We are all just Bozo’s on the Bus

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It’s been 17 nights I have slept all the way through without getting up in the middle of the night and binge eating. For that I am very grateful. I didn’t talk about it much because I was a bit ashamed, and honestly, I did not want to let go of my dirty little secret.

Objects On Scale Are Heavier Than They Appear

Objects On Scale Are Heavier Than They Appear

I did not realize it until I had a few days of abstinence under my belt. Denial is something I am rarely aware of. Deep honesty, with myself gets peeled off in layers. I guess because if we cut deep into it right away, we would not be able to handle it. So little by little, as long as I continue moving forward, the layers of denial get peeled away.

As in anything in life, when we make personal progress, is all we see is the challenge in front of us and sometimes can’t get a real grip of our progress and growth. The scale tells me I am making progress. It is the biggest tangible proof of what direction I am going. I know a lot of you have issues with the scale and do not weight yourselves much. I get that, I was never one to jump on the scale 6 times a day. I was the one that refused to get on it. As long as I did not know the number, I did not gain.  You won’t believe this, but I remember once joining Weight Watchers for the 100th time and having to get on the scale for the first time in ages. I believed I was in the 300’s. a88a44fb8c95f27bb5c9737fe0a72addCome to find out when I got on the scale I was over 400 pounds! I was shocked! Imagine being 100 pounds more that what you actually believed you were. How does that even happen? That’s Denial it it’s truest form. Weighing weekly for me, is one of the non-negotionables that my friend Sean Anderson calls. It is as important as tracking my food on My Fitness Pal every day. It keeps me honest.

Have you ever been through something, or made progress and suddenly you see your old self in someone?  It’s like the old saying, “You can’t kid and kidder”. We immediately recognize our old behaviour in someone else. It has taken me a while to know how to handle this. At first I wanted to point out to those friends what they need to change in their lives.I thought I was doing them a favor. But then I remember, everyone has to peel their layers off at their own pace. Just like I did. There are no short cuts. Never give advice unless asked. It’s important to respect everybody’s process. Other wise, we appear to be a know-it-all, and give off airs of superiority. I’ve done that more times than I want to admit. No one likes a know-it-all.

So today I will keep my own side of the street clean. I won’t be telling the guy across the street how to maintain his business. I won’t compare myself to others, I won’t get jealous, I will be grateful for the progress made. And if ever, I think I am superior because of my progress, I pray I will remember how hard and fast we can fall. There is no arrival, only progress. As my friend Gerri says, “we are all just bozo’s on the bus”.

Pain or Regret?

 

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Today I am in a lot of pain. I have been going to the Y and getting in the pool Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It took more courage that I could say to get there the first time. I like the water, I love being in the pool. It is is the only time in many years that I do not feel the pain and pressure on my joints. But getting there is another story.

It is a big process to get in that pool three times a week. First of all, putting on a swim suit is an aerobic experience in its self. I am grateful for my friend Pat, who helps me get dressed. She will never know what a lifesaver she has been in my life. Putting on something made of Lycra is not easy for a chubby chick. Then I put on my aqua shoes, which have toes in them, and takes some doing to put on. I feel more secure using them. So they are worth the trouble. Then I get in my Tahoe and drive the 10 blocks to the Y. It is a beautiful new facility. People are very nice there, I never feel judged, only respected.

The walk to get to the pool is by far the hardest thing I do all week. I use handicapped parking, I am grateful for that. But the walk up to the door is quite a distance. No one would really notice, but it is a slight incline. I am winded and sometimes have to sit on a retaining wall for a bit half way to the door. Once I get in the door, I sit in the waiting area to catch my breath. Then I proceed to the pool, I hope the person behind the desk will see me quick, so I do not have to stand very long to check in. Then I start my walk through the longest hallway I have ever seen. (OK, not really, but It seems long to me) I can walk to to the end of the hall, and go into the pool, or cut through the woman dressing room, and zig zag my way. When I get to the pool, I have to walk to the furtherest place in the pool to get to the steps that are provide to walk into the pool. I sit on a bench in front of the steps, and bravely remove my cover up. Once I am in the water, with my friend Diana, I realize that it is all worth it.

Ryan, the lifeguard is awesome. it is no surprise this handsome young man is one of the managers at the Y.  He is very helpful and friendly. Ryan is a young man from a small town in Iowa, with great people skills. Honestly, having a friendly lifeguard, with a warm personality, that never intimidates, could make or break my experience. I am grateful for Ryan.

There is usually a handful of people in the pool, mostly older and middle age folks. No one has a perfect body, so there is no judgement. Only respect for all who bravely attend. I try to get finished and out of there by 3:00 PM, because soon, the high school swimmers arrive for practice. I think I would die if I was in the pool when they all come marching in. Is there anything more intimidating than being in my swimsuit in a pool with high school athletes also swim suits? Oh yes, one thing, getting out of a pool in all my glory, in front of a group of athletic high schoolers.

The next morning I can hardly move. But I do, and I am grateful for the pain, because I know it’s working. There is a saying “Everyone must choose one of two pains, the pain of Discipline or the pain of Regret”. I thought about this long and hard when I found it, remembering some of my regrets based on my lack of discipline. All the great years I wasted morbidly obese living an isolated life, mostly in my bed. Trust me, it is much harder to regret than experience the pain I am feeling. The pay off is worth it 1000 fold. I am so grateful that God gave me a chance to restore my health before something life threatening happened to me. I am living on grace. There are very few people over 500 pounds that are over 50 years old. I am one of the few who survived. I say this with humility and gratitude.

This is serious business to me. This is the reason I do not blog about recipes, or diets. There are many vehicles to getting weight off.  It’s the fat in my head that is my biggest battle. I believe when someone endlessly chatters about diets, food and recipes, sometimes, that is a way to avoid dealing with the real heart of the problem. Feeling the emotional pain from a dysfunctional relationship with food is hard to look at. Many will avoid feeling and talking about that at all cost.

As I continue my road to health, I hope I never forget the regret and years of isolation when almost all of my whole social life was on the phone or on on the internet. I will spend the rest of my living days, encouraging those who felt as hopeless as I. I pray as I continue losing, I never forget how close I was to losing my life or that hollow loneliness I survived.

 Be well everyone, don’t fear pain, fear regret. b8743-10727534_905114789533505_564644965_n

 

I took the plunge!

Well, I got to the pool yesterday. I want to say God Bless my friends, Diana who went with me, Pat, who helped me get ready, Linda and Liz for your sweet prayers. It took a small army to get me there, but I got there. I am so happy I went through with it. I wanted to back out, I had a melt down right before, but I went. I know it would be find once I got there. And it was. I even made some new friends. If you know anything about me, I love to make friends, and will chat with anyone willing to talk. It’s actually something I sometimes have to put a restrain on. But I love people, I can’t help it.

Seriously, the power of friendship can move mountains. In my case, 300 pounds. I could not take this journey alone. I had someone recently tell me that I was building an army around me of supportive people who would go with me on my journey, I totally believe that. I took a big chunk out of Diana’s day yesterday. She could have gone to the Y alone and been done in half the time, but she was so generous, patient and merciful. I believe Diana will have so many beautiful jewels in her crown in heaven that she will need a wagon to carry it around. We went to beauty school together, our friendship has gone through a revival in the last year, and I am so grateful for her.

There are a lot of Meme’s on Facebook about friends still being there even when we do not see each other for years,, bla, blah, blah… I do not like that theory about friendship at all! I believe we should honor and cherish relationships, which includes nurturing those relationships we love the most. I regret the years I was to “busy” to chase Diana down and spend time with her. I know I will step on a few toes here, but the older I get the more I realize who I value most in my life, and I do not want a funeral to be the next time I see someone who has meaning in my life. Having Diana back in my life has made me realize how I want to start honoring and nurturing relationships that mean most to me.

I am very sore today. Much more that I thought I would be. It’s ok, I know it is temporary, but honestly, I did not expect to feel this much pain. I am going to take today slow, really slow. I will be getting back in the pool on Monday, then Wednesday, and Friday. In a few weeks it won’t be such a big event in my life, just part of my week. I believe this is a big corner I am turning in my journey to good health.

So my message to you all today, is to be brave. Take a chance on yourself. Go do something you fear doing even a little bit, that you know would be good for you. Don’t compare yourself to others. Get support from those who love you most. There are no words to say how good it feels, and you won’t believe the pay off. These are the giant steps in our lives that can make you achieve things you never imagined before!

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I broke my Plateau!

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Hooray! I finally broke my 3 week plateau. I can not tell you how big of a deal this is for me. I was beginning to doubt my ability to ever get to a healthy weight.

It is also day 6 of abstaining from snacking late at night, and in the middle of the night. Before I get too cocky about this, I want to remember how fragile the act of losing weight is. I have had waves of night eating on and off all my life. But This is working, and I will just keep repeating what is working for today, letting tomorrow work itself out as it comes. Looking too far ahead causes me to lose focus on today. There is a sweet spot to looking ahead. It’s important to have a visual of our dreams, yet stay focused on what is right in front of us at the moment.

I have another challenge this week, and it’s bringing me a lot of anxiety. On Friday I have committed to joining the Y, and getting in the pool and water walking. I am nervous about getting in a swim suit, but not as much as the anxiety of the process of getting in the pool. I have been there before, several years ago when I had some fitness people from the Y graciously work with me one on one for a while. It did not end well, and I hold myself responsible for my lacks of staying committed. We will talk about that at a later date.

Thank God for second chances. I am anxious about walking from my Tahoe to the building, then way back into the bowels of the building to the pool. I have 2 choices here, I can whine about how stupid it is that people who are disabled (temporally) have to walk up a long sidewalk to get to the front door, then walk way to the back of the building to get in the pool, to better themselves. That would be the victim role I would take. OR, I can suck it up, trust God, lean on my friend Diane who is going with me, and take a leap of faith. I choose plan B. Because the pay off is huge! Whining is counter productive.

After losing 128 pounds at age 58, my skin is getting pretty loose, and my muscle tone is not very good from the lethargic life I have led the last 10 years or so. I am a bit ashamed at how I have treated and abused the beautiful, functional, body God has blessed me with. My body deserved more respect than I have given it. I am grateful for the grace God has given me in-spite of my irresponsibility. I am committed to honor this gift the rest of my living days.

I have spent years in the beauty business. Cutting hair and fixing people up to look their best. All while I let myself deteriorate. It’s kind of an oxymoron. And as I packed on the pounds it got harder and harder to do my job. Not just  physically standing there, but emotionally. It was hard to really care how long someone’s bangs are or hear people ramble on about their split ends, when I was abusing myself so badly. It seemed so much easier to take care of everyone else, including my dog, much more than myself. And it all caught up with me. Soon, I lost my ability to take care of anyone let alone myself. So I just shut down, thinking my life had no purpose, value or future.

I have learned it is not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s not selfish to love who you are and see the potential you have, and believe there is something great ahead.il_570xN.818951311_7vjd It is bad if you are doing that at the cost of others or you think you are better than anyone else. But that was not my case, I simply saw myself always at the back of the line, or sometimes, not even in the line.

Today is so different. And to be honest, it is less selfish to take care of myself. I have much to offer, and not using the gifts God has given me to share with the world is selfish. We all carry a special gift, individual to all of us. It is meant to be shared. if we do not take care of ourselves, we are robbing ourselves and the world of something that only you can give. Blessings everyone!

Happy Valentines Day!

 

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I love Valentines Day! When I had a beauty shop, I would make a kissing Booth out of the front desk, with crepe paper streamers and Valentine Hearts.My Mom loved Valentines Day, she always gave me a gift, and made a fuss. I miss that so much. But I am so grateful for the memories, and I still feel the love, even though she has passed away.

I got a secret Valentine today. I actually have a good clue who it is from. A close friend who has remembered me on this day for years and years. It means so much to me.

I was holding my breath today, wondering if he was going to remember. I would be OK if he had not. I do not need the validation to realize I am cared about. But I really love getting Valentines.

Today I am my own Valentine. I am going to honor myself today by staying on track with my food, and keeping up my progress. Who knows maybe next Valentines Day I will have someone special in my life. But that is not my motivation for self-care, like it use to be. I know my life has a purpose, and getting healthy will enable me to execute that purpose. My paradigm  has shifted greatly. I no longer need outside validation. I know I am valued and loved at any size.

I have had 4 nights in row without sneaking out into the kitchen for a snack. I use to track my snacks on the next day on MFP. It has been nice to wake up with a clean slate. There is a confidence that grows from keeping your word to yourself. I know this is still the honeymoon phase of this new challenge, and I do not dare look too far ahead or get over-confident. losing weight and combating food challenges is a fragile thing. But I am grateful for 4 days.

Hope your Valentines Day is special!

 

Victim or Victor?

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I spent a lot of time and money, seeing therapist, and reading self help books. All have been very helpful. I believe it is important to understand what makes us the way we are. I have pretty much figured out why I over eat. Some was from my childhood, some from my environment, and maybe a little bit genetic.

I believe some of these things triggered a craving deep in side of me that drove me to food. I have exhausted my efforts to understand that craving, and what deep psychological issues I need to feel, or deal with to make the craving disappear. I once believed that if I found the “issue” then somehow my cravings would magically disappear. But that’s not how it works.

Yes, you do need to understand the time ,experience or person that caused you to run to food, or whatever your vice may be. And I believe part of my success is due to that understanding.  But, there was a time, I came to realize my over eating was no longer 100% due to a repressed feeling I was having at that moment. I am no longer a victim of my past experiences, I can become victorious. It is my choice.

 “There is a reason why I have become this way
but that is not the reason I stay this way.”

My reaction to whatever it was that drove me to food, because a habit. A deep, deep habit that was locked tight. I have been struggling with eating at night. I am determined to work through this. I believe my eating at night at the very beginning was from a deep loneliness that would hit me in the middle of the night, so I ate to fill in that empty place in my heart. 375761256-f25e7dc6c1424e773405ade56d74c514But I do not believe what triggered my eating at night today, is due to the loneliness I feel. I am single, and yes, I do get lonely at night sometimes. But I think after years of reacting to that loneliness with eating in the middle of the night has become a knee jerk reaction to, just, night time. I no longer am triggered to eat from loneliness, it has just become a habit.

For me, I focused so much on the issues, that I forgot I had developed a bad habit from the issues. Even if I am in a house full of people, night time triggers my craving much more that loneliness. Because even when I have house guests, and when I was married, I still had the cravings in the middle of the night.

Most bad habits have to be exchanged for a good habit. I have been putting a hamper in front of the doorway to the kitchen from my bedroom, so I will kind of break that fog in my head in the middle of the night. I also have a friend who struggles with the same thing, that is my accountability partner. We text at night before bed, and tell each other we are going to bed and the obstacle of our choice, mine being a hamper is in the doorway. Also, we have a pact, that when we think of eating something, we will pray for each other instead.

I have had 2 abstinent nights. My friend is having success too. I will be accountable to all who read this as well. I usually posted my night time eating on MFP for the next day, but I was not always honest about the amounts. How do you count spoons full of cottage cheese eaten while standing in front of the fridge. I know there were many nights I ate way more than I honestly fessed up to. I was lying to myself about this for a long time. I believe and rationalized my behavior. Keeping my secret to myself. But if I expect people to be honest with me, I need to be honest as well. But most of all I have to be honest with me.

Victim or Victor, which one will you be?

Blessings Everyone!

 

 

HOPE

 

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Full Definition of hope HOPE
hoped hop·ing
intransitive verb
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
2: archaic : trust
transitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust
hop·er noun
hope against hope: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

I have been on a 2 week plateau. I stepped on the scale this morning, and I am still stuck! Oh I have not given up hope. I’ve been down this road before. It’s just frustrating, because sometimes no matter what, things don’t always go the way we want it to.

What does no good is to sit and whine, and blame every list of excuses most people do when they are on a plateau. Some are legitimate excuses, but some are simply excuses. I have talked to so many people who ramble on and on about why the scale does not move, yet they remain a victim to their circumstances. Wanting change, without changing. And refusing to fes up to the fact that they may be eating too much, or becoming a bit sloppy when their food plan. Why is it so hard to own it? Swallow that pride and admit you need to change something.

The time most people give up and throw in the towel is usually after or during a plateau. And it’s not a black and white decision. It’s usually done with one extra snack, one indulgent meal, then day, then weeks, and then you avoid the scale so you won’t see the damage you have allowed to happen.

I have hope I will see results on the scale very soon. Why? Because I will not play the blame game, or roll over and be the victim. I can’t afford to do that, because that is death for me. I am cinching up my food choices, shaking things up a bit, increase my water intake, and hang onto that hope. quotes-hope-01-samuel-johnson-600x411

I really struggle with night time eating. I always have, even when I was a child living with my parents. I use to quietly sneak into the kitchen late at night and eat. I can still hear my Mother calling my name from her bedroom in the middle of the night when I would do this. I am guessing this is a combination of a bad habit, and a hungry heart, that I am trying to fill with food.

The shame I feel from this is sometimes more than I can bear. Even as I type this, my eyes are filling with tears. It is humiliating to share this, but hiding in shame is so much worse. I want to be a hero, and straight shoot this weight loss. But I am human. Once we tell our secrets, and free ourselves from the guilt and shame, then these are the healing, life changing moments that turn hope into reality.

I usually track my binges for the next day on MFP, I honestly do track every morsel I eat, but I do not think I am always honest with my portions. And I want to change that deep drive I have to eat in the middle of the night. It’s not belly hunger that I struggle with, it’s that dark lonely time in the night that reminds me that I am alone. Then my head fill with crazy resentments of people or things in my past. That seems to trigger a deep drive to eat.

I am working through those resentments with the help of my sponsor in my OA 12 step program. I believe those resentments are a huge part of my self destruction. It really does not take much to get off track, and honestly, it does not help that currently I am not physically active. But I won’t let that stop me. This week I am going to watch my food closer, track more accurately, reach out to others when I feel a struggle coming on, and hang on to the HOPE that my life really is going to change.

Some people seem to be able to get on the wagon and stay on track perfectly. I am in awe of this. But just because I have a few bumps in the road, does not mean I am a failure. One hundred and twenty five pounds in 10 months is far from faliour. Everyone has bumps, just different bumps. Success is measured by progress, not by our struggles.

I can feel empathy for anyone who honestly struggles, but I have no patients for those who are lying about want they are eating or are in denial. But those people, are the biggest teachers in my life. Because I do not want to be like that. I find dishonesty repulsive and counter productive. I will trade in humility and shame any day for being a lier.

So hang in with me, and next Tuesday when I step on the scale, you can cheer along with me in the fact that our hopes are the road to victory!

Super Bowl Sunday

 

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Today is a gigantic food day for this country. I’m not a football fan so I will be staying home and watch Downton UnknownAbby. My family was not football watchers, other than rooting on our beloved Nebraska Corn Huskers. That was more about home state pride than the actual game of football. So I did not really grow up with it like some of you might have.

Lots of food being eaten today. I like football party food, I like all food,   but even if I was at a party I probably wouldn’t be too tempted to over eat. Maybe a little, but nothing like the struggle I have had alone in my house. My obesity is not because of the food I have eaten at parties, or gatherings. I am a secret closet eater. I always was. In fact, I would go to parties, eat like a bird, and then go binge afterwards. I am not proud of that. It just is my pattern.

Food has always been my companion, or my surrogate soulmate. It has always been a substitute for that emptiness deep inside of me. Isolation is what got me here. And at first, it was isolation by choice. I could not wait to get home, cook a bunch of food, and eat my way into oblivion in front of the TV. But after I got deep into my addiction to food, I had locked myself physically into isolation, with no way out.  I created a world of self destruction alone, all by myself. I became a prisoner in my own home.

I love people, I long to be with people, but I also fight the urger to isolate. Even though I am not abusing my body anymore with food, I still struggle to free myself from isolation. I don’t know if it’s just a habit, or fear, probably a little of both. Honestly, that is the hurdle I am struggling to jump over these days. I do get out more these days. But still struggle to go out very often. And I do not fully understand it. I hate it when people tell me, to just go out. Go visit a friend or shop. I actually get angry about it. I suppose because I feel misunderstood. Getting ready, and going anywhere takes time for me. showers are still a lot of work. dressing is even more. It’s much better these days. Much, MUCH better. But still not something I can do spontaneously. I am taking baby steps, but it will take some time.

Once I do get out, I am almost giddy when I get to be with people. I am so happy to be climbing out of this life of isolation. I am looking forward to working again this year, and having a social life again. I have a new appreciation for the simple things in life that many take for granted.

I believe in the near future this change will increase. Spring will make a world of difference. I am ready to push myself out of my comfort zone to get back in to living again.

Another 6-8 weeks and it will be Spring. I have a feeling this will be the best Spring ever! Blessings everyone!

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Cabin fever

 

 

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I have cabin fever. I have not seen a human since last Friday. I’m OK, really, I’m kind of use to being alone a lot. I am looking forward to spring so I can get out, work again, and see people everyday. I am so ready to be productive again and make a good living. I’m a bit ashamed to say that for the last several years, after all my savings were depleted, I have been living off disability. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for it. But I, no way plan on living on disability the rest of my life. I have to be productive. It is very important for my self esteem and confidence. I am grateful I have been able to sew these little felt baby shoes to make ends meet, and for those of you who have graciously purchased them. I’ve also humbly, hade a few generous gifts from some dear people that have seemed to come when my needs were at their greatest. Thank you for listening to God’s whisper in your ear. I was truly in need. It’s important for me to say, publically, that I will be paying it forward the rest of my living days. It’s amazing how receiving help in the neediest time in my life, will in turn make me a better giver.

So, I have been spending the last several days reading mostly Brennan Manning’s writings. I am so glad I ran into his books. 1a25c401f57ef2d4b6ff515e84028df7 I am also watching a lot of Netflix. I am sure like everyone else in the mid-west that got hit with this Blizzard. Have you guys watched Heartland on Netflix?  Oh my Heck! (as my friend Stephanie would say) It is so good! There are 9 seasons, and 6 of them are on Netflix. It is the longest running show in Canada.

(taken from Wikipedia)

Heartland is a Canadian family drama television series which debuted on CBC on October 14, 2007.

The series is based on the Heartland book series by Lauren Brooke. The TV series changes the setting from Virginia, USA (in the original novels) to the small fictional town of Hudson, Alberta located in the foothills of the Alberta Rockies. Heartland_620x296_MediaCentre-thumb-620xauto-379864Heartland follows sisters Amy and Lou Fleming, their grandfather Jack Bartlett, and Heartland’s primary ranch hand, Ty Borden, through the highs and lows of life on a horse ranch in cattle country. The story details how, although Amy and Lou’s mother was killed in a car accident, the family continues to keep her dream alive by healing abused and neglected horses at Heartland. Amy (Amber Marshall) faces adversity, but she overcomes every obstacle that stands in front of her.

Don’t judge it by the first show, which was there pilot. It was kinda cheesy like those Hallmark movies without the continuous annoying music in the background. But it gained in popularity the acting got better, and the budget got bigger so the show got better. Heartland not only has some pretty good actors, they can also really ride a horse, rope, jump and barrel race. Unless the editing is spectacular, I think it’s the actors doing all the stunts. It has adventure, romance, mystery, and action. And, lots and lots of horses, in the most beautiful country scenery you could possibly imagine. There is no vulgarity or anything that you could not watch as a family. A pretty rare things these days. The integrity of the show is very evident.

I have not been eating my way through this isolation and blizzard, which is what I use to do. And I have not gone out of my mind either. eric_cabin_fever_jackThere is a peace and contentment I have experienced lately. It’s feels like a relief to not have that monkey on my back. There is by no means a cure, or arrival. But a calming peace. I’m not saying my struggles are over by a long shot. I am  fragile, and only one cheese burger away from a binge. I believe it’s that fragility that keeps us close to God. I have made it great importance to not step over the line, not ever for “just now”, because there are “just now’s” all around us. Keep warm everyone!

Snow Day

 

The view from my back yard

The view from my back yard

We are getting hit by a giant blizzard here in Nebraska. There is 11 inches of snow on the ground, which is really not that big of a deal, but combine that with 45 MPH winds, It had basically shut down the whole community. When the weather channel is doing remotes in your town, you know its a bad snowstorm.

I use to love a good blizzard. It meant staying inside, all day in your jammies, watching movies all day, and eating whatever I wanted. There seems to be this unspoken rule some of us have, that if you are snowed in, eating anything and as much of it as you want was OK. Well not any more!

This is probably the first time ever in my life that I have been snowed in and not eating my way to a frenzy. It feels good. I have to admit I thought about taking a “day off” today. But instead of just acting on my impulse, I thought of how much damage it would do to my progress. Really, what’s the point? There is not much payoff in over eating. I feel sick and guilty afterwards. And it brings so much self doubt as to if I can really stay on this and get to a heathy weight.

A huge victory for me is that I put sox on today when my feet got cold. It is humbling to admit, but at 537 pounds, I lived with cold feet, unless I was under the covers. There are things that I am getting back that the normal weight person takes for granted.

I know this sounds weird to say, but I am grateful for being over 500 pounds at one time. The simple things I am grateful for, and the self awarenesses have been earth shattering. I do not believe God cursed me with being over weight, but I do believe he has used this season of my life to sit still and listen to Him.

When you can’t even roll over in bed very well, the only thing you can do it listen. I have had to dig deep to find my self worth at my highest weight. You see, until I realized I was worth saving, and that my Abba Father (some believe this is the word for Daddy, I like to think it is) loves me, I did not believe I was worth saving. This puts getting healthy into a whole new perspective. It is no longer about food choices, and recipes, it is about seeing your value, if you are lovable, and your ability to be productive. But most of all, I was created for a purpose.

So tonight as I sit on my bed, writing this blog, with my warm sox on, and the snow and wind blowing around my toasty little house, I am so grateful that I no longer need to shove food down that empty hole in my soul. I feel complete, and I know I am loved and my life has purpose, it has to, because I am still here.

Only until I realized this, did I believe I was worth saving.