I stepped on the scale today, I had no loss. It’s been months since I’ve had any serious weight loss. I don’t post on here as often because I don’t know what to say. And I am ashamed. I am scared, and embarrassed. Im going to write more often in spite of my struggles. Because it’s real, and these are the times most bloggers stop writing then start to gain weight. But these are the times blogging is most useful. I will not give up!
It’s been a couple of years since I have eaten any of the things that a considered fattening foods. Things like pizza, cake, ice cream, candy, bagels, bread, or pastries. In fact, I am a model dieter 98% of the time.
If an employee was productive 98% of the time, they would be praise and get a raise. They would be considered a success and a valued employee. But losing weight is not like that. The 2% is keeping me from living the life I dream of.
When I started this journey, I dropped weight by just breathing. I cut out those highly caloric food, and the first 100 pounds fell off me. It was pretty easy, and I got all kinds of attention and pats on the back. I was a weight loss roll model. I estimated portions, licked the spoon, and tasted everything I cooked before I ate it. It did not make a difference, I lost anyway.
We are all different. I wish I could be like my friends who just made a decision to lose the weight, found a plan, stick to it, to the letter, and never looked back, having solid continuous weight loss. But I have noticed those blessed folks are few and very far between. Besides, they have struggles we may never know about. It’s best I never compare myself with anyone. We really don’t know what someone else deals with in there most secret moments.
I do not believe I have a medical excuse, that explains why I am not losing weight, I do not believe its water weight, or “Muscles weighing more than fat”, In order for me to continue losing weight, it is going to take extreme accuracy. The kind of accuracy I have often poked fun about others, as being ridiculous. I have said I do not want to be in bondage to tracking, weighing and measuring my food to the extreme. But in reality, I am in bondage to food when I don’t take care of the details that are important, like tracking and weighing everything. Once again, I eat my words.
It is so easy to clearly see the dishonesty with some else who is struggling to lose weight, yet be in complete denial of my own. I have seen people post a 100 calories serving of sweet potato fries in My Fitness Pal, yet show a picture of their food with a plate full of deep fried batter coated sweet potatoes that were clearly not 100 calories. Or something so covered in melted cheese you could not recognize it, and count it as one ounce of cheese. I only see this, because I have done and do similar things with my own food many many times over and over. And have been in such deep denial I could pass a lie detector test. I can rationalize almost anything. I hate this defect in my character. It makes me sick to expose something I am so ashamed of. When I see it in others, it only reminds me of my own dishonesty that I struggle with.
So I had a phone call with my accountability partner, AKA my sponsor. He is one of the few people who can help me look at my flaws in the face, and my screw ups, without judgement. I don’t feel like I am his project to fix, and he really listens to what I say when I pour my heart out. Then partners me toward the solution. What a gift.
But for me to solve a problem, requires someone to just hear me talk about it, so I can sort through it. I really have to think something through in order to change it. I wish I was one of those people who did what they were told without question or understanding. Maybe I have trust issues. It’s part of my personal process. Now, Im not talking about an extreme where I wallowed in it. I have done that and gotten very stuck, that is not what I am referring to. Sometimes wallowing in your own crap, is familiar, and warm, but it’s still crap. It’s best to get out as soon as you can.
I am an analytical person, I want to understand the situation first, before I jump in to fix it. I’m smart, I can usually figure it our or pull resources to get through something. But for me the biggest obstical is, to be bare naked honest with myself without feeling ashamed of my flaws. Ideas are not something I lack in. What I appreciate about my Sponsor is that he lets me share, then we figure out a solution together. It must take a lot of patients for him to listen to my description of what a special snowflake I think I am.
So here I am, spinning my wheels. I have been on the phone most of my morning, with the two most significant support people in my life. I must exhaust them. I exhaust me! I am committed to planning my food for the day the evening before, weighing and measuring every morsel, and writing. I also have committed to texting my friend in the middle of the night if I have the urge to eat. Night eating is something I have to be very aware and accountable for. Once I get started it is like a wild fire taking over.
I am a little bit sorry that I am not the kind of blogger, who rants on and on about my success, sharing past victories, to inspire my readers. Telling little antidotes about my previous struggles that I no longer have. Recovery for me, is messy. I am in the middle of a mud puddle up to my neck, and all I know how be is be real. I do not think I will ever be that person. I don’t think I want to be that person. I’m not someone who has an archive of mantras and slogans to share. I simply want to show you the path I am on, as transparent as I know how to be in search of good health and a happy life. Blessings to all!