There was a time, not so long ago that my skin was so thin, that at some point, most of the people around me did something offensive. I was so empty, and emotionally needy I spewed my hurt and pain all over the people I loved. I can still struggle with this on occasion, but now I realize when I start feeling resentful, there is something off track inside of me and it’s time to stop, and take an inner inventory. Or in my case, take some time to pray and listen to God, basking in His love.
I got a phone call from a distant relative, who’s voice I had not heard in 6 maybe 7 years. It was awkward, she had shut me out of her life long ago, in the biggest turmoil in my life. I have held resent for this person for years and years. In that call, she never once asked me how I was doing, what was new in my life, or any apology what-so-ever why she never checked in with me for so long. After the call, I was hurt for a short time. My head is clearer now more than it has been all my life. I came to realize, in spite of her lack of warmth and social skills, she may be doing the best she knows how to do.
I use to think people did offensive things intentionally. But when I started working the 12 steps of recovery and got to step 4 “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”, I realized I did many offensive things to people that were equality offensive, and hurtful. Deliberate or not, my transgressions were a reaction of the pain I held inside for so many years. It is hard to see these ugly things in my life. I am so ashamed. And I am certain I still have a lot of emotional pain left to deal with. Whenever I start to feel resentful, get sarcastic, or act out in any passive/aggressive manor, I now look inward, instead of outward. This creates a lasting peace in my heart that sarcasm and resentfulness could never fill. These are the things that were killing me much faster than the cheeseburgers I ate that eventually turned into weighing 537 pounds.
It’s been an eye opening experience to stop being the victim, own my part, and forgive someone who I felt hurt or rejected me. It’s a battle, and sometimes a war zone. And like any battle, there are casualties. There is friendly fire, and there are wounded veterans. I am a wounded veteran. I have not had my legs blown off, I have repercussions from my own war that have changed me forever. But my value never changes, it never has. God in His mercy, restores us. Not back to our old self, but He creates something new and useful out of our pain and rubble. My wounds and battle scares suddenly have purpose and use.
This week I am connecting with someone close to me who received the pain I spewed all over her. One of our last conversations which was a heated argument she said “I am not going to sit here and let you emotionally throw up all over me!” and proceed to walk away. I was so angry when she said that. How could she say that to me? I was a widow, I have no family, I’m broke and over 500 pounds! But she was right. I was wallowing in self pity, and not only that, I often used that self pity to guilt people into taking care of me. That’s called manipulation. Ouch, that is still hard to confess.
I weigh myself Tuesday. I am anxious to see results on the scale. I have been watching my carbohydrate intake. I’m attempting to stay under 150g of carbs. Which is low for me. (if you care to follow what I’m eating on My Fitness Pal, my name is totalkathy, feel free to request to be my friend) I am also not eating white flour or sugar. It’s been a bit of a challenge to do this. I grew up in the mid-west. A starch was always included in a meal, that was balance to me. But I am learning I do not need a starch with every meal. It is more expensive. Carbs are cheap! Protein is expensive. I am living on a budget, and I have had to trust God to provide. He always does. As an example of his care, a friend spontaneously stopped by last night and brought me a 3 pack of Laughing Cow cheese (1 carb per wedge) Could God be any more faithful? Why oh why do I stress over my needs being met? If He provided daily food for the sparrows, He will surely take care of me.
So there is my thoughts and update of my personal journey. It’s sometimes very messy. Recovery is messy. it’s likened to when we clean out our closets. We remover all the stuff, and strew it all over the room, and everything looks like its in total disorder, and then if we stick with it, we suddenly see the clutter removed and order.