Learning to Lean




Some things in life are impossible to avoid. To get past them, we have to go through them. I have spent a lot of my life trying to find ways to avoid or shortcut my way through the hard things in life, like losing weight. But often, it’s the process of going through it, that is the exact thing we need to experience to continue on.

I think of our struggles, be it, grief, goals, or anything tough, is like a giant wall of ice in the middle of the road. There is no way to climb over it, go around it, or under it. We can’t push it away, no one can come along and remove it for us, we have to lean into it, and slowly melt it away, until we get to the other side. The whole melting process prepares us for what is on the other side. It must be experienced.

Throughout periods of my life I have leaned into that wall. Sometimes getting half way through, then giving up too soon. Sometimes I got so far that there was only a thin layer left to break through, but I quit too soon. Once I broke through that wall, but spent all my time wallowing in the puddle before me and didn’t have the courage to walk away. I failed to see the glorious life ahead. Maybe I didn’t believe I was worth a good life. Or just scared of something new.

Right now, I am in the leaning process, and starting to see a big dent. I have learned so much going through this the hard way, with no short cuts. Short cuts have a price to pay. There are usually repercussions whenever we take the easy road. We don’t get to gather the tools needed to carry on. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

Have a great weekend everyone!




131 pounds Down!


I was so happy to step on the scale this morning and see another 2 pounds gone. That’s a total of 131 lost. It’s hard to believe sometimes that I am actually having success at this. I have failed so many times. But I have all the confidence in the world that I will achieve my goal.

I think the swimming is helping me get to a new level. It never ceases to amaze me how bravely pushing past your fears produces so much progress. I was really scared of going to the Y. I was putting it off for quite a while. I am grateful for my friend Diana who gently nudged me. I know I would have never gone alone. Friends are priceless, take care of them!

I got a friendly email from an employee at the Y who I am guessing is assigned to me. I joined the Y using a 4 month promotion that was a good price. I am assuming it’s purpose, aside from keeping people committed during the months many people drop out, is to get fit for Summer.

The trainer, whom I have never met face to face, emailed me inquiring my long term goals. Now, how was I going to explain that? Even though my life is pretty much an open book, It felt a little personal to spill it all to a total stranger on an email. I kind of felt sorry for him, what was he going to do with that information? I told him I wanted to lose over 300 pounds! I doubt I will be achieving that goal in the next 4 months. I wish there were more experts on losing weight when you are morbidly obese. The world just does not know what to do with us. There seems to be a lot of us. Maybe I just think so because I get a lot of messages from people who have a lot of weight to lose and desperately want help. I appreciated his efforts to offer support.

That is the very thing that drew me to Richard Simmons years ago. He treated the morbidly obese so kind. So many of us don’t get treated special, many times during my life of isolation I was not hugged or touched for months. Humans need to be touched. Hugs are healing. I am grateful I happen to have a lot of loving friends who greet me with a hug, and hug me when they say good-bye. I am looking forward to the day I can really feel someones arms around me, not just my neck.

I am currently 406 pounds. I am soon to be in the 300’s. If some of you weighed that, you might jump off the roof of your house! But for me it is progress and monumental. The cumbersome feeling of being in the 400s, and the shame involved in weighing that much, will soon be behind me. I will never forget what my life was like in the 400’s and 500’s. I want to remain thankful with every pound lost. And I will forever respect anyone who has experienced this life and surviving it. My forever purpose will be to give hope to the hopeless.

Be blessed everyone!