It’s been 4 weeks since that scale has moved. I’m not full of fluid, I am not “gaining muscle” (those two excuses drive me crazy!) I am not eating ice cream and big plates of pasta, I am just being sloppy with my food. I really believe we can be in denial and not even see it ourselves. Denial of being in denial. I have no excuses, but my struggles lie in the refining and certainty of my food plan. I am a food addict. I will always be a food addict, in my opinion. I can not eat like the “normies” eat. I lie to myself about portions, and actually believe myself, also I have no on or off switch in my head to tell me what hunger and fullness feels like.
It takes an army of people and time to recover from any addiction. I talk a lot about my friends Sean Anderson and Coach Gerri Helms. They are 2 of the three solid foundations of my recover. The third is my friend Liz, who seems to know what I am thinking before I even say it. The funny thing is, and you won’t believe it, I have never meet any of these people in person. How I met them all started from an email I sent Sean on his blog The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser . Sean brings me hope, because he has been successful at what I am trying to achieve losing over 250 pounds gaining half of it back, and now losing 300 and maintaining it for several years, without surgery. He is the message of hope, that God put in my life. Gerri brings coaching, and wisdom, and the spiritual component. Liz brings love, prayer, and sisterhood. It is supernatural how God brought these people into my life and how we bless each other with wisdom and support and accountability. I have several face to face support people from my community as well. But these 3 are in my life day to day. I asked God to bring people in my life that will guide and support me on this journey, this is simply an answer to prayer.
It seems like I peal off one layer, and another one surfaces. I need to accept the fact that is is a lifetime on-going process. I am learning to ease it to it and surrender, but often my controlling spirit take over and I start to unravel. I fight the urge to retreat to isolation. For whatever reason, be it shame, embarrassment, laziness, anticipation or low self esteem, if I do not watch it, I can crawl back into isolation, where I don’t have to work on this recovery, disappear, and let my body and spirit rot.
When I am preparing my food, and I’m not watching portions, weighing or measuring my food, what happens is the food becomes an emotional barrier between me and God. It was suggested to me to say this prayer before a meal…
God please come between me and this food
So the food doesn’t come between me and you
A very simple prayer, and if you do not pay attention you can miss how profound this really is. But this is the essence of my addiction. putting God, between me and food, verses food between me and God.
I have had some extra time talking with my 3 suport people, making a plan to be extra accountable,
I am working very hard at turning around my certainty of recovery and it takes a constant awareness and being clear headed and mindful. My morning devotion have to be non-negotiable and never rushed. It is a solid part of my recover as well. This is a new awareness for me, I have also discovered that when I start to sink, I sink fast and deep into depression. And when I am not using food to stuff negative feelings, it can become magnified 100 fold!
I attended a funeral this weekend, one of my Mothers best friends, and the family members were my childhood friends. Since I have no living relatives, this is all I have. Some of the folks there, I had not seen for 30+ years. This triggered some strong feelings, that I did not know what to do with. Sometimes we just feel, but have no idea what label to attach to it. You just feel and it feels raw. I felt guilty and shame for how I reacted to these emotions I would normally stuff down with food. I got anxious, and had big expirations as to how this weekend was going to be. I was a train wreck. Finally yesterday Sean reminded me of the saying “expectations (of others) are premeditated resentments” It all fit! I was setting myself up to feel resentful, and I did.
It has been a twisted road back to wellness. I say “back to” but in reality, I was never there. This is a whole new way I am learning to think and live. One I never expected. Even though I heard it over and over that the weight is only a symptom of the problem, I still struggle with that, believing when the weight is off, I will be normal and have more value. But my value is already established, God loves me as I am, and he is crazy about me! Imagine that? God loves us as we are, not as we should be, because we are never as we should be. ~Brennen Manning