Out of the Dark

I have been really hard on myself lately. The scale has not moved for almost 2 months. My food could still use some tweaking. It’s so hard to change a lifetime of behaviors. I have not been posting because it’s hard to write about not losing weight and I never want to become a whiner and excuse maker. Most weight loss bloggers drop off when they stop losing or gaining. That is a lot of lonely blogs needing attention in cyber space considering successful weight loss and keeping it off is less that 1% of 1%. The odds are not in my favor. But I’m not letting that statistic defeat me! NO WAY!

I have accountability buddies, and friends whom I confide my deepest most shameful eating habits to. The secrets have to be exposed, in order to let the light in and heal. It is one of the hardest things I do. Mostly because I often don’t see my dishonesty myself. Before I get too far into this, I am not sneak eating chocolate cake, fast food, or ice cream. In fact, when I was at my highest weight, the amount of food I am currently eating would cause me to drop pounds rapidly. That is part of the reason very obese folks lose a bunch of weight, and then stall. Not because they have started eating more, but because the inaccuracy and volumes of food intake they got by with early on has caught up with them. I no longer carry that 163 pounds around that burned off so many calories. I have also noticed, due to my inactivity, and age, my muscles are not as big. My legs and arms seem unusually skinny. I sometimes feel like a “Spongebob round pants.” Since it’s our big muscles that cause the most fat to burn, I’ve slowed that down a bit. I’ll get it back, but it takes time. I can hear the clock ticking. I am into the 3rd act of my life, I have things do that my weight is standing in the way of doing.

When me or anyone struggles and confesses this, the next thing that is usually said is one or more of the sentences below;

  • “When I lost ### pounds, blah blah blah….. usually referring to past success to convince your self or others you are still capable of controlling this.
  • It’s water weight
  • Muscle weighs more that fat (no it doesn’t, pound for pound it weights the same, but muscle is a more solid mass)
  • I’m building muscles (again, false, even the hardest working body builders can’t gain 3 pounds of muscle in a week)
  • Last time I lost weight I did this………..I just need to do that again. closing down anyone who may have ideas to help you.

A weight loss plateau can be caused by many things. I have had an adjustment on my meds recently, that may be part of it. But I still know I can do better with my food. Exercise is great, but few people can exercise their fat off. An hour of walking for instance loses under 300 calories for most, and you can consume an extra 300 calories in just the condiments you use in your regular meals.

I have notices some people avoid talking on a feelings level. And this rings so true to obese folks. That’s why some of us will crack a joke, or poke fun at ourselves to avoid that level of conversation. If we say something about our fat ourselves, it relieves the awkwardness, and shuts out any hurtful comments someone else may say.

Bottom line, is, I just want to be real, open and keep moving forward. I have been painfully lonely lately. Deeply aching for family and the security of daily people in my life. I own my part in the the isolation I’m experiencing. When I got so fat, I ended up in bed and the world around me were either disgusted with me, or just moved on without me. Sometimes I feel like that old sock monkey that was left in the bottom of the toy box.

So for today, I will weight and measure every single thing I put in my mouth. I will plan my food and stick with the plan. I will contact my support people. And I will encourage someone else today.

By the Way, a very kind friend sent me the new Mandisa CD the other day. It’s called “Out of the Dark”, If you want to be encouraged, and need a second chance, I would suggest you go get that CD right away. And if you do not know who Mandisa is. Well, she was the overweight girl who tried out for American Idol, and was told by Simon that she was too fat for the show. She has overcome many obstacles in her life, and has a very successful music career. I’m so grateful for my friend, who listened to God’s voice and sent me this encouraging CD.


I’m still here  <—-click to listen


Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

4 thoughts on “Out of the Dark

  1. Amo

    You never stop inspiring me to keep moving. You are not defeated. Stalled? Yes. But not defeated. Great post, by the way.

    Love and hugs from Kansas,

  2. Dee

    Hi Kathy…I know how hard it is when the pounds don’t shift, Ive really slowed down myself in terms of pounds off since the beginning of this year. And I still fight with the binge demons, it’s so hardwired into my DNA after a lifetime of living that way, that even after periods of food sobriety I can get jettisoned off my food plan with no apparent reason or warning and my head goes right back to broken thinking. Even though I’m an ocean away I’m standing shoulder to shoulder right beside you. Keep plugging away my friend 🙂

    • Kathleen

      Thanks so much. my drive to move forward trumps my desire to quit. If I quit, I die. But it’s hard. I am grateful for you today, for helping me feel less alone. Blessings!

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