I have been a terrible grouch lately. A lot of it has been internal in my thoughts. But I have been a little snarky on Facebook. I do not like this part of me. I do not like admitting it, but until I recognize it, I can’t change it. And I want to change this.
It seems to me that whenever I am mostly challenged physically I have a tendency to blame someone else. I think I have done this all my life, but since I have been working the 12 steps to recovery, I have owned a lot of character flaws I have been in denial of for a very long time. I’m finding out I don’t know myself as well as I thought.
I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting. I loved so much of it. But I hated how it took a lot of physical effort to get there. I was really struggling with the folding chairs we had to sit on. In my head, I got angry at whoever was responsible for purchasing the chairs and not thinking of the comfort of a fat person. (Sounds so ridiculous to me now) But at the same time, had anyone thoughtfully tried to provide a more comfortable chair, I would have been terrible embarrassed and even more grouchy. I’m going back, I know every week will get better as I lose more weight. I need to get back into society, and this is a great start.
It’s been more than I expected, trying to get back into society. Much more! I feel like I have been in a coma for 10-15 years and suddenly woke up. Social norms have changed greatly, and technology has been a big contributor to that. People are not as warm and friendly as they were 10-15 years ago. It’s not due to a decline in the morality so much, but due to the fact that people do not have to communicate like we use to. You do not use eye contact, and develop a likable personality to communicate with technoligy. For a fat girl, we developed these things in our character in order to become likable. We can’t count on our looks to get by. I have noticed less eye contact, and manors have greatly declined. It’s not intentional rudeness, it’s just a lack of manors. Years ago I use to make fun of small towns, when you met a farmer on the gravel road he waved no matter if he knew you or not. I now feel like the farmer.
I often feel like the Elephant Man every time I walk into a room of strangers. I can be so self conscious that I think everyone is focused on how big I am. But I don’t think that is the case as much as, people really don’t care. People seem to have less interest in each other, at least face to face. Plus there is a lot more fat people and diversity these days.
I went to church last Sunday too. That was really tough. The way my church has change was incredible. I was so angry, but actually I was grieving, and it manifested itself as anger. The refuge, the soft place I believed would always be there has changed. It’s life, and I need to get use to change. It feels like my safety net has been torn away beneath me.
I am a thinker, and most people would not even notice these things. But I have always been analytical, which makes me hyper sensitive. I need to toughen up! I have to always fight the urge to crawl back in to my safe world. But it’s dark there, and it’s not really that safe, it’s just an illusion. All familiar things are not always safe. If I go back to where I was, I will surly die.
It’s so embarrassing to be this transparent. But living by your feelings often stops our growth. I stand on truth and faith these days. I am being stretched out of my comfort zone, and any time we stretch it hurts a little. I’m willing to go through a little humiliation and pain to gain to a healthy and happy life.