I ate last night. I stood in front of the fridge about 2 AM and ate a cheese and ham wrap, and a huge handful of granola. There I said it. This is where my biggest struggle lie. The other struggle is in portion control.
I knew I was in trouble last night, I wrote a post in my Facebook weight loss group that I could eat the pictures off the walls. I got some support, I couldn’t sleep, and I cried out to God to please take away the strong urge to eat. I got up to pee, and walked straight into the Kitchen. I had failed to put the hamper in front of the doorway to stop me and make me think. I have tried and tried to find the answer, “Why did I have such a strong urge to eat?” What is it that needs to be fixed? I will be 60 this year, and that is almost 60 years of struggling with binging and being overweight. At 4 years old I was taken to at weight loss Doctor. It was 1961, back then doctors gave you pills, or Speed, being the street name. I remember at 4 years old taking a black and white capsule that was actually speed. TO A 4 YEAR OLD! I remember being awake all night, my Mom sitting up with me in the living room, she, asleep on the couch, me, a 4 year old so wound up I was scribble coloring in a color book with so much fury I could not possibly even try to stay inside the lines.
Am I broken forever? When will I get relief? I honestly do not believe surgery is the answer for me. My head is much fatter than my body, and I know I would be one of those weight loss surgery people who melts chocolate to pour down my throat to digest it easier. I am an expert at getting in extra calories. I have the skill to pack a tremendous amount of calories on a buffet plate, yet have it look like half as much. (You can hide a lot of mashed potatoes under a slab of ham) I can binge on anything, I have actually binged on oatmeal!
Once I can quit feeling sorry for myself and quit being a victim, I see a woman who has successfully lost 169 pounds. I see a total change in my eating behavior, in-spite of my occasional times of eating off plan. I see progress. I see a level of maturity I never had. I am a better friend, and better at handling my life.
I get in trouble when I compare myself to my friends who just made a decision to eat healthy and never looked back. Those folks are a mystery to me. Will I ever in my lifetime reach that level of abstinence? I don’t know. But perhaps God is using my flawed openness to be approachable to someone who needs hope. Perfect people are not very approachable. I want to always be a welcome place to run to. So I guess perfection may not be in God’s plan for me. I am broken, and will always be a bit broken. But broken does not mean unsuccessful, or worthless.
My keyboard on my computer had one key missing. It is broken. When I saw the missing key a while back, I was so upset. My beautiful Macbook was flawed! How can I fix it? Where is the missing part? But now after a few months, I hardly notice it. In fact, it is part of the charm and character of my computer that had given me so much. Had I been so upset about this missing piece that I threw away my computer, and found it unusable I would have missed out on being able to write this blog, communicate with friends, and do that administrative part of the weight loss group I co-facilitate.
This is the same as my flaws, and mishaps. They are only small inconveniences, I learn to manipulate around them and in time, they add to my character. Sometimes we can fix it, sometimes we find a way to work around it, and sometimes others help us with the repair. Either way, it does not stop our progress or decrease our value.
Today is a new day, I actually woke up very late and had a late breakfast, so the food I ate early this morning I tracked on todays food diary. I weigh Tuesday, I hope this does not affect my weight. But if it does, I’ll work around it and get by with a little help from my friends.