Happy New Year! I am hoping the coming year will be one of the best ever. But I am really struggling today. My self esteem has had a bit of a hit the last few weeks. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I can’t get that scale to move. I am questioning my ability to actually have a happy life someday. Am I only fooling myself?
I have also felt misunderstood and not very loveable. It’s probably the holiday season. I have done much better this year than in the past but still struggling. Today was harder than Christmas Day. It’s hard to see so many happy families while I am alone. I need to stay off Facebook. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes I am not as strong as I want to be. I am paying the price for my bad choices in the past. Yet have to figure out that I am worth saving, in order to move forward. Ok this is going to sound so immature, but I am going to say it anyway, “What is so wrong with me that no one wants me in their life?” Romantically or even as friend or family? It feels my whole life has been either being a caretaker or servant, or alone. Who would ever want me to be a part of their family? Was my mother the only person who has ever had me on the front burner of her life? Am I really that pathetic? Oh I get those invitations to be included from well intentionded friends. But you and I know the truth, I am not really part of their family, It just feels less guilt for them to say that. People feel sorry for me and I hate that. This may sound bitter, but every time I trust, I get let down. I’m not trying to milk sympathy, I’m just tired of trusting. No one will ever love you like family other than family, and I have none. it’s like a child that knows better than to stick her hand in the fireplace, but she keeps doing it expecting different results. What is my true value?
I was told today that I am a drama queen. That really hurt. I questioned if my feelings have any valitation. Am I just an attention whore? Why can’t I let things roll off my back and not take it personally? I am ashamed being so thin skinned. How do people call themselves Christians knowing I am dying here? Rotting in this house. I have family who are in the church whenever the doors are open, but choose not to include me in their life. I have made some awful choices that I am very ashamed of. I did a bad job of taking care of those relationships many years ago. I have not treated everyone with the kindness I should have. This is the repercussions of it all. I guess I am getting what I deserve. Why do I hear about the mercy of God, yet feel so shut out by those who claim to know Him best? I’m just so tired. I’m not sure how much fight I have left. My hope is fading.
Two of the biggest human needs are to have a sense of belonging and a purpose. I am questioning both of those things today. Where do I belong? And what is my true purpose? Is this something I need to experience so I will be able to help other out of this self destructive thinking? Does God really care about me?
when I finally get it together, regain my health, and quit feeling sorry for myself, will I be to old to be of use? I have watched everyone live their lives around me while I just stood frozen in time. Fear and a lack of self worth have paralyzed me. The only relief I get is binging. When I am not binging, and I am not, this is what happens. Everything just comes to the surface and the feelings become larger than I am. I pray they pass.
No one talks about these feelings. It is simply too painful to say or hear. But if I don’t, they stay buried deep inside me destroying me from the inside out.
Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with a different outlook, but for today, I am too tired to fight.