The Fat girl on the Trapeze!

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I feel like the  fat girl on the trapeze. I am holding on tightly, I’m weary and I want down. But, when I look down, I am too far up to let go. I will die, or seriously hurt myself if I let go. I must trust the trapeze to carry me and my other circus performers to be there to support me. I have come too far to let go now.

You all know where I am going with this. I love word pictures, and this one is no exception. I see me today, hanging on that trapeze with all my mite today. I want to let go, but I just can’t. I am still tearful today. In fact, I did not get out of bed until this afternoon. I just shut down. Im kind of ashamed of it, but it’s true. I am in that middle place. I no longer use food to entertain and numb me, so to get up and going, requires self care. Personally hygiene, carefully planning my meals, weighing and photographing them, and reaching out to my support people. The thought of one day alone in my home without human contact can be unbearable at times. It’s worse than prison, because I am alone in here. So today, I just put my head under the covers to escape. Thank God for my dear life long friend Linda, who called to check on me this afternoon. I really think she was hearing a voice from God to call me. As long as I am willing to do the work, it seems whenever I hit the wall, God puts what I need right in front of my at the very moment I need Him.

The first question people ask when I speak of this is, “Can you get out on your own?” Yes, somewhat. I get in my car sometimes and go to Starbucks when I have a little cash. My friends are all busy with families, and this time of year no one has time for anything. I am not physically able to go to the mall and “people watch” Although, I am almost there with some determined effort. I am and will start getting out a bit, real soon.  I’m not so bothered with being alone, as much as I am so lonely. Not “needing a man” kind of lonely. It’s just time to get out and carve a life for myself.

I am planning on going to the Y and water walk a few times a week, pending on the cost of the membership. I have 2 friends who said they would go with me. That means a lot to me. (thanks Diana and Pat) I’m not spending so much on food these days so I think I can juggle my budget a bit. (It was expensive to maintain a 500 pound body) . The thought of getting into a swim suit even with a t-shirt over it, freaks me out a bit, but I will push past it.

I do know what to do, It’s just time to get started. It’s painful to go someplace, I am very self conscious of my appearance. The world for the most part has not seen me in almost 10 years. So I have aged some. It’s awkward. I’m a little fearful. Scared I will hurt myself or fall, and no one will be around to help me. But I must start. So this is my first step, being honest, and confessing my weaknesses. And being accountable to you to get out of my house after the first of the Year.

I had a friend who rarely went anywhere alone. She is perfectly healthy.  If her family was not with her, she had someone along with her always. She has money, so friends were abundant. Even when she came to my beauty shop, years ago, she was never alone. It was fun being her friend, because I went lots of places with her. I do not have that luxury. And I’m kind of glad. This will stretch me and I will become independent again. And I will be with my friends out of love for them, not neediness. I am learning how to be content.

So I will boldly go where… um… well, where all men have gone before. New habits are hard to make and old ones are hard to break. I have done a lot of breaking this year. So many old habits and toxic relationships have been shattered. I have grieved each and every loss. But the new horizon brings a life I can not even imagine. And it brings gratitude for things most people overlook.

I can’t wait to just walk around the mall, sit comfortably in a church pew for an hour, use my seat belt. I will soon be cleaning my own house, take my dog for a walk. Ride a bike! I long to hold a baby in my lap. Get in my bathtub, and not worry if I can get out of it. These are the things that when I lost them brought so much shame. Now they bring gratitude.

Thank you all for reading my blog and walking this journey with me. Thanks for your support, I feel it. Some of your messages have made me weep. You make my lonely days less lonely. I feel connected to my readers. Isn’t loneliness really a lack of connection rather than physical companionship? I value both, but I think it’s the connection that I crave the most. Some of you are following me on My Fitness Pal (Totalkathy is my name on MFP) you leave me sweet supportive messages. I covet every one of them. With your support I am going to get through this, and soon you will be seeing photos of a life out in this world. I promise to always be real, and honest, in the good and the hard times. Blessings to all of you!

The Sun will come out Tomorrow

 

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Another melancholy day. These are the tough days.  Being moody like this feels weak. It feels whiny, and lonely. And when I’m not weepy, I’m crabby and critical.  It causes me to question my sanity. The tears won’t stop today. Before you all think I’m milking sympathy, I want to say, the logical side of my brain knows this will pass. The logical side of my brain knows this is temporary. The facts are clear, but the feelings are very real. That’s the hard part.

This blogs purpose is to allow me to feel and write about whatever I am dealing with at the time. I am always as honest as I know how to be. Sometimes my blog won’t always be inspirational. I’m always pleased to inspire my readers, but today, I’m just struggling.

As my body shrinks, the hormones inside of me become concentrated, so untill things level off a bit, this will happen from time to time. Combined with my current limited income, being close to Christmas and having no family, it’s a tough time of year. It only reminds me of times and loved ones in my past that ended way too soon. I see what others have in their lives that my obsession for food has robed me of. I can so easily let my thoughts get carried away. imageJealousy seems to squirt out sideways all over everyone around you. Wallowing in self pity is a dangerous thing to do. It quickly turns into resentment and bitterness. My brain thinks of all the people in the past that have done me wrong or were not there for me in my time of need. That is another one of those slippery slopes. Once on that slope, it is almost impossible to turn around, and even if you do, it’s up hill.

This is a dark side of me that I’m not very proud to expose. I feel shame and guilt for having these thoughts. But I use to just react instead of feel them. I would be sarcastic, say hurtful things, spend money I did not have, and eat.

So, what’s my plan? I will reach out to someone today. I will pray. I will work on a project I have to finish this weekend. I will be  meticulous with my food plan, because these are the pivotal moments in my journey to good health that make or break me.

I am not responsible for the offensive things people have done to me in my past. But I am as well, not a victim, that is a choice.  I can not change someone or cause them to apoligize or make things right. Any effort to do that is wasted time and energy. Being a victim is self destructive and causes me to spin my wheels. Even if I am completely right, revenge or confrontation only adds damage to me, and resolves nothing. I leave God to resolve the heart of another person, without expitations.  I have hurt many people myself, in my lifetime, so I am no better than those who have hurt me.

They say success is the best form of revenge. I don’t know if that is true, I’m not really concerned about revenge. I’m only concerned about staying on my path today. Not letting anything or anyone in my current life or past derail me. The best way to stop being a victim is to mind your own business and keep moving forward.

Anytime we feel we are “done wrong”, we should let it  be a teacher for us. Not to become hard and defensive, but to never give away our personal power. I’ve allowed myself to be a doormat far too many times, just to gain acceptance. It’s also a time to be grateful for the beautieful people we have in our lives that we can always count on. Being truly grateful humbles us and makes us better givers.

Today may be a tough day, but it’s my choice if I use it to self destruct. If I have learned nothing else in my life, i have learned that tomorrow is a new day, with a fresh start and new possibilities. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning feeling worse about the bad choices I made today. So I am holding on for one more day. Blessings!

below is one of my Dad’s favorite verses. He quoted it to me often when I would be sad, throughout my life. I’m so grateful for a father who had such a strong faith and love for God. He was never afraid to share his faith.

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Bragitude

Ten days now I have meticulously weigh my food and photographed it. It’s become my new normal, and even though sometimes it’s a pain, It’s really not that hard. I know this is what I need to do right now for me to have success. I will worry about tomorrow when it comes.

I was craving pancakes all week. So I carefully measured and weighed all the stuff to make some this morning. I made 2 medium size pancakes and 2 slices of bacon, with 2 tablespoons of maple syrup. It was a lot of fussing, and after making it, and taking a picture, I was disappointed. It was not worth the work and time. I have better things to do than think of food, looking up recipes, and spending time cooking. Did I just say that? I’ve been a foodie all my life, food, preparing food, and looking up recipes has not only been a hobby, it has been an obsession. Things surly are a changin’.

That drive to devour something I love and crave was not as strong. I’m still on my toes, I will have to be mindful and careful all my life. But that white knuckling, deep craving was in the shadows. I am thankful and relieved to know my life will not always be about that battle in my brain consuming so much of my time will only be in the background, the longer I stay on track.

There is hope! Trusting the process works! So much fat is in my head. The physical manifestation is only a small component of my struggle with being morbidly obese. The most courageous things about losing weight is not the food, calories, or diet. It is being brave enough to look on the inside, then feel those feelings. Then be “scary” honest with yourself and confessing it to someone safe. So many of us go to extremes to avoid this. We react every time someone says something that would challenge facing the issues that have us grip so tightly to our secrets and our romance with food.

If there is a subject, or situation in your life that you avoid talking about to someone close to you, then, most probably you have issues with what you are avoiding. For years and years I refused to see a Doctor. I did not see a Doctor from age 15 until I was 42. I was terrified, and If anyone talked about anything medical around me I would change the subject or walk out of the room. I had been so verbally beat up by diet doctors when I was a kid, by hearing over and over how my obesity was going to give me an early death, I avoided the subject at all cost. I still have trouble going to the doctor, when I was gaining weight. Not so much because I worried my Doctor would shame me because of my weight. It was because I was scared I had a disease, or something devastating wrong with me and I did not want to face if or deal with it. You see, because my eating was so out of control, I feared having another thing in my life, like a serious health issue that would be out of control as well. It was not a control freak thing, it was a feeling of helplessness. So many fat people live their life harboring secret fears. That fear grows and grows, and we keep trying to shove that fear down with food, just to deal with it. Fear paralyzes us. You would think it would be a motivating factor to get healthy and stick with a healthy food plan. But it does the opposite thing, because it robs us of our self value, and confidence. Then a whole lot more crazy stuff often happens. We become jealous, full of self-pity I was becoming very bitter. And that sometimes manifests itself as cynical and sarcasm. And I was plenty of all of that. I am ashamed of some of my behavior and what came out of my mouth. I justified it all, and believed my justification.

Graditude not to be confused with “bragitude”, is a huge component of breaking the chain. True gratitude humbles us, Keeps us from whining and helps us to step outside of our head and ourselves. Graditude is about being totally aware that your blessings have nothing to do with how special you are and how blessings are not earned. Bragitude is a sideways way of showing off. it’s way we can brag about all we have by wrapping it up in a facade of thankfulness. I use to do it a lot. It’s a huge thing people do on Facebook. Lots of people do it via their “wonderful hubby” “beautiful children” or elaborate homes or toys. When my self-esteem was on the floor, I always felt extra bad about myself when someone bragged about their perfect family, because it made me wonder why God did not bless me, and what was I doing wrong. Bragging especially Bragituding, hurts people, that are hurting.

I did it with bragging about my wonderful friends, and things people gave me or did for me. It was my way of telling the world how special I was because of how generous people were to me. Oh, there was a thankful heart, but it was also a means of showing off a bit.

When you no longer need validation, you quit bragging. When you no longer need validation, you realize how valuable you truly are, and that is when you are finally free to honor yourself and your body, that is true graduated in it’s rawest form. And that is when you rise to a whole new level of gratitude that you have never experienced before. Blessings to all of you!

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I was down another 2 pounds today after a frustrating plateau. That’s a 115 pound loss. This puts me at 424 pounds, I ache to be in the 300’s. I know some who would jump off the roof of their homes if they were in the 300’s but to me, it puts me closer to feeling normal. I am the fattest person I know. Being in the 300’s removes that. I’m feeling a new surge of confidence. I say that with caution. Because I am here for the very long haul, and I know there are many mountains left to climb. That slippery slope happens hard and fast without warning. But it is important to embrace these great moments that bring confidence and make us stronger.

I have been asked a lot lately for my secret to success. I truly wish there were secrets, because I could surely market those secrets for a lot of cash. But the truth is nothing new;

  • Track your calories
  • Write them down
  • Find accountability
  • Be bare naked honest to the core, then be more bare naked honest
  • Have a personal relationship with God
  • Share and support others
  • Move, as much as you can, then when you can do more, DO MORE!
  • Record your weight loss on a regular bases
  • Find a place or a few safe and non-judging friends you can share your feelings with
  • Ask for what you need

I have a few friends and acquaintances I would love to have join my journey. I think this is the hardest part. I am finding so much peace and contentment in my new life I want to share it with those I love. But I have to let them find their own path. It’s like that person who just found Jesus in their life, and wants to tell everyone because he knows it would get them out of their misery!  But you can not make someone  become a seeker. We can only show attraction with our daily peace and success. So many of my friends were so supportive when I searched for my own path. I know now what they may have experienced. It is so frustrating to see someone struggle when you want to show them the way. Watching someone you love self destruct is hard to do. many of my friends gave up on me and walked out. I understand, I own the responsibility.

Hearing once more, about a morbidly obese friend dying at a young age is terrifying and makes you feel helpless.  It feels like you are letting them down by not making them listen to your direction. So you talk to them, hint, or suggest. You sometimes make them feel like you think you are superior, or a know-it-all, unintentionally, of course. I remember others desperately trying to help me, and how I sometimes resented it.

Honesty is a giant factor for me. Why? Because I was not honest for years and years. I believed at the time I was being very honest. To the point where I would have passed a lie detector test. I did not want to look at the fact that I was unwilling to give up some things to lose weight and gain my life back. Much of that, I see now, was fear based. When challenged, I would get resentful, and become the victim, to the point I thought I was being bullied, or misunderstood. I played the “poor widow” card, the “orphan” card, even blaming satan for attacking me. Maybe He was, but my God is much bigger and using satan as an excuse was another way to not be pro-active. I also believed that God was going to mericalously rescue me on my terms.  I would either wake up 300 pounds lighter, or my desire for food would just dissapear. Well He actually has rescued me, but not in the way I thought He would, but a better way. I quoted all the scripture about his protection, and love for me, all while I did not give my all. Oh, I did a little, enough to make a good appearance, to convince myself and others. I’d have some success, but it never stuck.  I whined about the scale, the water retention, the Holidays, the food addiction, my period, menopause, post-menopause, The FDA, my trainers yelling at me and not understanding me, ….blah, blah, blah. Ok, before I get some nasty emails, yes, some of those are surly factors for some of us. But, when we use them as excuses, to not give it our all ( I hate the word try) they are lies.

It is very hard for me to hear someone talk that is in denial and justifying everything. I hear myself in them, and it kinds scares me. I get kind of annoyed. I also annoy some of those those who hear my talk of success. I have lost friends, had sarcastic comments made to me and behind my back. I have even been unfriended on Facebook by some very morbidly obese friends, and not so obese friends. Some may think this is because they are jealous, I don’t think it is. I think my raw honestly scares them. I say the things they fear hearing the most.  I talk a lot about death being around the corner for me if I do not take immediate action. And honestly, I must confess, I am learning, but I have been a little judgmental, and “in your face” a bit. It is so hard to hear someone that is morbidly obese justifying going out to eat a basket full of wings at a sports bar, when they can barely sit on the barstool. Yet wonder why the scale does not measure a loss. It’s hard to hear about someone who is morbidly obese make elaberate food plans and food talk for the Holidays, when they are possibly going to see the last Holiday with their family if they don’t surrender their drive for food. I only know this, because I did this most of my life. It has taken all of my time and effort to turn my thinking around, and every day I have to make it my number one priority. I do not do this for my kids, I have none, I do not do it for my spouse or family, I have none. Don’t for a minute feel sorry for me! I am doing this for the right reason, for me. Because God has a purpose for my life, and He loves me. Until you know that, you will always be wanting to lose weight to become a better, more lovable, or worthy person. But the fact is you are worthy right now, Now,  at what you consider to be your highest, most pathetic, most disgusting weight. Honor yourself. Not for anyone else, other than to become the person you were created to be. To have the purpose you and only you can fill. This is the reason your health should be number one priority in your life. All the rest is just icing. Be blessed everyone!

 

A Slippery Slide

I’ve learned so much this week weighing everything I eat to the gram. I am sure many of you think it’s too extreme and kind of ridiculous. 6 months ago, I would have too. But as I have said many times, I am morbidly obese, I will die an early death if I do not take action immediately! I should already be dead. How many morbidly obese people live into their 50s or 60s? Not very many. I am one of the few. I am alive today by the grace of God. My life has value and purpose. I say that with a grateful heart, because until a few months ago I did not believe that.

I am not recommending that all of you do this, it’s my path, and although I would support anyone who did weigh their food and photograph it for the accountability, I respect everyone’s individual path to good health. This is such a simple thing for me to do to avoid an early death.

  • I want to share a few things I have learned this week. I am amazed how inaccurate I was about many things. One was the milk I put in my coffee. I use to just dump a splash in it, or pour half a mug or so for steamed milk for my lattes. imageNo wonder I had to buy a gallon of milk every ten days or so. I only use milk for coffee or occasionally cooking. So, doing the math, that is 16 cups of milk in a gallon that I counted as 1/2 cup, that’s 32 portions of milk for coffee…..by my inaccurate records, a gallon should last 30 days instead of 10. Do you see where I am going here? (16 cups f 2%, I don’t like skim, I would rather drink less of the 2%, ……is 2080 calories)

Ok, I’m not trying to be anal here, I’m just making a point. I found several things like this that I caught. But the truth is, I knew it all along. It was my deep denial that surprised me. I avoided doing this because I knew I would have to uncover those little truths.  My little secrets that were so tiny and ridiculous, I failed to see the impact they made on my health. You don’t weigh 3, 4, or 500 pounds unless you are consuming 3,4, 5,000 calories each and every day over a lifetime. If you are honestly eating under 1400 calories a day, and if you are even a healthy weight, you have to be losing. If not, you are eating more than you think, or you need to see your doctor right away.

I am so weary of the years of lying to myself and worst of all convincing myself I was giving my all. I have been grieving this week.  Facing the facts that in order to be successfully healthy, there is no way around it, I must carefully monitor my calorie intake very carefully.

I remember my old Weight Watcher days. I went to a group in my little town, with a room full of mostly women I knew well in my community. I did well, having great success. But it never stuck. I would basically starve myself the 3-5 days before the weigh in, even at times using laxatives, or fast the day before. Then after the weigh in we would all go down the local cafe and eat breakfast. We all pretended to eat carefully, but it’s pretty amazing how we rationalized those huge pancakes with “diet” syrup, and huge bowls of oatmeal with mounding tablespoons of brown sugar. Let me just say, in defense of some of my WW friends, not all of them over ate like that after the meeting, but I, and many of us did. I would go open my beauty shop after that and eat a huge fast food lunch on my break, while I would think of what I would binge on that evening. Then Monday or Tuesday I would buckle down and white knuckle it the rest of the week. I never made my peace with food.

I have found a peace and a surrender I can not find the words to describe. When a food thought ran across my mind this week, I didn’t want to reverse all my good days. The accountability has been priceless. Knowing I have to photo my food and show my food diary to my accountability group has been the insurance I needed to stay true to myself. It has become a sense of pride. Not arrogant kind of pride, but one of gratitude and confidence.

I must remind myself, I am one step away from stepping on that slippery slide.

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Have you ever gotten on a water slide and stopped in the middle? It is next to impossible. That is how deeply I need to monitor my food addiction. Only my slippery foods slide lands in a grave instead of a refreshing pool of water. I will only have suscess doing this consistently one day at a time. Blessings to you all!

Cut the Cheese

OK, I’m going to share something some of you might find kind of extreme. I just want to say, I did not become morbidly obese by just eating a few cookies. And my obesity will give me an early death, If I do not work and stay on a recovery plan NOW. I also do not think what works for one person works for everyone. But I do think we can find solutions to our struggles by listening and observing people who have success at what we are trying to achieve. So like my buddy Sean from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser I have committed to just this week, weighing and posting pictures of my food for my accountability partners to see.

I really wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch today, It’s winter here in Nebraska, and comfort food is, well, comforting. My Grandfather on my Moms side was from Sweden. Christmas always reminds me of my Swedish heritage. At Christmas we always had Potato Sausage, sometimes Lutefisk, (ewwww!) and a cheese with caraway seeds called Bund-ost. bond ostI love Bund-ost! I love cheese! So this brings me to my grilled cheese sandwich I made for lunch.

Weighing, photographing and posting every gram of food I put in my mouth takes time, lots of time. Most fat people I know eat fast. I do, we want it now and fast. It takes time to weight everything, assemble it, photograph it, then post it. It can sometimes feel silly.  But if my life depends on it, it’s more than worth it.

So I cut the cheese (tee hee) and almost had to sit on my hand to not lob off a slice and nibble on it right there. It about killed me! I weighed a chunk, and it was way over the amount of calories I needed for a sandwich.

I had to cut off that little chance. Oh how I wanted to shove that in my mouth while I was cooking.

I had to cut off that little chunk. Oh how I wanted to shove that in my mouth while I was cooking.

So I lobed a chunk off, and resisted the urge to shove that piece in my mouth. I carefully put it with the rest of the cheese in a ziplock bag and set it on the other side of the counter. Then I weighed the butter in grams. I opened the can of Campbell’s Tomato Soup, and weighed it on my digital scale. There was about 1/3 of the can of soup left after I weighed my portion. I weighed the milk, instead of just dumping a glug into my microwave ready cup. While that heated up I got my pan ready for my grilled sandwich. IMG_3814It was about half the size of a sandwich I would normally eat. I got it all ready and took the picture. The food after all of this was not as hot as I am use to. But it was still warm. I think this was the best grilled cheese and tomato soup lunch I have ever had since childhood. Because of all the preparing, it slowed me down to eat slower. I sometimes eat so fast I look like I am trying to win a food eating contest. That sandwich tasted so good, I finished and felt no guilt what so ever. There is a peace that comes with the certainty of knowing I had honored and kept my word to myself.

I am getting some real insight from doing all this weighing my food.

  • First, I don’t feel that urgency to get as much food as I can out of my calorie budget. It seems like I don’t have the drive to eat mass quantities of food quite as much.
  • Second it seems to lower the anxiety of the scale. I don’t fear weighing, or feel the urgency to keep checking my weight. I know what I am eating and I know if I am truly honest and accurate the numbers will just take care of themselves.
  • I lowered the emotional dependency and anxiety I have about my next meal. I can see how someday what I am eating will no longer be the main event of the day.
  • I also can not believe how long the food I have in my kitchen and fridge is lasting. I am for sure over buying food, and sometimes eating extra to not let it go bad or be wasteful. But is not the weight extra food puts on my body more wasteful that throwing it away? My friend Gerri says, “you are not a garbage can”. Isn’t my life more important that money wasted? I also believe I will be saving more money than I may even think I will by simply not buying so much.

Some of these points I have not completely processed in my brain. I can not explain why this is working in ways I did not expect, but I don’t have to understand, I just have to know it is working.

This is probably a little deep for those of you who are losing weight for cosmetic purposes. I respect that. But maybe some of this would be helpful to some of you who struggle on a deeper level such as I.

I do not want to think too far ahead. Because it’s a bit overwhelming to think I could do this the rest of my life. But for today, this is what I need to do. And if, or when I look beyond today, I trust my God to carry me through what feels impossible. I always hear that saying “one step and a time” but until we take that step, we won’t have success. Getting so far ahead of ourselves and thinking of the overwhelming mountain ahead sometimes keeps us from taking that first step, especially if it is something new.

I urge you who are struggling with obesity or over eating to trust taking that first step. Even if it seems kinda silly. Photographing and weighing all my food to the grams seemed so extreme to me at one time. But It has brought me peace, and hope. I do not live with guilt or not feeling like I don’t measuring up. For me, being extremely obese has called for extreme measures. And I am willing to do that in order to wake up tomorrow morning. Blessings to all of you!

Below is my lunch today, and how it counted on MFP. Feel free request to be my friend on MFP. I have my diary open for any of my friends to read. my name on MFP is Totalkathy, just put in the message that you read my blog.

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Liar, Liar Pants on Fire!

 

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I had a plateau last week on the scale. This should not be happening to me. When you are morbidly obese and eating the amount of calories I am, I should be losing. So I got real with myself. One of my struggles in eating right has always been portions. I can rationalize and alter my food diary to look perfect. But what I was not being honest with is the inaccuracy in eyeballing portions, the mounding tablespoon of peanut butter, that slice of ham that I shove in my mouth while I make a sandwich. I must be totally honest with myself if I am to gain success.

I don’t want to call anyone a liar, because sometimes the scale does not go the way we think it should in-spite of our efforts, but I can speak for myself. I have been a liar. I confess right here! The count of crackers in my soup are an estimate. Have you ever counted out 15 oyster crackers? It’s not as many as you think. I could shove 15 in my mouth at once if no one was watching? That is 70 calories! I could do that with 1/2 the bag!

Do you measure that cream or milk you put in your coffee? Me neither. But not anymore! I am a changed woman, I have seen the light! I am tattling on myself, and to be honest, it’s down right embarrassing! Did you know if you buy a loaf of bread at Panara you can have it cut in thick slices verses thin slices?  Yep, I have them cut it thick, and the thick slice of that yummy bread is TWICE the size! It is 2 slices of bread! I knew better, too. I use a measuring spoon to measure the mayo in my tuna, but do I level it off? Nope! That can actually be 2 tablespoons or more! So instead of 100 calories it’s 200+. The hamburgers I make for my sandwich is rarely 4 ounces. I just eyeball it and count for shrinkage.

See how carried away it can get? I won’t name names but I suspect some of my fellow dieters do the same thing. You know who you are. How bad do you want to lose that weight? Well then, be real, be truly honest at least to yourself.

It feels good to come clean. I almost have a new exhilaration about my food plan. it’s kind of a relief to confess and refresh my commitment. I am for this week, (and I kinda think for many weeks to come,) not measuring, but weighting all my food. I don’t trust myself with measuring cups. It’s too easy to cheat. I can cram an unbelievable amount of noodles in a measuring cup. Weighing the uncooked pasta is so much more accurate. It’s pretty easy  if you use My Fitness Pal, I think they would even have opossum in their data base if I checked. Pretty much if it’s not on My Fitness Pal, it’s probably not eatable.

I am also taking pictures of everything I am eating, and making myself accountable with some other weight loss buddies. Yes this takes extra time, but I am worth the time, and I am sure it will become routine in no time. I don’t really know how long I will do this, but I think it will be a while. I’m OK with that, I want this BAD! I will not be long on this planet if I don’t. I will do whatever it takes. Some would never fuss with this, and that’s OK. I get that. But for me, I will never stop trying. And when I get stuck, I look for a way to get unstuck no matter how many times I have to tattle on myself. Here is my food for the day.

I love these Vitiatop Muffintops and energy loafs.

I love these Vitiatop Muffintops and energy loafs.

Breakfast and Lunch on MGP

Breakfast and Lunch on MGP

Don't forget your water, I drink 3 of these a day for a total of 72 ounces.

Don’t forget your water, I drink 3 of these a day for a total of 72 ounces.

Lunch, a ham sandwich with avocado, tomatoes and shredded cheese,

Lunch, a ham sandwich with avocado, tomatoes and shredded cheese.

Lily wants a bite.

Lily wants a bite.

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I saves a Clementine for later.

I saves a Clementine for later.

Feeling Melancholy

I’m feeling melancholy today. I have been weepy for weeks, but extra weepy today. I have not been out of my house in a good 2 weeks. We have had a lot of snow, and being so obese, one fall and I could be in big trouble. So, it’s just the way it is. I am very lonely, I have people that check in with me, and I have several friends who would drop what they are doing and run to me if I had an emergency, so I’m not dangerously alone. I’m just lonely, and today, the weight I have yet to lose feels like one thousand pounds.

The facts are, I am on track, I am safe and my basic needs are being met. I knew going into this there would be days like this. It’s the feelings that are the big mountains I need to climb today. There is a part of me that feels a little shame for feeling like this. Maybe because I feel weak, but I do sometimes wonder what is so flawed with me that has left me alone in the 3rd act of my life? It’s dangerous to wallow in self pity and ask “why me?” Any answer would be a lie anyway. I know deep down in, my isolation is not due to the fact that I am a bad or flawed human.

I think many fat people are so scared of facing these questions that they use anything to block feeling this way. I know I have done it many times through out my life. This is why so many of us become obsessive about things. It is why we eat, it is why we fail to take care of ourselves yet “over-care” the ones around us. It is why some of us become obnoxious know-it-alls. I am embarrassed when I think of what a know-it-all I use to be. I use to be terribly cynical and sarcastic, and actually proud of my sarcasim. I thought it was part of my sense of humor. It kept people at a distance and I was very opinionated. I remember doing anything I could to avoid feeling flawed, or rejected. Desperately trying to compensate and validate myself. Some of us become dependent, letting our loved ones take care of us so we don’t have to take charge of our own lives. This makes us feel loved and cared about. We become so dependent that the thought of doing anything independently or supporting ourselves is no longer and option. We try to create order by being meticilously organized.  This brings comfort and wards off any surprises. Some of us think God is our Sugar Daddy and is going to sweep down and miraculously fix it for us. We think we try, but not truly, or fully.

We avoid those who are doing what we aren’t or won’t They make us feel weak and a bit foolish. Running the other direction when challenged to face uncomfortable feelings. Even making fun of those who feel deeply and talk about feelings. Some crack jokes when the conversation gets serious. Some of us drink. I have lost several friends ever since I started getting very serious and started having success losing weight. Some of my fat friends have faded away, some have ignored my progress, some just don’t like me anymore. I grieve those losses.

So here I sit, with tears streaming down my chubby cheeks, still wondering if I am lovable and have any purpose on this planet. I know the facts, I know I have value and am capable of being loved. But what I feel and what is truth can get blurred. This is where I get in trouble. If I wallow in this too long I will self destruct. I’ll eat, I’ll damage valuable relationships, and I will shut down emotionally.

I will not be defeated this time. I will not self destruct. I want this bad. Keeping perspective is a constant balancing act. I feel like on of those people that use to spin plates on the old TV variety shows in the 60s and 70s. Fearing something will crash to the ground. While everyone watches. 492d92ff5731aa7fe43b893dc6915663What is life and death to me is not ordinary. It is vitally important that I stay within my calorie budget. It is life and death to me that I write down my food diary. One free for all meal can derail me and I may never get back on track. It is vital that I humbly depend on my support system, and trust that my weakness won’t be judged. What I feel, regardless how sad and lonely I am, can not change the fundamental elements that I have set to become whole.  I know I can be a bit rigid, and annoying, but I must stand firm.

I do not have the luxury of ordering a pizza for just one night, or going out to dinner and ordering anything I want. What sadness I feel is not a deal breaker, I am keeping the promise I made to myself. I struggle and feel guilty when I don’t weight and measure my food properly. That mounding table spoon of peanut butter on my toast makes a big difference. It’s not the peanut butter that will push me over the edge, its the complacency regarding the peanut butter. And no, I am not always perfect, but when I see a struggle or flaw, I fine tune it, and when I need help I reach out.

This is exhausting, it is lonely, and honestly my life is not fun right now. But what I do have is self respect, hope, and faith. I don’t live in denial anymore and I can identify my feelings and feel them instead of letting them run my life. Someday I will feel joy, I will belly laugh again. But today I will gladly trade a season of melancholy and loneliness for the woman I am slowly becoming.