It has been 5 nights and 5 days of extreme accountability with my food. I do not think I have ever in my life tracked in such detail. If I look at doing all of this for the rest of my life it seems overwhelming. When I think of things like, the fancy smancy party I am attending over 4th of July week, and how I am going to weight and measure my food like I have this week, it makes my head whirl! And the cake! Oh my goodness! The cake will be the “piece de résistance” since the celebrated couple own one of the best bakeries this side of the Rocky Mountains.
Speaking of this Anniversary party. Have you ever looked so forward to something and at the same time terrified of it? I will be around people who I have not seen in 20 or 30 years. Some last saw me when I was on top. Some have seen the bottom, the pathetic broken and bitter side of me. They will all be attending wearing their most dapper attire, sharing pictures of their children and grandchildren. Telling about their traveling adventures and bragging about their successful children. I have none of that to share. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for my friends who are bursting with success. I love my friends. I’m just embarrassed of my life. Even though I have lost 165 pounds, Some will see the heaviest version of me because they didn’t see me in my 500 plus pound days. And of course old age has set in. My face is saggy, my hair is grey, and the years of self abuse are evident. Oh to only get back all the lost years I spent in bed, wallowing in self pity, and fear. I can only use them as a teacher, and a lesson in what really matters in life.
But my God is full of grace and sweet little surprises. I have been worrying a lot about what I will wear. I have not told this to a soul. I never want to cry “poor me” and milk favors out of my friends. But He spoke in a friend of mines ear, and she is sending me some new beautiful things to wear that she found while shopping. A lovely robe, and a pretty new top to wear on the causal get together game night. It will be ok.
I weight on Monday, I pray the scale will show some evidence of my efforts this week. If not, I will continue, trusting the fact that as I move forward in truth and honesty, that God will take care of the rest.
Blessings to all of you!