I feel like the fat girl on the trapeze. I am holding on tightly, I’m weary and I want down. But, when I look down, I am too far up to let go. I will die, or seriously hurt myself if I let go. I must trust the trapeze to carry me and my other circus performers to be there to support me. I have come too far to let go now.
You all know where I am going with this. I love word pictures, and this one is no exception. I see me today, hanging on that trapeze with all my mite today. I want to let go, but I just can’t. I am still tearful today. In fact, I did not get out of bed until this afternoon. I just shut down. Im kind of ashamed of it, but it’s true. I am in that middle place. I no longer use food to entertain and numb me, so to get up and going, requires self care. Personally hygiene, carefully planning my meals, weighing and photographing them, and reaching out to my support people. The thought of one day alone in my home without human contact can be unbearable at times. It’s worse than prison, because I am alone in here. So today, I just put my head under the covers to escape. Thank God for my dear life long friend Linda, who called to check on me this afternoon. I really think she was hearing a voice from God to call me. As long as I am willing to do the work, it seems whenever I hit the wall, God puts what I need right in front of my at the very moment I need Him.
The first question people ask when I speak of this is, “Can you get out on your own?” Yes, somewhat. I get in my car sometimes and go to Starbucks when I have a little cash. My friends are all busy with families, and this time of year no one has time for anything. I am not physically able to go to the mall and “people watch” Although, I am almost there with some determined effort. I am and will start getting out a bit, real soon. I’m not so bothered with being alone, as much as I am so lonely. Not “needing a man” kind of lonely. It’s just time to get out and carve a life for myself.
I am planning on going to the Y and water walk a few times a week, pending on the cost of the membership. I have 2 friends who said they would go with me. That means a lot to me. (thanks Diana and Pat) I’m not spending so much on food these days so I think I can juggle my budget a bit. (It was expensive to maintain a 500 pound body) . The thought of getting into a swim suit even with a t-shirt over it, freaks me out a bit, but I will push past it.
I do know what to do, It’s just time to get started. It’s painful to go someplace, I am very self conscious of my appearance. The world for the most part has not seen me in almost 10 years. So I have aged some. It’s awkward. I’m a little fearful. Scared I will hurt myself or fall, and no one will be around to help me. But I must start. So this is my first step, being honest, and confessing my weaknesses. And being accountable to you to get out of my house after the first of the Year.
I had a friend who rarely went anywhere alone. She is perfectly healthy. If her family was not with her, she had someone along with her always. She has money, so friends were abundant. Even when she came to my beauty shop, years ago, she was never alone. It was fun being her friend, because I went lots of places with her. I do not have that luxury. And I’m kind of glad. This will stretch me and I will become independent again. And I will be with my friends out of love for them, not neediness. I am learning how to be content.
So I will boldly go where… um… well, where all men have gone before. New habits are hard to make and old ones are hard to break. I have done a lot of breaking this year. So many old habits and toxic relationships have been shattered. I have grieved each and every loss. But the new horizon brings a life I can not even imagine. And it brings gratitude for things most people overlook.
I can’t wait to just walk around the mall, sit comfortably in a church pew for an hour, use my seat belt. I will soon be cleaning my own house, take my dog for a walk. Ride a bike! I long to hold a baby in my lap. Get in my bathtub, and not worry if I can get out of it. These are the things that when I lost them brought so much shame. Now they bring gratitude.
Thank you all for reading my blog and walking this journey with me. Thanks for your support, I feel it. Some of your messages have made me weep. You make my lonely days less lonely. I feel connected to my readers. Isn’t loneliness really a lack of connection rather than physical companionship? I value both, but I think it’s the connection that I crave the most. Some of you are following me on My Fitness Pal (Totalkathy is my name on MFP) you leave me sweet supportive messages. I covet every one of them. With your support I am going to get through this, and soon you will be seeing photos of a life out in this world. I promise to always be real, and honest, in the good and the hard times. Blessings to all of you!