I have been trying to figure a way to get this scale to move! I know a lot is due to my lack of portion control. I wouldn’t eat a chocolate cake or order pizza if my life depended on it. Well, actually my life DOES depend on it. But I am pretty sure a lot of my problem is all the carbs I am eating. I’m staying within my calorie budget most days. But more than 50% of my calories are carbs. I must get control of this. I could live on carbs alone, mostly grains. White flour! I have not made a decision yet, nor have I spoke in detail about this with my sponsor, but I must do that this week.
I remember years ago reading that the best way to find out if you are an alcoholic is to just stop drinking for a period of time. If the thought of never having another drink, or finding yourself white knuckling it when you do try to stop, you might have a problem.
I am a food addict, no doubt about that. Giving up sugar was easy. The thought of never eating cake again does not scare me. I can live forever without another candy bar. But the thought of giving up pasta and bread forever almost makes me want to cry. This alone is a pretty good sign that I need to get a handle on my trigger food. Namely white flour. I am not so sure about whole wheat, and other grains, I have a tendency to go overboard on substitutes. So I may have to put some boundaries on all grains. I need to do some deep soul searching regarding this decision. I’ll keep you posted.
Another thing I need to address is exercise. It’s almost a comedy when I speak of my plans to go to the Y and sign up. I haven’t yet, and I have used every excuse known to man avoiding it. Yes it is expensive, yes, they want all financial paperwork and my first born child to see if I qualify for a discount based on my income. I have run out of excuses, I now have all the paper work needed, and Thanksgiving is over so I have no more excuses. I will get to the Y this week.
I don’t know why I hate exercise so much. I always have. The only thing I ever did consistently was those videos of Richard Simmons and walking at the mall. In order to increase my mobility and strengthen muscles that have not been in use for years will require some pain, sweat and moments of becoming breathless. It’s the breathless part that I hate the most. Just walking from my car to the front door of the Y is exhausting for me. I am extremely embarrassed about that. I feel so much shame when people see me struggling to breath just because I walked 40 or 50 feet. But I must, so I will. I pray I can meet someone or have a friend that will do this with me. It would make it so much better. I am so tired of doing every little thing in my life alone.
It has been a tough week. I think I have cried more this week than the entire year. Although I had two invitations to spend Thanksgiving with friends, I declined. I just didn’t want to deal with the food. And honestly, seeing others with their happy families and knowing I don’t have anyone that loves me like family makes it worse sometimes. How did I ever get in this situation? I’ll tell you how, one little bad choice after another, over time. How will I get out of this situation? One little good choice after another at a time.
I entertained the thought of just giving up this week. I was losing faith in myself. I wondered if I was just a dreamer to believe I could lose this much weight and become independent and self sufficient at my age once again. But what choice do I have? And wouldn’t it be a shame to stop now? These are the pivotal moments in our lives. Every great moment or big accomplishment at one point or another comes to this very crossroad.
So here I am, 155 pounds lost, and at least that many more pounds to go. I’m at that place when I am almost at the top of that mountain, but not high enough to see the view quite yet. Hang with me folks. It is still a bumpy ride, but I’m here for the long haul.