Keep living until you feel alive again!

 

 

A brilliant friend and fellow blogger of mine wrote a few days ago “Keep living until you feel alive again!”. Her name is Liz, and if you are not reading her blog  THE ALLEY WAY You should be! This “Lizism” rang true to me today.

I did not feel like doing living that will make me feel alive again. It was cold, raining, and I woke wishing I could just sleep the day away. I didn’t seem to have a purpose, and none seemed to care, so why should I? I planned on attending church, but didn’t want to drive there alone, to sit alone, in a crowd of people who either didn’t know who I was or cared. Sometimes going to church makes me feel more alone. I know that’s not the whole purpose, it’s about corporately praising God with fellow believers.

The last thing I wanted to do was call a friend and hear them try to cheer me up, suggest solutions to my mood, or fix me. Sometimes I just want to be heard and listened to. But human contact is what I needed most. I made a few text messages, and cooked a health breakfast. Then got dressed and put my shoes on. Even though I just wanted to wallow in self pity in my bed, I went to the local Hy Vee grocery store and had a cup of coffee in the coffee shop. It helped to see people, and got me outside of my own head.

When I got home, I made lunch. by that time I had kicked my shoes off, pulled off my bra, and was hanging out in the kitchen in my undies and a sweatshirt. Then, I heard my storm door open! Yikes! I ran to the bedroom, put on pants, and opened the front door, slowly. To my surprise it was a big huge GIANT bag of frozen chicken breasts from Sam’s. My friend Edie had been to Sam’s and dropped them off. I missed her call because I left my phone in the bedroom. Until I can start working again, and that is hopefully soon, I am on a budget. Those Chicken Breast are like gold to me. Protein is a pricy item for any dieter. ( I was making a bean tostada for lunch BTW, a good budget item) I want to thank God for my friend Edie. She blessed me today in a way I did not expect. She helped me with my food budget, but the greatest part was the act of love and support. A kiss from God on a day I needed it the most. Edie was the answer to my pray today and she didn’t even know it! I felt loved.

Honesty, denial, and truth

Those of us in denial hate to hear the word denial. Dishonest people have trouble seeing that they are lying. As a fat person, I would like to believe I am honest about how much I’m eating and not in denial of my self destructive habits. But that’s not always been true.

I have a close friend, I remember her saying long long ago, that it’s an often occurrence we can rationalize away any behaviour and honestly believe ourselves that it’s true.

Dishonesty is the hardest thing to see in myself. I am ashamed of that. I want to be a good, Godly woman who spreads joy and love everywhere I go.

I have come to the conclusion the only way to be that person and not rationalize and make excuses for the things in my life I hide in shame is through total, bare naked honesty.

There is a difference between over sharing, and raw honesty. In fact, those of us who over share are actually hiding something they feel ashamed of.

I have a friend Danita, who passed away a few years ago, she and I had some powerful conversations over the years. She was beyond GORGOUS, she had a twin sister who was equally as gorgeous. These girls are 2 of my best friends. I love them like sisters. Our parents were best friends. I was their fat friend, and sometimes felt like the ugly step sister when I was with them. I was the hairdresser, the nanny to their children and because I was always feeling what made me loveable was being nice and giving, because I was not attractive.  I saw these beautiful friends as shear perfection.

But Danita once told me she envied me! ME! She felt her whole value was in her beautiful looks. She wished she had the talent, personality and CONFIDENCE I had! CONFIDENCE?!  What? I was her friend who got the privilege to do her hair, help here take care of her biggest comotidy, her looks! I watched the guys turn their heads when she and her sister walked in the room. I have never in my life experienced that, yet I watched it hapen to them over and over.

What she saw was a good hearted friend, who could win folks over with her personality, quick wit and humor, loaded with creativity, and a loving very loyal friend. Things I never valued about myself.

This is going to sound aweful, and only a truly loving best friend could say this with the understanding I did…..but she said, if she was overweight, like me, she was afraid there would be nothing valuable about her. She always depended on her looks. I live my life, and have lots of close friends and talents, I did not depend on being beautiful to have value. Well that was her perspective, and the mask I wore.

Of course this was not true about her, and that conversation was when we were in our early 20s, things changed as we got older. Danita had many MANY skills and talents, it was her shame that caused her to believe here worthlessness. As she matured into an adult, she showed the world her many beautiful qualities. Sadly we lost her way too soon. I miss her so much.

My shame about all the binging and self abuse had me wrapped in worthlessness. I was living in denial, and rationalized away all the eating and isolating.

Things changed for me when I became completely honest with myself. I became accountable and I believe I have climbed to a new level just recently. I wish I could streight shoot this recovery thing. I would be at a healthy weight by now and my body would not stop me from having a beautiful active weekend with people on the outside. But I’m a slow learner. But it’s coming for me, it’s been a slow process, but every day gets more and more glorious!

 

 

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Get out of the station!

 

Another beautiful, cloudy, rainy 32 degree April day in Nebraska! I love my Nebraska, I love the change of seasons, but, come on Spring! I am really feeling like I have climbed to a new level. the amount of food I was eating and the cheating I did when I was 537 pounds Caught up with me. In spite of the fact that I was no longer eating like a 537 pound person, I was eating like a 374 pound person, and in denial about how much those BLT’s (bites, licks and taste) added up. My weight loss slowed down and trickled to a stop the last several months. I needed to ramp it up. Complete honesty, first with myself then a trusted friend is the catalyst that turned things around for me. The thing is, we must get past the believe that we are moral failures, gluttons, or lacking willpower. Because that false belief about ourself makes us hide in shame. We have a disease. Open up, tattle on yourself, target the problem, then find a change you can make To move forward. But this will not work without daily accountability. And then stay consistent. Once you get the train out of the station it gets easier. Have a great day everyone!

2 Days Down!

I am doing very well, I have had 2 days of abstinence from eating at night. I think this is due to my extra accountability, and not having even a planned snack after dinner. I close down the kitchen and don’t think about food until the next morning. It stops me from all those food thoughts and decisions. I don’t rationalize because it’s not an option. I’m praying for consistency.

I could never do this alone! EVER! My army of support is the game changer. Everyone who I know that has lasting success losing weight and keeping it off over time has built their army.

Today my lunch was fantastic! I had 2 tostadas, 1/2 cup fat free refried beans, with 2 tablespoons of shredded cheese, lettuce, red onion, salsa, 1/4 avocado, 2 teaspoons of lite sour cream, and some sliced radishes. It was 411 calories, and very filling. I make the pinto beans in the crock pot with a couple of packets of taco seasoning and mash them when soft. Then I freeze them in 1 cup containers. They are so much better than the canned ones and fat free.

Have a great day everyone!

Stuck!

I have not been posting much. I have not lost much weight in a while either. Currently I weight 374 pounds. So to make myself feel better about that I always declare that I have lost 163 pounds. I tell myself I don’t eat like I use to, and sometimes I blame water retention. But the fact is, I have not been perfectly on plan. I struggle eating at night. I rationalize it by saying the word “little” before describing how much of something I have had. The food I binge on at night are things like fat free cheese (30 calories) spoonful of low fat cottage cheese while standing in the door of the fridge (20-50 calories). I tell myself I’m doing good because I have not had pizza, or fast food, or chocolate cake in the last 2 years.  That unmeasured butter I smear on my toast, the pinch of shredded cheese I put in my mouth while I make a health salad all count just as much. And the days I weight in, I eat carelessly, because I do not have to weigh again for a week. I feel very shameful about this. Like Adam and Eve, I have been hiding due to my shame. I feel like I have let everyone down, including myself. I am not a moral failure, this is a disease and it needs to be treated like one. And all while I hear the clock ticking like a 40 year old childless single girl. I will be 60 this year, and obesity has ruled my entire life. But, before you all come running to my house to keep me from jumping off my roof, (which I couldn’t climb up to, in the first place)  let me tell you, I have not given up!

I will be posting more frequent and shorter posts. This blog is for accountability, not a place to brag on my suscess. You are going to get the good and the bad. Total honestly is the key to being free from the bondage of food. I had a totally abstinent day yesterday. First one in a while. To get through the night and not eat, I text 2 accountability text, and text another friend in the middle of the night. Is this extreme?  Yes it is!  My eating is extreme. So, it takes extreme measures to beat this. I’m sharpening the saw. Talk to you all tomorrow.