Those of us in denial hate to hear the word denial. Dishonest people have trouble seeing that they are lying. As a fat person, I would like to believe I am honest about how much I’m eating and not in denial of my self destructive habits. But that’s not always been true.
I have a close friend, I remember her saying long long ago, that it’s an often occurrence we can rationalize away any behaviour and honestly believe ourselves that it’s true.
Dishonesty is the hardest thing to see in myself. I am ashamed of that. I want to be a good, Godly woman who spreads joy and love everywhere I go.
I have come to the conclusion the only way to be that person and not rationalize and make excuses for the things in my life I hide in shame is through total, bare naked honesty.
There is a difference between over sharing, and raw honesty. In fact, those of us who over share are actually hiding something they feel ashamed of.
I have a friend Danita, who passed away a few years ago, she and I had some powerful conversations over the years. She was beyond GORGOUS, she had a twin sister who was equally as gorgeous. These girls are 2 of my best friends. I love them like sisters. Our parents were best friends. I was their fat friend, and sometimes felt like the ugly step sister when I was with them. I was the hairdresser, the nanny to their children and because I was always feeling what made me loveable was being nice and giving, because I was not attractive. I saw these beautiful friends as shear perfection.
But Danita once told me she envied me! ME! She felt her whole value was in her beautiful looks. She wished she had the talent, personality and CONFIDENCE I had! CONFIDENCE?! What? I was her friend who got the privilege to do her hair, help here take care of her biggest comotidy, her looks! I watched the guys turn their heads when she and her sister walked in the room. I have never in my life experienced that, yet I watched it hapen to them over and over.
What she saw was a good hearted friend, who could win folks over with her personality, quick wit and humor, loaded with creativity, and a loving very loyal friend. Things I never valued about myself.
This is going to sound aweful, and only a truly loving best friend could say this with the understanding I did…..but she said, if she was overweight, like me, she was afraid there would be nothing valuable about her. She always depended on her looks. I live my life, and have lots of close friends and talents, I did not depend on being beautiful to have value. Well that was her perspective, and the mask I wore.
Of course this was not true about her, and that conversation was when we were in our early 20s, things changed as we got older. Danita had many MANY skills and talents, it was her shame that caused her to believe here worthlessness. As she matured into an adult, she showed the world her many beautiful qualities. Sadly we lost her way too soon. I miss her so much.
My shame about all the binging and self abuse had me wrapped in worthlessness. I was living in denial, and rationalized away all the eating and isolating.
Things changed for me when I became completely honest with myself. I became accountable and I believe I have climbed to a new level just recently. I wish I could streight shoot this recovery thing. I would be at a healthy weight by now and my body would not stop me from having a beautiful active weekend with people on the outside. But I’m a slow learner. But it’s coming for me, it’s been a slow process, but every day gets more and more glorious!