I woke up this morning feeling deep loneliness. My head could not get out of the fog I was in. The weird thing is, It is Sunday, and I was planning to go to church. But my loneliness was stoping me from going there. It makes no sense to most people. But I would be willing to bet, there are a few of you who understand this. Being with people does not combat loneliness. In fact, all the small talk and pretending to be happy makes it worse. I fear ending up feeling more isolated. Loneliness with people is the worst kind of loneliness there is. Yet, I wish I had gone. I know I would have benefited. Even though I was lonely, being with people is a good way to get out of your own head.
There was a time when if I felt like this, I would go into my kitchen and have a food frenzy. Then after I ate myself silly, I would have passed out in a coma, and slept until it was time to eat again, and repeat the same process over and over. That is how a person gets to weigh over 500 pounds. Had I done that, I would not have had this crying spell, I would not have questioned God’s love for me, or my ability to be lovable. I would not have felt a thing. Shoving down all that food helped me to avoid all of that. But loneliness recycles itself. So unless you feel it deeply, it is never resolved. It just stays there and surfaces when you least expect it.
There is a big difference between loneliness, and being alone. Loneliness can be felt when everyone you love is all around you. It’s a longing to feel connected and worth while. But most of all it is a disconnection to God and your authentic self. I can survive abandonment from my friends and family, but when you don’t feel God’s presents and you question who you truly are, and your ability to be love; it is the deepest form of loneliness.
I am alone a lot. I am alone 95% of my life. I actually like some alone time. When I feel God’s presents, and I know who I am in Him, I don’t need people around me. But when I choose to be with people, I do not feel resentments or jealousy, I can love fully without being needy. I am much closer to that place than I have ever been in my life. This is a process, and I do not always pass through it perfectly. But the good thing is, I AM passing through it, instead of using food, anger, jealously, greed, and resentment to shove it all back down. As much as I wish, this is a painful process, and there is no avoiding it.
I am grateful for my struggles, I am grateful I feel loneliness this morning. I am grateful for having to dig deep to find that beautiful child of God I was created to become. Because ALWAYS, when I let myself feel this stuff, it passes, and I get a moment of pure contentment. I feel a surrender, and a relaxed peace floods my soul.
This beats being so desperate to avoid feeling anything or questioning my value to the point I was destroying my body with food, and resentments, and hopelessness. I am so grateful for the self awareness I have today, and the deep faith that has surfaced through my messy life. I am grateful I have not lived a life if mediocrity, even though some of my struggles have been difficult, I feel joy and contentment that I would never have experienced otherwise. I also look forward to a beautiful productive life, that brings satisfaction instead of a constant yearning.
Thank you all for reading and hanging in there with me through this journey. It has not always been pretty, or comfortable, but I have always been real with you. I feel your support daily, and your messages leave me feeling less alone. Blessings!