, at a very young age, her surrogate emotional spouse. I took it all on, and hide my own struggles.

When I would get made fun of by my childhood bully Dennis, I never ever told anyone. He would make fun of how I walked or skipped, he oddly, always called me “Hamburger” and yelled it when I got on the school bus or playground. And of course having the last name Miles, I “heard miles and miles of fat” throughout all my life. I felt so ashamed of who I was. I knew it would hurt my Mom to tell her about my bully, and I was so ashamed of being fat, I kinda felt I deserved it. I remember crying in the night, in my bed, hating being fat, and feeling so alone. When I ate, I felt nothing. Emotional flatline. So this became a deep habit of stuffing down my feelings.

At 16 I refused to go to the doctor every again. I went off my thyroid meds, and never went back to a Doctor until I was 42. Fat people get reminded daily of the health hazards of being overweight. I just felt I had a death sentence waiting. Having  Doctor scream at me about being fat and self indulgent, was awful. I’d rather die.

Plus, my Dad refused to see a doctor when I was young, and almost died from bleeding ulcers. This is when they did surgery similar to weight loss surgery to treat ulcers.They cut out 1/2 his stomach. Now days they treat it as a virus. His fear of doctors became mine. he would bleed so badly his skin was pale. He finally got the help he needed, but almost died.

My Mom was constantly worried she would go blind, or lose a limb. She talked about it all the time. I became a bundle of nerves, and carried all the stress of the family. Her Doctor visits were terrifying to her, and I would hear endlessly about how scared she was.  Meanwhile staying out of the way of a brother that did not like me at all.

I learned in my adult years my Mom had a terrible relationship with food. She was not fat, maybe 150 was her top weight but she was about 130 most of her life. She obsessed about food, counting calories, and talking herself out of eating stuff. I finally put the pieces together when I realized all those laxatives around the house were not normal. And the bathroom toilet always looked as if someone had thrown up and not flushed twice.

My Dad rewarded me with food. It was his love language. Food was sacred, the word “ick” when referring to any food, be it cow tongue or liver was as bad as swearing. We were to be thankful for what ever was on the table, and if you did not like it, too bad, there were not substitutes.

I just remember being so scared all the time. I was scared I was going to be left behind, or lost. Which didn’t help growing up in a pentecostal home. I constantly feared Jesus would come and I’d be left behind. I would run to food to find comfort, or do something creative. I was always doing art, or creating something. That made me feel good about myself sometimes.

I was loved deeply by my parents, yet the baggage they brought into the marriage spilled over onto my brother and I. I took it on as mine, and I think my brother just fled. I was the beloved child, even though I was flawed, and he saw me as spoiled, favored and coddled. I kind of was, because no one could ever get close to him.

My relationship with my folks came full circle before they died. I got to forgive them for the stuff they screwed up in my childhood. By the time they died, we were very close, and it was the biggest loss of my life, still to this day. I felt truly abandoned. Every family member that I ever loved died within 5 years. Boom, they were suddenly gone, and I felt like an orphan. So again, food was my comfort, and it ran rapid! It escalated into eating crazy volumes. I am too ashamed to ever tell you what I binged on. There were no fast food places in my little town, and I spent a lot of time alone cooking enormous meals and eating them quickly before anyone came home.

So you can now see how going to the Doctor is scary for me. But until we push past our fears, nothing will change. This take a level of honestly that can make you feel week and transparent. But it’s the only way to get strong and  through to where I want to be. Have a good Sunday everyone. Thanks for reading.


Mentors, Friends, and Forgiveness

I had a long talk with my accountability buddy about my food. He took the time to really look at my food over the last few weeks, and from a non-judgemental perspective, talked it all over with me. Never, in my entire life, has anyone ever done that with me, consistently. I didn’t feel judged, or picked on, I did not not feel controlled. I know he took a deeply honest look at my food, and worked with me. Because of this I did not get defensive or  hide in shame about something I have eaten.  He understands I am sick, a food addict, and knows I am not one to make excuses because I WANT to get well, and willing to work at it. It created a path for me to be open and not defensive. I am willing to try harder, because I know he knows what he’s taking about. He lives it, and is very open about his own plan. I can see at any time exactly what he is eating on his My Fitness Pal food diary, like me, he has it open and is consistent with posting it. This sets a good example, and proves his integrity, I trust him. I hope some day I can pay this forward.

He has had tremendous success. He has lost 230 pounds in less than a year! We started at the exact same weight, both 537 pounds. He’s a foot taller then me, but that’s beside the point. He gets me. and lives it, and does not share endless antidotes, with underline meaning.  I never feel talked down to.  It’s hard enough to hold on to your dignity and yet be open, it’s so important for me to have someone who is transparent with me on every level. This is the kind of person I attain to be. These are the things that make or break us.

We decided to lower my calories from 1600 to 1400, watch my sodium intake, and lower the carbs. Now if you are saying what I would have said a few years ago like “I don’t want to live married to planning, weighing and obsessing about food. I can’t be that ridged. I want peace with food so I can eat the appropriate amount and stop naturally.” I use to joke about those who were so detailed about their food plan, saying they switched addictions from eating too much food to obsessing about what they are eating, and used it to call attention to themselves. I was WRONG on every level.

But, what I have learned from this generous friend is, It won’t always be this way. Right now its a lot of busy work. Tracking, counting, and weighing, shopping and planning. But in time it will have the opposite effect. I take 10 minutes in the morning or the night before, to plan my food. We tend to repeat things we eat anyway, and MFP remembers this so the searches just appear as if it can read my mind. And, I find I am not thinking about what I am going to eat several times a day or get side tracked. It FREEs my time. I have the time currently in my life to get this worked out, but soon I won’t when I am working again. This will make that process easier. I am carving out a path of self care for a lifetime.

I think for me, eating 3 meals a day instead of several small meals and snacks, keeps me from making so many food decisions and temptations to dig around in the kitchen and finding a snack.

I just wanted to say, when we honestly seek help, it comes in many unexpected ways. It always comes when we take acton to seek it. In fact it requires action. You can’t learn to ride a bike by watching someone ride. You have to get on it. And yes, you will fall. Some people walk you all the way through life, some are temporary teachers. Some are catalyst to open up new doors to new people. Some are teachers for what we should avoid or not do. But everyone had a purpose in our lives. I am someone who makes friends for life, I have walked away from very few friendships. But sometimes in my most crazy moments I can chase people I love away. I’ve made some misjudgments assuming I meant as much to some people as they did to me. It hurts, friendship are extra valuable to someone who has no or little family. Sometimes that makes me a little clingy or put too high of expectations on friends. But I forgive them all. And when the resentment creeps its way back up, I pray for them. Praying for someone is a powerful way to crumble resentments.

I lost some friendships over the last few years that meant a great deal to me. I was an awful, needy, pathetic mess, striped of my dignity several years ago. I was hard to love. I also said things I regret.  Sometimes when we lose our self respect, we lose the respect of those around us as well.  Some people can’t watch this, but I was deeply hurt. Rejection is so painful.  I’m still baffled a bit, wounded and feeling abandoned. I probably will always feel a little of that. I wallowed around in self pity for years, and let myself become a victim, in order to shame them for what they did to me. I gained an obscene amount of weight.  But we have no control over how people treat us, or their commitment to our friendship. When we recover it can teaches us so much. I am a bit guarded to let people in too deeply these days, but boundaries are a good thing to learn. I did a lot of oversharing in my past. This is not a lesson in closing down and shutting people out, but a huge education on how to be a good friend. Even the worst experiences we have in our lives are valuable teachers.

Accept your friends for who they are, believe in them but don’t set high expectations on them that they can’t live up to. Most of all take deep care of those few who get you, and love you just as you are, flaws and all. Those are the true jewels of life, they come far and few between. They are God’s kisses to us. Walk out of being the victim, forgive and love. Sometimes the resentments we carry are far heavier than any amount we may weigh. It’s all connected. I let go of my resentments and the weight loss followed. Blessings to you all!

One pound down

You all know how I have given this last week 110%. So when I stepped on the scale and it said 1 pound down, I wanted to cry. I know, I know, one pound is progress, and if anyone else would tell me they lose a pound I’d have 1000 supportive things to say. But you know, we are hardest on ourselves. I am lowering my calories from 1600 to 1400 this week. I don’t think that is outrageous. 1600 was a bit high, so I will step into this week, with hope in my heart and I will never give up! NEVER!

I am making bath bombs today. Until I start working again, I try to make things to make a little bit of extra money. I’m getting better at making these things, they are a bit tricky. They are $5 each if you want some. They smell like citrus and vanilla, or dreamsicles! They don’t ship very well, so you will have to pick them up. They have embeds in them, so they spin and fizz in your tub and spit out beautiful neon colors. Great Mother’s Day gift. They are all individually shrink wrapped. (I’m so fancy)

I notice I am less depressed when I am productive and creative. I think we all have a core purpose and gift within us that fills us up and lifts our spirits. It’s a human need to have a purpose and to belong. I think when I was in bed all those years depressed and over 500 pounds I did not have either of those things. I still long for that belonging part. Over my lifetime I have searched for this. When my parents and husband died I was alone, it was so hard. I bounced and bounced from friend to friend to take me in as family. People were polite, and filled a lot of holidays and gaps in my life, but there is always a line drawn between blood and water, always. I feel kinda foolish now as I look back, how needy I acted, assuming I was truly family. I scared off a lot of friend with my neediness. Now I’m not disrespecting any of my friends. But when you have no family, there is simply no replacement. I put way to high expectations on my friends.

Some people have family and still don’t have a sense of belonging. That is why my relationship with God is so important to me. It’s not just all I have to hold onto in this world, it’s the best thing to hold onto. Just the fact that I am alive is a shear miracle. This alone validates that I am loved, cared for and have a purpose.

Blessing to you everyone!


Keep living until you feel alive again!



A brilliant friend and fellow blogger of mine wrote a few days ago “Keep living until you feel alive again!”. Her name is Liz, and if you are not reading her blog  THE ALLEY WAY You should be! This “Lizism” rang true to me today.

I did not feel like doing living that will make me feel alive again. It was cold, raining, and I woke wishing I could just sleep the day away. I didn’t seem to have a purpose, and none seemed to care, so why should I? I planned on attending church, but didn’t want to drive there alone, to sit alone, in a crowd of people who either didn’t know who I was or cared. Sometimes going to church makes me feel more alone. I know that’s not the whole purpose, it’s about corporately praising God with fellow believers.

The last thing I wanted to do was call a friend and hear them try to cheer me up, suggest solutions to my mood, or fix me. Sometimes I just want to be heard and listened to. But human contact is what I needed most. I made a few text messages, and cooked a health breakfast. Then got dressed and put my shoes on. Even though I just wanted to wallow in self pity in my bed, I went to the local Hy Vee grocery store and had a cup of coffee in the coffee shop. It helped to see people, and got me outside of my own head.

When I got home, I made lunch. by that time I had kicked my shoes off, pulled off my bra, and was hanging out in the kitchen in my undies and a sweatshirt. Then, I heard my storm door open! Yikes! I ran to the bedroom, put on pants, and opened the front door, slowly. To my surprise it was a big huge GIANT bag of frozen chicken breasts from Sam’s. My friend Edie had been to Sam’s and dropped them off. I missed her call because I left my phone in the bedroom. Until I can start working again, and that is hopefully soon, I am on a budget. Those Chicken Breast are like gold to me. Protein is a pricy item for any dieter. ( I was making a bean tostada for lunch BTW, a good budget item) I want to thank God for my friend Edie. She blessed me today in a way I did not expect. She helped me with my food budget, but the greatest part was the act of love and support. A kiss from God on a day I needed it the most. Edie was the answer to my pray today and she didn’t even know it! I felt loved.

Honesty, denial, and truth

Those of us in denial hate to hear the word denial. Dishonest people have trouble seeing that they are lying. As a fat person, I would like to believe I am honest about how much I’m eating and not in denial of my self destructive habits. But that’s not always been true.

I have a close friend, I remember her saying long long ago, that it’s an often occurrence we can rationalize away any behaviour and honestly believe ourselves that it’s true.

Dishonesty is the hardest thing to see in myself. I am ashamed of that. I want to be a good, Godly woman who spreads joy and love everywhere I go.

I have come to the conclusion the only way to be that person and not rationalize and make excuses for the things in my life I hide in shame is through total, bare naked honesty.

There is a difference between over sharing, and raw honesty. In fact, those of us who over share are actually hiding something they feel ashamed of.

I have a friend Danita, who passed away a few years ago, she and I had some powerful conversations over the years. She was beyond GORGOUS, she had a twin sister who was equally as gorgeous. These girls are 2 of my best friends. I love them like sisters. Our parents were best friends. I was their fat friend, and sometimes felt like the ugly step sister when I was with them. I was the hairdresser, the nanny to their children and because I was always feeling what made me loveable was being nice and giving, because I was not attractive.  I saw these beautiful friends as shear perfection.

But Danita once told me she envied me! ME! She felt her whole value was in her beautiful looks. She wished she had the talent, personality and CONFIDENCE I had! CONFIDENCE?!  What? I was her friend who got the privilege to do her hair, help here take care of her biggest comotidy, her looks! I watched the guys turn their heads when she and her sister walked in the room. I have never in my life experienced that, yet I watched it hapen to them over and over.

What she saw was a good hearted friend, who could win folks over with her personality, quick wit and humor, loaded with creativity, and a loving very loyal friend. Things I never valued about myself.

This is going to sound aweful, and only a truly loving best friend could say this with the understanding I did…..but she said, if she was overweight, like me, she was afraid there would be nothing valuable about her. She always depended on her looks. I live my life, and have lots of close friends and talents, I did not depend on being beautiful to have value. Well that was her perspective, and the mask I wore.

Of course this was not true about her, and that conversation was when we were in our early 20s, things changed as we got older. Danita had many MANY skills and talents, it was her shame that caused her to believe here worthlessness. As she matured into an adult, she showed the world her many beautiful qualities. Sadly we lost her way too soon. I miss her so much.

My shame about all the binging and self abuse had me wrapped in worthlessness. I was living in denial, and rationalized away all the eating and isolating.

Things changed for me when I became completely honest with myself. I became accountable and I believe I have climbed to a new level just recently. I wish I could streight shoot this recovery thing. I would be at a healthy weight by now and my body would not stop me from having a beautiful active weekend with people on the outside. But I’m a slow learner. But it’s coming for me, it’s been a slow process, but every day gets more and more glorious!



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Get out of the station!


Another beautiful, cloudy, rainy 32 degree April day in Nebraska! I love my Nebraska, I love the change of seasons, but, come on Spring! I am really feeling like I have climbed to a new level. the amount of food I was eating and the cheating I did when I was 537 pounds Caught up with me. In spite of the fact that I was no longer eating like a 537 pound person, I was eating like a 374 pound person, and in denial about how much those BLT’s (bites, licks and taste) added up. My weight loss slowed down and trickled to a stop the last several months. I needed to ramp it up. Complete honesty, first with myself then a trusted friend is the catalyst that turned things around for me. The thing is, we must get past the believe that we are moral failures, gluttons, or lacking willpower. Because that false belief about ourself makes us hide in shame. We have a disease. Open up, tattle on yourself, target the problem, then find a change you can make To move forward. But this will not work without daily accountability. And then stay consistent. Once you get the train out of the station it gets easier. Have a great day everyone!

2 Days Down!

I am doing very well, I have had 2 days of abstinence from eating at night. I think this is due to my extra accountability, and not having even a planned snack after dinner. I close down the kitchen and don’t think about food until the next morning. It stops me from all those food thoughts and decisions. I don’t rationalize because it’s not an option. I’m praying for consistency.

I could never do this alone! EVER! My army of support is the game changer. Everyone who I know that has lasting success losing weight and keeping it off over time has built their army.

Today my lunch was fantastic! I had 2 tostadas, 1/2 cup fat free refried beans, with 2 tablespoons of shredded cheese, lettuce, red onion, salsa, 1/4 avocado, 2 teaspoons of lite sour cream, and some sliced radishes. It was 411 calories, and very filling. I make the pinto beans in the crock pot with a couple of packets of taco seasoning and mash them when soft. Then I freeze them in 1 cup containers. They are so much better than the canned ones and fat free.

Have a great day everyone!