Loneliness vs being alone

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I woke up this morning feeling deep loneliness. My head could not get out of the fog I was in. The weird thing is, It is Sunday, and I was planning to go to church. But my loneliness was stoping me from going there. It makes no sense to most people. But I would be willing to bet, there are a few of you who understand this. Being with people does not combat loneliness. In fact, all the small talk and pretending to be happy makes it worse. I fear ending up feeling more isolated. Loneliness with people is the worst kind of loneliness there is. Yet, I wish I had gone. I know I would have benefited. Even though I was lonely, being with people is a good way to get out of your own head.

There was a time when if I felt like this, I would go into my kitchen and have a food frenzy. Then after I ate myself silly, I would have passed out in a coma, and slept until it was time to eat again, and repeat the same process over and over. That is how a person gets to weigh over 500 pounds. Had I done that, I would not have had this crying spell, I would not have questioned God’s love for me, or my ability to be lovable. I would not have felt a thing. Shoving down all that food helped me to avoid all of that. But loneliness recycles itself. So unless you feel it deeply, it is never resolved.  It just stays there and surfaces when you least expect it.

There is a big difference between loneliness, and being alone. Loneliness can be felt when everyone you love is all around you. It’s a longing to feel connected and worth while. But most of all it is a disconnection to God and your authentic self. I can survive abandonment from my friends and family, but when you don’t feel God’s presents and you question who you truly are, and your ability to be love;  it is the deepest form of loneliness.

I am alone a lot. I am alone 95% of my life. I actually like some alone time. When I feel God’s presents, and I know who I am in Him, I don’t need people around me. But when I choose to be with people, I do not feel resentments or jealousy, I can love fully without being needy.  I am much closer to that place than I have ever been in my life. This is a process, and I do not always pass through it perfectly. But the good thing is, I AM passing through it, instead of using food, anger, jealously, greed, and resentment to shove it all back down. As much as I wish, this is a painful process, and there is no avoiding it.

I am grateful for my struggles, I am grateful I feel loneliness this morning. I am grateful for having to dig deep to find that beautiful child of God I was created to become.  Because ALWAYS, when I let myself feel this stuff, it passes, and I get a moment of pure contentment. I feel a surrender, and a relaxed peace floods my soul.

This beats being so desperate to avoid feeling anything or questioning my value to the point I was destroying my body with food, and resentments, and hopelessness. I am so grateful for the self awareness I have today, and the deep faith that has surfaced through my messy life. I am grateful I have not lived a life if mediocrity, even though some of my struggles have been difficult, I feel joy and contentment that I would never have experienced otherwise. I also look forward to a beautiful productive life, that brings satisfaction instead of a constant yearning.

Thank you all for reading and hanging in there with me through this journey. It has not always been pretty, or comfortable, but I have always been real with you. I feel your support daily, and your messages leave me feeling less alone. Blessings!

Normal is just a Setting on your Dryer

I’m feeling like this week I made some steps towards living a normal life.451321 Whatever normal is. Years ago Patsey Claremont wrote a book entitled “Normal is just a Setting on your Dryer” and I am incline to agree. I guess I would say this week was some steps to “my normal”.

I had to get my iPhone fixed, and instead of being a victim and find someone to take care of it for me, I took the initiative myself. After being on the phone twice over an hour with Apple, I made the arrangements to get my phone sent in and a new one to replace it. All under warranty. So this created a chain of events, waiting for the Fed Ex truck to arrive so I could sign. Taking my new phone to the Verizon store so I could get the info transferred. This took a good hour and a half in the store. Then driving to the Fed Ex place to send off my old phone. I was delighted to see this morning Apple had already placed the deposit back into my account. I was amazed!

But the beauty is, I am living again, and taking care of myself! The confidence that is restored each and every time I become my own hero, is really satisfying.

Wednesday my friend Diana came over and worked in the hot sun to get my back yard cleaned up. I wish I could have been better help, but I stayed in the back yard and broke up a  few twigs and kept her company. It had been a few years since I spent any time in my back yard. I have a shed that I have not even looked into in at least 10 years. I know it does not sound like much to most of you but these are big strides for me.

I have also finished my courses to become a Certified Life Coach! I am now able to add a few letters to my name. Coach Kathleen Miles CPC, boy does that feel good! I am also about to receive my Associates Degree from WIT. I complain a lot about how modern technology has created a less personal society. But it has enabled me to educate myself through internet classes, and telecommunication classes to achieve these things. So I guess during the time I checked out on life and was in my “Fat Coma” I did make some progress in my life.

I am currently open for business to do weight loss coaching. I am so excited to be able to help others regain their health, such as I. My prayer is to be able to coach anyone who wants to lose weight. including the morbidly obese, who seem to get lost in the shuffle of all the weight loss help out there. My long term goal is to teach the health care workers how to coach the morbidly obese. We are living longer these days but the obese are not living better, so many are simply existing. We deserve better.

I got some really beautiful produce from my local Hy Vee Grocery store yesterday. It was so beautiful I took a picture of it. My friend Pat helped me washed it and put in the fridge right away so I will have access to it immediately. IMG_0059I spent about $7 on a couple of pounds of green grapes and a very large box of the sweetest strawberries I have had in a long time. All this produce for less than a Pizza, or fast food. I never feel guilty spending money on good produce.

I will go to church tomorrow. I am committed to being open minded, and not critical. I think I get this way when I get frustrated with my body and the pain it is to get myself anywhere in a world created for skinny people. I am not very proud of those time I turn my frustration and shame into defense, and criticisms. I have a lot of apologies to make to the people around me who I spewed my frustrations to. God has been so merciful through it all. I have acted like a spoiled whiny child having a tantrum and he seems to gently love me through it all. God’s grace is something I will never truly understand, but I accept it gratefully.

The Grouch

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I have been a terrible grouch lately. A lot of it has been internal in my thoughts. But I have been a little snarky on Facebook. I do not like this part of me. I do not like admitting it, but until I recognize it, I can’t change it. And I want to change this.

It seems to me that whenever I am mostly challenged physically I have a tendency to blame someone else. I think I have done this all my life, but since I have been working the 12 steps to recovery, I have owned a lot of character flaws I have been in denial of for a very long time. I’m finding out I don’t know myself as well as I thought.

I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting. I loved so much of it. But I hated how it took a lot of physical effort to get there. I was really struggling with the folding chairs we had to sit on. In my head, I got angry at whoever was responsible for purchasing the chairs and not thinking of the comfort of a fat person. (Sounds so ridiculous to me now) But at the same time, had anyone thoughtfully tried to provide a more comfortable chair, I would have been terrible embarrassed and even more grouchy. I’m going back, I know every week will get better as I lose more weight. I need to get back into society, and this is a great start.

It’s been more than I expected, trying to get back into society. Much more! I feel like I have been in a coma for 10-15 years and suddenly woke up. Social norms have changed greatly, and technology has been a big contributor to that. People are not as warm and friendly as they were 10-15 years ago. It’s not due to a decline in the morality so much, but due to the fact that people do not have to communicate like we use to. You do not use eye contact, and develop a likable personality to communicate with technoligy. For a fat girl, we developed these things in our character in order to become likable. We can’t count on our looks to get by.  I have noticed less eye contact, and manors have greatly declined. It’s not intentional rudeness, it’s just a lack of manors. Years ago I use to make fun of small towns,  when you met a farmer on the gravel road he waved no matter if he knew you or not. I now feel like the farmer.

I often feel like the Elephant Man every time I walk into a room of strangers. I can be so self conscious that I think everyone is focused on how big I am. But I don’t think that is the case as much as, people really don’t care. People seem to have less interest in each other, at least face to face. Plus there is a lot more fat people and diversity these days.

I went to church last Sunday too. That was really tough. The way my church has change was incredible. I was so angry, but actually I was grieving, and it manifested itself as anger. The refuge, the soft place I believed would always be there has changed. It’s life, and I need to get use to change. It feels like my safety net has been torn away beneath me.

I am a thinker, and most people would not even notice these things. But I have always been analytical, which makes me hyper sensitive. I need to toughen up! I have to always fight the urge to crawl back in to my safe world. But it’s dark there, and it’s not really that safe, it’s just an illusion. All familiar things are not always safe. If I go back to where I was, I will surly die.

It’s so embarrassing to be this transparent. But living by your feelings often stops our growth. I stand on truth and faith these days. I am being stretched out of my comfort zone, and any time we stretch it hurts a little. I’m willing to go through a little humiliation and pain to gain to a healthy and happy life.

Instant Gratification

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I go on a lot of weight loss groups on Facebook. My favorite being the group I get to co-facilitate with my friends Sean and Gerri. But one that I read occasionally, a woman posted how she needed to lose 200 pounds and had lost 36 pounds and could not tell a difference. That can be terribly discouraging, I know because I have been there.

When I started this weight loss journey last April at 537 pounds it seemed like an impossible task. I lost the first 50 pretty quickly, but I could not tell a single difference visually or how I felt. If I was going to measure my success by how I looked or the compliments I got, I would have just given up.

In a world that spins itself on instant gratification, weight loss can really take every ounce of patience you may have. We complain if we have to wait over 3 minutes for our fast food at the drive through. Our computers get faster and faster. We use to use film to take pictures and have to take it in and wait for a few days to get our pictures back. Now we see them instantly, the moment we take them. I grew up before microwaves were invented, so even left overs had to be heated in the oven or in a pan on the stove. Houses are built in weeks and months instead of years. No more pounding each nail in one at a time with a hammer. Think about it! We wait for nothing.

I believe this is a contributor to the obesity epidemic these days. No one is use to taking the time to get what is truly valuable. We want pills, or surgeries that will solve the problem quick. Weight loss surgery was not an option I wanted to take, but those who have will tell you it’s no short cut or easy way to lose weight.

But when we take the time to do something right, and patiently work through it, well, that is when the true miracles happen.  Michelangelo began work on the ceiling in July 1508. The completed frescoes were unveiled in October 1512. he worked everyday sun up until sun down for 4 years on the creation painting. that takes true commitment and perseverance.

I am finally under 400 pounds, I now weigh 393. It seems like it will take forever. Even though I am losing at a pretty good pace. But this will change my life completely. I will be self sufficient once again, and really live my life again. I am so grateful for a second chance at living. I am grateful I did not try to take a short cut and add more stress on my already abused body. But losing this amount of weight is not for weenies. It takes a complete turn around in your perspective of food, and believing in something that seems totally impossible. And honestly, had I not bottomed out, I do not think I could have done this. I had to be so miserable that the ONLY way out was to quit eating so much or simply die. I did not have a husband, friend or family members that kept me from becoming desperate to lose weight because I could only depend on myself. No safety net here. I had to hit bottom and bounce around down there all alone in the darkness before I came to my senses.

But once you get going, and get a rhythm going, it becomes clear, and you never want to go back. I think I had to get some distance from my desperation to really see how bad of shape I was really in. I was bouncing around the bottom so hard I really did not see how close to death I was. But you don’t have to do it alone. it’s amazing how the support comes naturally as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We have only a few spots left in our weight loss group. The cost is $120 for an 8 week season. That breaks down to about $15 a week. I easily ate 2 maybe 3 times that a week in fast food alone. Here is the info if you are interested, and a recording of part of our free seminar we held last Wednesday. Take care everyone!

Just click on the link

DontDietLiveIt

Don’t Diet weight loss group with Sean, Gerri and Kathleen    <——- click on the link to sign up

 

Recording of our free conference call, Sean, Gerri and Kathleen’s stories, plus testimonials from members.

Just click the above link to hear the conference call.