I woke up late this morning with a shadow of hopelessness hanging over my head. I talked to a friend on the phone and didn’t really tell her this, but it’s pretty amazing how God works in our lives anyway. She said to me “Are you going to get out of the house today?” I answered yes. When I feel this way, and honestly, most of my mornings I feel this way…..the last thing I want to do is get out. I made a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat, and thought about my commitment to my friend to get out a bit. I visualized myself having to tell her that I did not get out when she asks, and I don’t want to let her or myself down. I decided to just get dressed anyway. (bra and all) Then I decided to go. So I did.
This may seem very silly to most of you. But coming out of a 10 year fat coma, at this age, is not an easy task. There are still many physical obstacles, it hurts my back, hips, and legs to walk over 20 feet. I have many friends. But all my friends have moved on with their lives so I don’t really have anyone to just hang out with. I get terribly lonely. And those who tried to help me over the years, frankly, got tired of my turning down every invitation to help turn my life around. Why should they put through any effort if I wasn’t?
So I went to the local Hy Vee grocery store. I made it to the coffee shop where the clerk chattered away at me, while I fumbled with the debit card machine. I was mildly irritated. There are so many changes in the world since the last time I was really living in it. Debit card machines are one of them, combined with the fact that I did not have my readers on. I pushed my empty cart to a table, and self served myself at the coffee counter. I chatted a bit with a sweet employee I kind of knew, who is in her 20’s and called me “Hun” (I just HATE that) Then sat at a table, looking at my phone so I could become invisible. I wished I could just sit in a booth instead of the middle of the room, so I could be less visible, but my 377 pound body just refuses to let me. .
I had a busy little beauty shop in town for 24 years, until I simply got to fat to do hair anymore. But that was my identity in this community for years. Here I sat, feeling old, and unrecognizable. I saw folks I had not seen in over 10 years walking in and out of the store, and they all look so much older. It’s as if I got lost in time and got transported back into the future.
I took a short little walk around the store pushing a cart then went out to my car to leave. I was hungry, and drive through fast food is something I really really love. (don’t judge) I have been seeing those McDonalds commercials for the “Grand Big Mac” all week. I love Big Macs, and in my fast food eating days, I always ordered 2 because they were small. So the whole drive back home I was trying to justify in my head to go through McDonalds and order a “Grand Big Mac” count the calories and have it for lunch. When I got to the parking lot I looked the calories up on my phone. (another big change since I have woke up from my Fat Coma.) The “Grand” had 860 calories! My total for the day is 1400! So take away my bowl of Cream of Wheat this morning, this would push me over my calorie count. I looked up the “Mac Jr” it was 460 calories! HOLY COW! Since I am a master of rationalizing things I want to get away with, I started looking at calories with 1/2 the bread, and I even found a calorie count on MGP for a Grand Mac totally without bread, 580 calories, and of course the fat and carb count was off the charts! So I thought, my best option is a Jr Mac with no bread was 292 calories. If I order that and eat it, first of all it won’t be the same without the bun, and the thing is so small, it will be gone in 2 bites! Not a very good food value for my calorie budget, but I was already through the drive through, what was I going to do? I also do not have the money for this since my property taxes are due March 1st, I have been losing sleep over this, and even a Jr Mac would be a silly thing to spend money on. So, I backed out of the drove through, and went home.
I am still feeling very lonely today, and worry sometimes I do not have what it takes to take back my life, but I have more hope than earlier, so I guess it’s all about progress.
I have been making Bath Bombs and Bubble bars to sell for Valentines day so I can hopefully pay my taxes on time. If you want some, message or email me. I would appreciate it so much. I have some cute heart shaped bath bombs in a honey-oatmeal scent, some peppermint and cupcake scented bath bombs, and the bubble bars are cupcake scented as well. The are turning out quite nicely. Bombs are $4 Bubble Bars (solid bubble bath) are $6 and should last 3-4 baths, depending on the size of your tub. Shipping is extra. The Bubble Bars make TONS of soft bubbles. You can pay through Paypal. Thanks for reading and all your kind support.