Stupid Scale!!!!!

This week seems to be flying by. It is Thursday already. I didn’t want to tell this, but after being the most diligent I have ever been about my food and portions last week, I was up 3 pounds, pretty discouraging. But I don’t feel hopeless, just frustrated and discouraged. I know if I remain steady the scale will respond. I weight on Monday, I will let you all know either way.

I am still feeling a lot of anxiety about this big event I am going to over the week of the 4th. I pray I can gather up my dignity and just open up and have fun. I feel like such a failure. I don’t think I have ever fought so hard for a better future in my life. But you would never know that about me by looking at me. Lets be honest here, people always judge you by what you look like. When I am in this state of mind, it is so hard for me to make small talk. And parties are all about small talk. My life has been so serious and isolated for so long, I find it hard to lighten up. I am the very thing I hate to see in other people. But I am going to try. I really need to be with people.

I started an Overeaters Anonymous group at my local library. If you do not know about OA, it is a weight loss group that uses the tools of the 12 steps of recovery. It’s anonymous, and I’m not really suppose to to talk about it, I’m sure I’ll hear from the OA police if they read this. I have done everything I can think of to promote this group that is within the boundaries of the rules, yet no one has yet to attend. I have been going up to the library every Saturday at 11 AM for about 6 weeks now. I spread out all my pamphlets and prepare for a meeting, but no one comes. I’m not sure how to promote a meeting that you can’t talk about publicly. But if anyone wants to come I’ll be there. There are no scales, no fees, no diet, and it’s free.

Hope you all have a great weekend! Blessings!

Food Urges and Character flaws

I don’t know about you, but once I get a few days, and weeks under my belt, the food urges are still there but not as strong. But, they still come, and that is when I can fall into the “Stinkin Thinkin”. I can rationalize anything in my head, it is one of my biggest character flaws. I believe the lies I tell myself. And one of them is, telling myself I can eat a “little” something because I have been so good. Our food behaviors are neither good or bad. Overeating is not a moral issue. The shame the world has put on fat folks has created this lie. The things people say about fat people, if said about someone of a different race, or disabled would never be tolorated. It is one of the last discrimination category in existence. 
A little taste in the spirit of moderation can spin me out of control, or create such deep cravings that I simply can not resist. I use to fight the urges in silence, white knuckling it, and keeping my secret to binge to myself, because I saw myself as a flawed character. It’s a delicate line to cross, between seeing that I have a disease, vs seeing myself as a loathsome glutton.
There is the other side of the pendulum as well. The victim. Oh I played that card to the max! My life falling apart was the perfect excuse to become needy and manipulate what I wanted. That is something I am deeply ashamed of. It was fear driven, but none the less, it was wrong. No ones owes me anything, no matter how down and out I get. With being a victim comes a lot of whining.
I am still responsible for my actions, no matter what they are based on. There is a way out of this fat purgatory I am in, and only I hold the key.
When those strong urges come over me, I need to take positive action. I use to fight this fight alone, and when I failed, I would be super hard on myself and hide in shame. The action I now take instead are;
  • Being prepared, having healthy food available, and plan ahead, setting myself up for suscess
  • Be totally honest to God, myself and the people around me. Secrets will destroy you. If you are lying or creating a false facade, trust me, people will see right through it. Mistakes and failures have nothing to do with your integrity, but lying will destroy it all.
  • create an army of people to support you, not one, not two, but an army
  • take action when the tiniest struggle arises. Which includes, reaching out, stepping outside my tempting environment, writing, reading and praying
  • Stay humble, and not just on your terms, but completely unafraid for the world to see your flaws. It keeps you honest, and makes you trustworthy

When I do these things, that’s when the magic happens. Somehow, the urges lighten, and I make physical progress.

One huge piece of my army is the weight loss group I lead with Sean and Jordan. Between the 3 of us we have dropped over 700 pounds. What I love the most is the diversity. When in any other place in the world would a young father, a radio personality, and a retired widow find common ground? Yet these guys I consider close friends, and we totally connect on so many levels.

We are starting our new weight loss groups Monday and Tuesday, and it is not too late for you to join. This group is not a diet, we don’t require weigh ins. It’s cheaper than most weight loss groups across the country. We hold our group meeting on the phone, so you can participate from any place in the world. We have a secret Facebook page that is very active, we share our victories and struggles, with absolutely no judgement.  And boy do we have success stories! Membership is only $120 for the 8 week session. Below is the links to join. If you have any questions call or message me. 712-259-1736

Monday June 19th Group 7:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=monday-june-19th-group-600-pm-central

Monday June 19 One on One 8:00 to 9:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=monday-june-19-one-on-one-800-to-900-pm-eastern

Tuesday June 20 “Lunch with Kathy” 1:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=tuesday-june-20-lunch-with-kathy-100-pm-eastern

Tuesday June 20 “Early Bird” 5:50 to 6:50 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=tuesday-june-20-early-bird-550-to-650-pm-eastern

Tuesday June 20 Group 7:00 to 8:00 PM Eastern

http://totalkathy.com/?event=tuesday-june-20-group-700-to-800-pm-eastern

 

5 days and 5 nights

It has been 5 nights and 5 days of extreme accountability with my food. I do not think I have ever in my life tracked in such detail. If I look at doing all of this for the rest of my life it seems overwhelming. When I think of things like, the fancy smancy party I am attending over 4th of July week, and how I am going to weight and measure my food like I have this week, it makes my head whirl! And the cake! Oh my goodness! The cake will be the “piece de résistance” since the celebrated couple own one of the best bakeries this side of the Rocky Mountains.

Speaking of this Anniversary party. Have you ever looked so forward to something and at the same time terrified of it? I will be around people who I have not seen in 20 or 30 years. Some last saw me when I was on top. Some have seen the bottom, the pathetic broken and bitter side of me. They will all be attending wearing their most dapper attire, sharing pictures of their children and grandchildren. Telling about their traveling adventures and bragging about their successful children. I have none of that to share. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for my friends who are bursting with success. I love my friends. I’m just embarrassed of my life. Even though I have lost 165 pounds, Some will see the heaviest version of me because they didn’t see me in my 500 plus pound days. And of course old age has set in. My face is saggy, my hair is grey, and the years of self abuse are evident. Oh to only get back all the lost years I spent in bed, wallowing in self pity, and fear. I can only use them as a teacher, and a lesson in what really matters in life.

But my God is full of grace and sweet little surprises. I have been worrying a lot about what I will wear. I have not told this to a soul. I never want to cry “poor me” and milk favors out of my friends. But He spoke in a friend of mines ear, and she is sending me some new beautiful things to wear that she found while shopping. A lovely robe, and a pretty new top to wear on the causal get together game night. It will be ok.

I weight on Monday, I pray the scale will show some evidence of my efforts this week. If not, I will continue, trusting the fact that as I move forward in truth and honesty, that God will take care of the rest.

Blessings to all of you!

 

2%

I stepped on the scale today, I had no loss. It’s been months since I’ve had any serious weight loss. I don’t post on here as often because I don’t know what to say. And I am ashamed. I am scared, and embarrassed. Im going to write more often in spite of my struggles. Because it’s real, and these are the times most bloggers stop writing then start to gain weight. But these are the times blogging is most useful. I will not give up!

It’s been a couple of years since I have eaten any of the things that a considered fattening foods. Things like pizza, cake, ice cream, candy, bagels, bread, or pastries. In fact, I am a model dieter 98% of the time.

If an employee was productive 98% of the time, they would be praise and get a raise. They would be considered a success and a valued employee. But losing weight is not like that. The 2% is keeping me from living the life I dream of.

When I started this journey, I dropped weight by just breathing. I cut out those highly caloric food, and the first 100 pounds fell off me. It was pretty easy, and I got all kinds of attention and pats on the back. I was a weight loss roll model. I estimated portions, licked the spoon, and tasted everything I cooked before I ate it. It did not make a difference, I lost anyway.

We are all different. I wish I could be like my friends who just made a decision to lose the weight, found a plan, stick to it, to the letter, and never looked back, having solid continuous weight loss. But I have noticed those blessed folks are few and very far between. Besides, they have struggles we may never know about. It’s best I never compare myself with anyone. We really don’t know what someone else deals with in there most secret moments.

I do not believe I have a medical excuse,  that explains why I am not losing weight, I do not believe its water weight, or “Muscles weighing more than fat”, In order for me to continue losing weight, it is going to take extreme accuracy. The kind of accuracy I have often poked fun about others, as being ridiculous. I have said I do not want to be in bondage to tracking, weighing and measuring my food to the extreme. But in reality,  I am in bondage to food when I don’t take care of the details that are important, like tracking and weighing everything. Once again, I eat my words.

It is so easy to clearly see the dishonesty with some else who is struggling to lose weight, yet be in complete denial of my own.  I have seen people post a 100 calories serving of sweet potato fries in My Fitness Pal, yet show a picture of their food with a plate full of deep fried batter coated sweet potatoes that were clearly not 100 calories. Or something so covered in melted cheese you could not recognize it, and count it as one ounce of cheese. I only see this, because I have done and do similar things with my own food many many times over and over. And have been in such deep denial I could pass a lie detector test. I can rationalize almost anything. I hate this defect in my character. It makes me sick to expose something I am so ashamed of. When I see it in others, it only reminds me of my own dishonesty that I struggle with.

So I had a phone call with my accountability partner, AKA my sponsor. He is one of the few people who can help me look at my flaws in the face, and my screw ups, without judgement. I don’t feel like I am his project to fix, and he really listens to what I say when I pour my heart out. Then partners me toward the solution. What a gift.

But for me to solve a problem, requires someone to just hear me talk about it, so I can sort through it. I really have to think something through in order to change it. I wish I was one of those people who did what they were told without question or understanding. Maybe I have trust issues. It’s part of my personal process. Now, Im not talking about an extreme where I wallowed in it. I have done that and gotten very stuck, that is not what I am referring to. Sometimes wallowing in your own crap, is familiar, and warm, but it’s still crap. It’s best to get out as soon as you can.

I am an analytical person, I want to understand the situation first, before I jump in to fix it. I’m smart, I can usually figure it our or pull resources to get through something. But for me the biggest obstical is, to be bare naked honest with myself without feeling ashamed of my flaws. Ideas are not something I lack in. What I appreciate about my Sponsor is that he lets me share, then we figure out a solution together. It must take a lot of patients for him to listen to my description of what a special snowflake I think I am.

So here I am, spinning my wheels. I have been on the phone most of my morning, with the two most significant  support people in my life. I must exhaust them. I exhaust me! I am committed to planning my food for the day the evening before, weighing and measuring every morsel, and writing. I also have committed to texting my friend in the middle of the night if I have the urge to eat. Night eating is something  I have to be very aware and accountable for. Once I get started it is like a wild fire taking over.

I am a little bit sorry that I am not the kind of blogger, who rants on and on about my success, sharing past victories, to inspire my readers. Telling little antidotes about my previous struggles that I no longer have. Recovery for me, is messy. I am in the middle of a mud puddle up to my neck, and all I know how be is be real. I do not think I will ever be that person. I don’t think I want to be that person. I’m not someone who has an archive  of mantras and slogans to share. I simply want to show you the path I am on, as transparent as I know how to be in search of good health and a happy life. Blessings to all!

 

 

Aloneness and Loneliness

Down a pound, one measly pound! But maybe it’s the beginning of a downward trend. I have lost 165 pounds now. For that I am thankful. My patients are running so thin.

Several of my closest friends are going through losing parents or care taking them. Such a tough thing to go through. Yet, we all must go through that rite of passage. I was in my late 40s when I lost my folks, and just 50 when my husband died. It seems so long ago. I remember my head being a whirlwind, and lots of fear. I didn’t have anyone to morn with. And the responsibility of care taking and funeral planning was all on my shoulders. Walking my friends through this process brings back a lot of tough memories. I wasted so many years just spinning my wheels. I am so lonely today, and wonder if I will ever feel joy again in this lifetime.

There is a big difference between being alone and lonely. I do not mind being alone. But I have never felt so lonely in my entire existence. I miss day to day people in my life. Those people who bring rhythm to our lives. It’s something you don’t even think about until it’s taken from you. A tribe, a group of people who you have history with, who care about your mindless chatter, know your favorite color, what shows you watch on TV, and how you drink your coffee.

In the past, I use to latch onto a friend, or family that would sometimes call me family and include me in their lives. Their was always the best intentions, but over and over again, my neediness chased them away. I use to be the victim, blaming them for dumping me, or even my church for not caring for their widows. I see now family is not something you can choose, it has to be created organically.

I have been very critical, in my head about some of my friends who have been single, widowed, or divorced and recently found new romance in their lives. I thought at first it was jealously. I’m not so sure what is really is. I don’t think it’s all jealously. Because honestly, I have no desire to go on a dating website, or go looking for someone. It seems exhausting to get to know someone new all over again. Yet my heart is so weary. I just ache for family. I can’t stand seeing someone newly single jumping right back into a new relationship. To me it would be like getting a new dog, or having another child right away after you lose one. It seems to be a way to avoid the deep loneliness we all experience. But it only repairs the aloneness, not the lonelyness. I believe we all have to stare that monster in the face at some point in our lives eventually. And when we do, that is when the change happens. It is too much to expect anyone to carry our loneliness. It is a hole, only God can fill.

I am fighting every day to do the right thing, to create a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes when I wake, I just lay there begging God to let me sleep the day away so I don’t have to fake it one more day. I have always felt too flawed to be loved. That is my deepest issue, and it is connected to my loneliness, my eating, my relationships, finance, and everything else in my life gone wrong. I do not believe I am lovable.

I remember my Aunt Lindy experiencing this. Her husband died, she had no kids, and came up from Florida to live near us, (my Mom, Dad and me) in Nebraska. She started acting strange. She started losing her spark, then her memory. I use to go pick her up to go shopping with me, or just hang out. But I would catch her in these moments, where she seemed so distant and alone. When the Alzheimers started setting in, she would put her face in her hands, and close everyone off. In one of those moments, I asked her what was wrong, she said she didn’t know. I said, are you afraid of being alone? I’ll never forget the tears welling up in her eyes as she shook her head yes. I said, Lindy, as long as I live, you will never be alone, I will always be here for you. I wish I could comfort myself the way I comforted my aunt.

So if you are surrounded by a loving mate, and family all around, count your blessings. And please don’t get smug seeing someone like me and think “I’m glad it’s you and not me”. Because no matter how many people are around you, you will at some point have to look this monster in the face. People need people. We all receive as much mercy as we pour out. Blessings to all!