I have not weighed since my last post because my house is in the process of getting some new flooring and I couldn’t use my scale on weight day. So I will be weighing next Tuesday, now that I have it back in use. There are 2 kinds of people who weight themselves. Those who are obsessive and weight too much, and then there are those like me, who avoid the scale and have to have a regular time each week to stay on task and stay out of denial.
I have been very diligent at weighing and measuring my food. It still shocks me how small a level tablespoon of peanut butter really is. One level tablespoon of peanut butter is around 95 calories. My all time favorite breakfast WAS a big bagel from Panara’s, toasted, smeared with about 2 tablespoons peanut butter on each half and a sliced ripe banana on top open faced. For a very long time I justified this to be around 500 calories, but in reality is was as much as 900 calories sometimes more! Being on a 1600 calorie diet, that left me with around 700 calories for the rest of the day! Denial is very bad for our health. I am now trying to lower my morning carbs and increase the protein. I believe I will always be refining my food plan.
As I said earlier, I am getting some flooring installed in my house, after 2 years of my house being in total disarray from a remodeling job that the carpenter never finished. I ran out of money, he left, and never to be seen again. Lesson learned? Never write a check until the job is finished, and make very sure he keeps his word about the budget. it was a lot of money that I mis-managed. I am not saying I am the victim here. I was not taking very good care of any part of my life back then. I was 537 pounds, extremely depressed, and my head was in a deep fog. I owned my part, quit being the victim long ago, and use it as a lesson learned.
So a new floor, and getting a door on my bathroom is a big deal to me. I hope in time I can get the rest done like the pantry shelves built so I have a place to store food, trim put back up, a bedroom and basement door and rail so it’s safe to walk down the steps. It was pretty unsafe for a long time for someone my size to maneuver herself around this house. But I am so grateful for a home, and for my friends who are helping me get this done. I am mostly looking forward to entertaining once again and having friend over for Dinner.
I have had a mouse problem ever since that 2 years old construction as well. I am grateful for my friend Loren being willing to come over and help me with it. He is the best pest control guy in the area and has been very helpful. If you need an honest pest control guy, please contact me for his contact number. I would love to shoot some business his way. It has been hard to find the places these little devils are coming in at. So Loren has been here several times. I am still not sure we found the entry point.
Getting back into life has been an adjustment in many ways. I am managing my life once again, which involves some stress. But I will take the added stress in exchange for getting my life back. I believe as I continue on my road to health, the drama will lesson and I will not get so rattled at any bumps in the road. I have to admit I have been a bit of a drama queen. I was so use to being disabled, that some of the things I can now do, I fear doing. It’s hard to explain, but when you stop living your life, and become isolated and seclusive, you lose confidence in yourself and fear sets in. Fear is much more of an enemy that my incapabilities. And honestly, you unintentionally build an army of enablers around you. People who love you and feel so bad about your disability, they do too much for you. With the best intentions, of course. Then you become dependent on them. I am very shameful to admit, I also became a manipulator. Something I did not see until I started working the 12 steps of recovery. It is a delicate balance. I now pray for God to give me the courage and willingness to try, myself first, and he always does. I still need my friends help with some stuff, but I try to do it myself first, or find a way to earn it. What usually happens is your “neediness” becomes exhausting to most of your friends, and they slowly vanish. I am fully aware there are those who loved me, yet lost respect for me while I was wallowing in self pity. This is on of the things I feel the most shame about. I have had to make a lot of amends. Probably more down the road. It was all driven by fear more than greed. But it’s still wrong.
I love some of Maya Angelou’s quotes, but there is one quote she has that I do not agree with….”When people show you who they are the first time, believe them.” I believe in second chances, I am grateful for those who believed I could change and supported me. I am grateful for God’s grace. People can change. My friend Juli, who is the VP of the local community College, says she loved her job because she gets to help people who are getting second chances. That does not mean we should not be smart and cautious, or a doormat. It just means we should not slam the door shut. The recovery world and many Community Colleges are full of those who got another chance and changed. Becoming productive and independent people. Never give up on anyone. Set boundaries, yes, but don’t ever give up on yourself or someone you love.