Sometimes I feel like a bird in an open cage. I have been a prisoner in my body so long that I do not recognize the freedom I already have. I dream of days when I am not limited by my body, yet when the opportunity arises, I seem to find an excuse why I can’t do what I dream of. Some of it is because of the remnants of depression that seems to linger, and some is fear.
I remember going to NYC for the first time. I was doing an informational shoot for Richard Simmons weight loss fitness tape “Dance Your Pants Off”. I was there with friends I had met on a weight loss cruise with Richard, and I got up early to explore my new surroundings. We arrived at our hotel late in the evening, so when morning came I showered, got dressed, and enthuastically went down to the lobby of the hotel. I was going to get coffee, and The New York Times,sit in a coffee shop and really feel the vibe of this great city. I stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the hotel, the noise, the plethora of people, and commotion was overwhelming! I was scared, and lost my courage to go out exploring on my own. I went back up to my room and waited for my roommate to wake up. I was not prepared at all for the great rush and crowded streets. Later that day we all went together exploring the city and everything was fine. Sometimes we just need someone else with us to be brave. I was use to living in a sleepy little Nebraska town, where early mornings were quite, and not very many people around. The phrase “A Town that Never Sleeps” is so true.
Sometimes I feel like that today, about life. I just spent the last decade in bed, Hiding under the covers. I woke up from that fat coma 10 years older, I have no idea what my capabilities or disabilities truly are, because they change daity. I am alone because all my friends have moved on with their lives. A lot can happen in 10 years, my friends who had school age children now have married children and grandchildren. Some have Great Grandchildren. I feel like a baby having to learn to walk all over again. But the difference is, I am alone. I don’t know many who have survived what I have survived. Honestly, most people in my situation are dead. Very few people as fat as I was live past middle age. I believe the reason so many morbidly obese people who lose great amounts of weight gain it back because it can be terrifying.
Then I find myself crying out to God, asking him if he saved me from dying of obesity, why is it still so hard, and why am I so alone? Is this just a big joke? Does He really care, and is there a plan for my life? It seems cruel to bring someone halfway back from death, and just walk away from them to figure it out alone.
But I do believe God has a plan. I believe I am experiencing these things so someday I can hold the hand of another person who chooses to walk this path. I do not believe God makes bad things happen to people, but I believe He turns the rubble of our lives into something of value.
The door to my cage is half open. Today I choose to walk towards that open door, Some days I bust through it, and some days, the best I can do is stand in the doorway. And there are those days I just sit on top of the cage, trying to muster courage. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will fly. And when I do, all of this will makes sense. My flight will erase all the regret, and I will feel the joy and freedom I long for. This little bird, will fly like the Eagles! Will you join me?