Today I am working on getting my Coaching business built up. I am not good at self promoting. I have always struggled with being around anyone who is cocky, or overly confident. I think it comes from always feeling 2nd in every aspect of life. partly from growing up a fat kid, and partly from the lack of fully understanding God’s unconditional love and grace. It’s hard to understand receiving something that is free of charge, where we do not have to earn it or be good enough.
I have come to realize confidence has nothing to do with believing we are better than anyone else. It is about believing we are as good as anyone else. I always felt intimidated by people who were more attractive, wealthier and confident. I use to put extra value on a friendship with anyone who possessed this kind of status. It validated me, because I did not feel secure about who I was on my own.
All of this has changed drastically. It has changed all my relationships. I have had to distance myself with some friends, either by my choice or their choice. I also added value to some friendships that really matter to me, and had neglected over the years. If feel good to love people without the strings attached. I am a much better friend these days.
Recovery changes a person’s personality, regardless of whatever your addiction or hang up is. Mostly for the good, but it is painful. It’s work, and involves a lot of change. Change is hard! It is easier to just settle for a mediocre life. I am currently living on disability. I actually feel a little shame admitting that, very few people talk about their life living on disability. I expect to be off of it within the next year. Few people have the option to do that, and ever fewer actually do if they could. I could settle for a mediocre life, getting enough money from disability to pay my bills, and live with only my bare necessities paid for, from one month to the other. I have lost enough weight now to feel a little better compared to where I use to be. But it’s not enough. I have a mission, a burning desire to lead others who struggle with obesity out of that prison.
A few years ago, when I had lost 200 pounds, I lost my vision. Mostly because of my own insecurities. Losing weight became a means of self elevation. The attention I recieved gave me self worth. I hate admitting this, but everywhere I went for years I always spun the conversation with my weigh loss and association with a celebrity. I “humble-bragged” about all the TV and media attention. All the travel ,and large groups I spoke to, all while I lost myself, little by little. Actually prostituting my virtues.
What I am confessing here, is deeply personal, and please understand, before you message me, just because I open this can of worms, does not mean I welcome hearing about your memories about my arrogance in one of the best and worst times in my life. I am so embarrassed about how full of myself I was. for some reason people think if you talk about something personal, they have the right to say hurtful things.
So here I am, working on doing this right this time. I had to find my value at 537 pounds, before I could actually see I was worth and deserving of losing weight and getting healthy. Self care feels selfish. But it’s only selfish if it’s at the cost of others. Honoring our bodies is a way we can honor God, and nurture the people we love around us.
So, I am offering coaching, to you. Not because I have all the answers, but because it is my burning desire to help those who lived like I did, and give them hope. Yes, it fills my mission here on earth, it is also a way I can make a living and get off depending on those disability checks. I do not have all the answers to your weight problems, BUT, YOU DO! What I can offer is a constructive way to help you find your path to better health and a confident you. I can offer support, and accountability, because I have been there.
I have discovered when we are truly real, and our motives are pure, arrogance and being cocky is not necessary. Our gifts and talents stand on their own.
This week I am off any food containing flour or refined sugar. Only for a week. My carb intake is too high, and may be why I am stalling with my weight loss. I stay under 1400 calories, but I am giving this a whirl. I can do anything for one week. I missed my peanut butter toast with a banana this morning, but instead I had a big bowl of fresh strawberries, and it was so refreshing! Hoping for a substantial weight loss next week! I’ll let you know!