I get by with a Little Help from my Friends

I ate last night. I stood in front of the fridge about 2 AM and ate a cheese and ham wrap, and a huge handful of granola. There I said it. This is where my biggest struggle lie. The other struggle is in portion control.

I knew I was in trouble last night, I wrote a post in my Facebook weight loss group that I could eat the pictures off the walls. I got some support, I couldn’t sleep, and I cried out to God to please take away the strong urge to eat. I got up to pee, and walked straight into the Kitchen. I had failed to put the hamper in front of the doorway to stop me and make me think. I have tried and tried to find the answer, “Why did I have such a strong urge to eat?” What is it that needs to be fixed? I will be 60 this year, and that is almost 60 years of struggling with binging and being overweight. At 4 years old I was taken to at weight loss Doctor. It was 1961, back then doctors gave you pills, or Speed, being the street name. I remember at 4 years old taking a black and white capsule that was actually speed. TO A 4 YEAR OLD! I remember being awake all night, my Mom sitting up with me in the living room, she, asleep on the couch, me, a 4 year old so wound up I was scribble coloring in a color book with so much fury I could not possibly even try to stay inside the lines.

Am I broken forever? When will I get relief? I honestly do not believe surgery is the answer for me. My head is much fatter than my body, and I know I would be one of those weight loss surgery people who melts chocolate to pour down my throat to digest it easier. I am an expert at getting in extra calories. I have the skill to pack a tremendous amount of calories on a buffet plate, yet have it look like half as much. (You can hide a lot of mashed potatoes under a slab of ham) I can binge on anything, I have actually binged on oatmeal!

Once I can quit feeling sorry for myself and quit being a victim, I see a woman who has successfully lost 169 pounds. I see a total change in my eating behavior, in-spite of my occasional times of eating off plan. I see progress. I see a level of maturity I never had. I am a better friend, and better at handling my life.

I get in trouble when I compare myself to my friends who just made a decision to eat healthy and never looked back. Those folks are a mystery to me. Will I ever in my lifetime reach that level of abstinence? I don’t know. But perhaps God is using my flawed openness to be approachable to someone who needs hope. Perfect people are not very approachable. I want to always be a welcome place to run to. So I guess perfection may not be in God’s plan for me. I am broken, and will always be a bit broken. But broken does not Β mean unsuccessful, or worthless.

My keyboard on my computer had one key missing. It is broken. When I saw the missing key a while back, I was so upset. My beautiful Macbook was flawed! How can I fix it? Where is the missing part? But now after a few months, I hardly notice it. In fact, it is part of the charm and character of my computer that had given me so much. Had I been so upset about this missing piece that I threw away my computer, and found it unusable I would have missed out on being able to write this blog, communicate with friends, and do that administrative part of the weight loss group I co-facilitate.

This is the same as my flaws, and mishaps. They are only small inconveniences, I learn to manipulate around them and in time, they add to my character. Sometimes we can fix it, sometimes we find a way to work around it, and sometimes others help us with the repair. Either way, it does not stop our progress or decrease our value.

Today is a new day, I actually woke up very late and had a late breakfast, so the food I ate early this morning I tracked on todays food diary. I weigh Tuesday, I hope this does not affect my weight. But if it does, I’ll work around it and get by with a little help from my friends.

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

5 thoughts on “I get by with a Little Help from my Friends

  1. Stacie

    The comparison to the flawed keyboard is killer. Said it before, will say it again, your writing is evolving. Honest, sincere voice. Glad you kept that Mac. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜ŠπŸ‘πŸ» Keep on!

    • Kathleen

      Thanks Stacie! I am learning more and more it’s not the construction of the words as much as the message. But the funny thing is, the better at making the message clear the construction improves. Hug Bradie for me!

  2. Rhonda

    Great blog…. I have times when I just want to eat eat eat for seemingly no reason. It usually happens when I have let sugar get into my system. If you have had sugar you need to be off it for several days (up to a week) before those strong cravings subside. Keep on keeping on. You are making progress. Hugs, Rhonda

  3. YES!! Like you said, broken definitely doesn’t mean unsuccessful or worthless. It means we are just a bit more high maintenance than some.
    Just remember that you are not alone. There are probably more woman who are like us than not. They just cover it up and we like to let it out πŸ™‚ HUG to you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *