Too tired to fight

Happy New Year! I am hoping the coming year will be one of the best ever. But I am really struggling today. My self esteem has had a bit of a hit the last few weeks. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I can’t get that scale to move. I am questioning my ability to actually have a happy life someday. Am I only fooling myself?

I have also felt misunderstood and not very loveable. It’s probably the holiday season. I have done much better this year than in the past but still struggling. Today was harder than Christmas Day. It’s hard to see so many happy families while I am alone. I need to stay off Facebook. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes I am not as strong as I want to be. I am paying the price for my bad choices in the past. Yet have to figure out that I am worth saving, in order to move forward.  Ok this is going to sound so immature, but I am going to say it anyway, “What is so wrong with me that no one wants me in their life?” Romantically or even as friend or family?  It feels my whole life has been either being a caretaker or servant, or alone. Who would ever want me to be a part of their family? Was my mother the only person who has ever had me on the front burner of her life? Am I really that pathetic? Oh I get those invitations to be included from well intentionded friends. But you and I know the truth, I am not really part of their family, It just feels less guilt for them to say that. People feel sorry for me and I hate that. This may sound bitter, but every time I trust, I get let down. I’m not trying to milk sympathy, I’m just tired of trusting. No one will ever love you like family other than family, and I have none. it’s like a child that knows better than to stick her hand in the fireplace, but she keeps doing it expecting different results. What is my true value?

I was told today that I am a drama queen. That really hurt. I questioned if my feelings have any valitation. Am I just an attention whore? Why can’t I let things roll off my back and not take it personally? I am ashamed being so thin skinned. How do people call themselves Christians knowing I am dying here? Rotting in this house. I have family who are in the church whenever the doors are open, but choose not to include me in their life. I have made some awful choices that I am very ashamed of. I did a bad job of taking care of those relationships many years ago. I have not treated everyone with the kindness I should have. This is the repercussions of it all. I guess I am getting what I deserve. Why do I hear about the mercy of God, yet feel so shut out by those who claim to know Him best? I’m just so tired. I’m not sure how much fight I have left. My hope is fading.

Two of the biggest human needs are to have a sense of belonging and a purpose. I am questioning both of those things today. Where do I belong? And what is my true purpose? Is this something I need to experience so I will be able to help other out of this self destructive thinking? Does God really care about me?

when I finally get it together, regain my health, and quit feeling sorry for myself, will I be to old to be of use? I have watched everyone live their lives around me while I just stood frozen in time. Fear and a lack of self worth have paralyzed me. The only relief I get is binging. When I am not binging, and I am not, this is what happens. Everything just comes to the surface and the feelings become larger than I am. I pray they pass.

No one talks about these feelings. It is simply too painful to say or hear. But if I don’t, they stay buried deep inside me destroying me from the inside out.

Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with a different outlook, but for today, I am too tired to fight.

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

13 thoughts on “Too tired to fight

  1. I hear you, Kathy, and I am so sorry that today (and the entire holiday season) has been so hard. I feel sure that there are people around you that love you–how could they not? I have already seen what a kind and giving person you are.

    I frequently struggle with feeling unloved by friends around me, or excluded, or unwanted. But in my less emotional moments, I remember the invitations or words of encouragement I have received from them. Most of the time I have rejected those invitations, and given the impression that I don’t need them.

    I don’t know if you struggle with similar issues or not. But I feel certain that God has placed people in your life to lift you up when you are in need.

    Lift up your head, sister. You are loved.

    • Kathleen

      Thank you my new friend and fellow blogger!…….. http://www.theskinnysoul.com ………it’s nearly impossible to lost over 300 pounds in a straight shot, I’m grateful for the support I have with people like you to walk this journey with. God is Faithful! Blessings to you!

    • Kathleen

      Thanks, it’s humbling to be so bare naked honest, but it seems to be what I need to do to get out of the weeds. Thank for helping less alone! Blessings!

  2. Dee

    Kathy when you’re ready to catch it – and I’m sensing today that you’re not – there’s a virtual hug coming at you from this side of the pond x

    • Kathleen

      Thanks so much! I’ve rallied my support system, and feel I am doing better and willing to do what it takes to continue on my weight loss journey.

  3. Just for today I am a beautiful child of God. People will often/always let me down, but they are not who I value my worth by. I am custom-designed by the creator of the universe for a purpose that He knows. You are also.

    I believe you do 12-step meetings. This is hurricane season for addicts. Many die. We live just for today.

    Go to a meeting. Speak your truth, your hurt, your regrets. Let your voice be heard and you will find that part of your purpose is to share your pain so another may relate and live.

    If no-one else has told you today, Kathy, “I love you,” I do.

  4. Tammie

    Kathy, I wish you lived in Western New York. Then we could be each other’s family. I would love that very much. Instead, I will tell you how very much it means to me that you are able to be open and honest and express yourself the way you do. I share your pain. I also know that it will pass and lessen as it always does. Until then, keep hanging on!

    • Kathleen

      Thanks Tammie! It’s so kind for you to say this. Thanks for your sweet message. Who know, maybe someday I will visit New York!

  5. Emma

    I’m not trying to be super-critical of you, but you say that nobody likes you and wants to be your friend, and then that friends invited you over for the holidays but you declined because you feel that they don’t like you *enough.* It might be worth considering accepting the friendship that is offered instead of assessing and rejecting it.

    You also say that nobody puts you first like family does, and then that your family doesn’t prioritize you. It sounds like your descriptions and expectations might not be totally realistic. Your family might NOT prioritize you, and your friends perhaps DO want to be friends.

    • Emma

      I realize that I didn’t sound very sympathetic. I want to say plainly that I sympathize! I am overweight and have depression, and was brought up a bit strangely, so my social interactions were hard-learned. I am familiar with hanging back, wanting to be wanted, and so forth.

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