I never wanted to be one of those bloggers who vanished, and then apologized for not blogging, listing all the excused why they have been to busy to post. When in reality they stopped losing and started gained weight. But here I am, it’s been almost a month since I have blogged.
First of all, let me assure you, I have not gained an ounce. Not so sure how I’ve managed that, but my weight has basically been the same for a good 6 months. It is very rare for me to have a stall in weight loss, I am either gaining or losing. I have really beat myself up about this. The inner struggle has been torture.
I am completely put off by excuse making. When I see others making excuses I can instantly lose respect for them. Nothing is worse than hiding your shame from failure with excuses and rationalizing. I can deal with screwing up, but please own up to it. I am very hard on others who refuse to be honest with themselves and me. I believe I am that way because I spend a lot of years lying to myself, becoming a victim, and inventing any excuse I could come up with to rationalize my behavior. I loath that side of myself. I have had a lot of tragedy in my life. But, so have you! And if not, you probably will. When becoming a victim has not worked for me I would get bitter and resentful about almost everyone around me. The happier you were, the more resentful I became. Those blissful always happy folks irritated the poop out of me! I saw it as phony and superficial.
But God in his mercy always gives us what we need in that moment. He is rarely early, never late, but right on time. He knew what I needed was some extra love. One of my very best friends Danette, came to visit from Souther California. She stayed a few days with me and helped me with so much stuff around my house. I am starting to love my home once again, thanks to several people who have been generous with time and money, helping me sort through all the chaos. But most of all, she spent a lot of time loving and nurturing me. It was God sent.
Some things in life that seem ordinary are not appreciated until it’s taken from us. The simple act of waking in the middle of the night, knowing my best friend was sleeping in the living room brought me great comfort. Just waking up, and having someone in the house to drink a cup of coffee with was golden. The ordinary words good night, hold a special meaning. I had not eaten a meal, with a human, in many months. Food taste better with a friend, and the urge to binge and over eat falls aside. I am so grateful for you Danette. I will never be able to be the friend to you that you have been to me over the years. You are the definition of unconditional love. I love you deeply.
The other neat thing (I think only baby boomers use the word “neat” anymore) that happened to me this month was getting to talk with a nutritionalist. Jordan, my friend, who works with Sean and I on the weight loss group “A Better Weigh” referred him to me.
This guy looked at my age, weight, and health, plus all the meds I have been on and has formulated the balance of food I need to consume to get my metabolism going again. I trusted him, not only because he was educated, he also lived what he preached. He saved his own life through eating healthy and balanced. He was not surprised at my weight loss stalling when he looked at all the factors. I thought I was eating so healthy, and I wasn’t. I now plan my food according to the micronutrients required to wake up my body that think’s it’s starving. It takes me a while to figure all this stuff out, but I was assured it will get easier. It feels like a lot of math, kind of like those story problems we got in math class in grade school. But I am willing to give it my all.
There is a behaviors factor to consider as well, and I need to own that. I was not always weighing and measuring my food. Inaccuracy and denial can kill any weight loss efforts very quickly. I have purged my home of anything that is not on my plan, and put my accountability or high.
To all of you who are faithful readers, I really appreciate you. the support I receive is more than I deserve. I am roughly half way through my journey, I have lost 165 pounds. I wanted to be under 300 by my 60th birthday which is September 12 but things don’t always go as planned. Am I a failure? Not by any means. We only fail when we stop, and refuse to go on. Blessing to all of you!