Stuck!

I have not been posting much. I have not lost much weight in a while either. Currently I weight 374 pounds. So to make myself feel better about that I always declare that I have lost 163 pounds. I tell myself I don’t eat like I use to, and sometimes I blame water retention. But the fact is, I have not been perfectly on plan. I struggle eating at night. I rationalize it by saying the word “little” before describing how much of something I have had. The food I binge on at night are things like fat free cheese (30 calories) spoonful of low fat cottage cheese while standing in the door of the fridge (20-50 calories). I tell myself I’m doing good because I have not had pizza, or fast food, or chocolate cake in the last 2 years.  That unmeasured butter I smear on my toast, the pinch of shredded cheese I put in my mouth while I make a health salad all count just as much. And the days I weight in, I eat carelessly, because I do not have to weigh again for a week. I feel very shameful about this. Like Adam and Eve, I have been hiding due to my shame. I feel like I have let everyone down, including myself. I am not a moral failure, this is a disease and it needs to be treated like one. And all while I hear the clock ticking like a 40 year old childless single girl. I will be 60 this year, and obesity has ruled my entire life. But, before you all come running to my house to keep me from jumping off my roof, (which I couldn’t climb up to, in the first place)  let me tell you, I have not given up!

I will be posting more frequent and shorter posts. This blog is for accountability, not a place to brag on my suscess. You are going to get the good and the bad. Total honestly is the key to being free from the bondage of food. I had a totally abstinent day yesterday. First one in a while. To get through the night and not eat, I text 2 accountability text, and text another friend in the middle of the night. Is this extreme?  Yes it is!  My eating is extreme. So, it takes extreme measures to beat this. I’m sharpening the saw. Talk to you all tomorrow. 

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

4 thoughts on “Stuck!

  1. Debbie

    Hello precious Kathy, So good to hear from you again. Boy, do I know the blame game well. I have a million of ready made excuses as to why I can’t lose weight. I lie to myself all the time. I struggle with night eating and blame it on the TV commercials. I justify my careless eating the day of weigh in as well…kinda like I had a successful weigh in, now lets blow all my hard work in one binge. You have not let everyone down, even yourself because you do not hold us or yourself up. That is the job of our Omnipotent Father in heaven and he can handle us!!! I to turn 60 this year and declared this to be my year of deliverance. So what if I have wasted 60 years in an obese body, I still have a few good years left ahead of me. Nothing I can do about that water under the bridge. I like to think of this “disease” as the AMA calls it as sin, nothing else. Yes, my behavior may lead to a disease like diabetes or heart disease, but it is my sin, my greed, my gluttony that I induce on myself. Right now I am having success with portion control, I mean tiny gastric bypass without the surgery portion control. I have decided the only way its coming off is to force my body to feed on my fat and it is working for me. I am on Day 3 and down 2.6 pounds. Call me anytime you need something to do at night. You would be doing me a favor to keep me out of the fridge and away from those evil TV commercials. You have my number, if not FB me. Love you sister, God has us held securely in the palm of His hands…and they are big enough 😉 Deb from Georgia

    • Kathleen

      Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement. Honesty, I use to view this as sin, or gluttony. I don’t any more. I believe I have a chronic illness that needs treatment. It was a huge relief to be free from that guilt and persicusion I bestowed on myself. The grace of God frees us from all that. Not in order to eat selfdestructively, but freedom from the need to.
      I treat my illness with recovery. I have no ability to control this, but my God can, I just need to turn it over to Him. I believe I can be free from the white knuckling. But in order to do that, I have to work the 12 steps of recovery. Blessings to you!

  2. Patti

    Hi Kathy. I too struggle with night eating and have been reading a book that has helped me so much. Bright Line Eating by Susan Thompson Peirce. I believe that this was an answer to prayer for me. First time the scale has gone down in 2 1/2 yrs. I am peaceful and calm and not obsessed with food. A miracle for sure. You have done wonderful with your 163lb loss. God bless you as you continue your journey. A fellow traveler 🙂

    • Kathleen

      Oh my goodness Patti! I just started watching the videos! I have a friend doing Bright Line Eating, with great suscess. Thanks so much for the sweet words! Please keep me posted as to how you are doing. I’d love to stay in touch or even have a conversation. Blessings to you!

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