I have not been posting much. I have not lost much weight in a while either. Currently I weight 374 pounds. So to make myself feel better about that I always declare that I have lost 163 pounds. I tell myself I don’t eat like I use to, and sometimes I blame water retention. But the fact is, I have not been perfectly on plan. I struggle eating at night. I rationalize it by saying the word “little” before describing how much of something I have had. The food I binge on at night are things like fat free cheese (30 calories) spoonful of low fat cottage cheese while standing in the door of the fridge (20-50 calories). I tell myself I’m doing good because I have not had pizza, or fast food, or chocolate cake in the last 2 years. That unmeasured butter I smear on my toast, the pinch of shredded cheese I put in my mouth while I make a health salad all count just as much. And the days I weight in, I eat carelessly, because I do not have to weigh again for a week. I feel very shameful about this. Like Adam and Eve, I have been hiding due to my shame. I feel like I have let everyone down, including myself. I am not a moral failure, this is a disease and it needs to be treated like one. And all while I hear the clock ticking like a 40 year old childless single girl. I will be 60 this year, and obesity has ruled my entire life. But, before you all come running to my house to keep me from jumping off my roof, (which I couldn’t climb up to, in the first place) let me tell you, I have not given up!
I will be posting more frequent and shorter posts. This blog is for accountability, not a place to brag on my suscess. You are going to get the good and the bad. Total honestly is the key to being free from the bondage of food. I had a totally abstinent day yesterday. First one in a while. To get through the night and not eat, I text 2 accountability text, and text another friend in the middle of the night. Is this extreme? Yes it is! My eating is extreme. So, it takes extreme measures to beat this. I’m sharpening the saw. Talk to you all tomorrow.