Cricket

(The below drawing was done for me of my little dog Cricket by my dear talented  friend Jonny Binkard)

My sweet little 15-year-old Pomeranian, Cricket died at 2 AM. She had been coughing a lot, and had heart failure, but she was doing pretty good with the meds I got for her. Last night she passed out, and after that she was struggling to breath and wheezing.IMG_0420 I have a close family friend who happens to be my veterinarian as well, who came to my home and we sent her to her great reward. I am sad, but at peace. It happened so fast, but she did not suffer much until the very end. We all know that someday we have to say goodbye to our pets.

I got her the first year I was married. I did not get married until I was 44. I was that fat girl everyone loved yet never dated, I was everyone’s friend. I met Paul on the internet right after I had lost 200 pounds. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, because I thought no one else would ask me. He was a nice guy, but I was not ready to be married, and we struggled. Cricket was a rescue, she chose us, she rescued us. Both of my parents died while we were married as well as my favorite aunt who had Alzheimers and I watched over in the nursing home. Cricket was the thing that connected us. Paul loved her, and she adored him. They went everywhere together. It was endearing, seeing my 6 foot 2 inch 280 pound husband with a little black Pomeranian.  Soon shortly after we married, Paul started having grand maul seizures and we also discovered he had a serious heart problem. Paul suddenly died at work one day after we had been married only 7 years at the young age of 52. I was a 50 year old widow.

After Paul died, I gained all the weight back plus an extra 100 pounds. I closed my beauty shop and just shut down. I took some classes at the local Community College, but even that became too difficult to mobilize anymore.  I spent the next 7 years in my house, rarely getting out, and in bed most of my days. I ballooned up to 537 pounds. Nothing had a purpose, I had no purpose. I was always the caretaker, the friend, mostly in service to everyone around me. I was a hairdresser, a service job.  I loved doing that for the most part, but I forgot to take care of me as well. So when everyone died, I was lost. I felt worthless and useless. I had no purpose anymore.

I have a plethora of friends. I don’t know why I am so blessed, but I am. I don’t have any family, so I guess God filled in the missing part of my life with friends. But as thankful as I was with all the beautiful friends, I really missed family. Cricket and Lily my little maltase were my girls. They were family.  I went through the hardest parts of my life with them.

My friend all prayed for me, and kept trying to help every way they could. My survival is due to my friends who went way beyond their responsibility as a friend. Sometimes when you are loved more than you love yourself that’s all you need to see you have value.

I read on Sean Anderson’s blog “Diary of a Winning Loser” just the day before I had to let go of Cricket, about the awful accident in that parade in Oklahoma, Seans hometown. he wrote this in his blog

“Normally, no matter what happens in the world, this blog carries on without missing a beat. It’s that way for a reason. Never again will I use the tragedies of the world to excuse self-destructive behavior, as in “with everything that’s happened, it makes what I’m doing seem insignificant in the big picture. I’ll revisit this whole taking extraordinary care thing another time, when things are better.” This type of self-enabling thought process is disguised as a selfless act of concern.

How would not taking care improve what’s happened? It doesn’t. This thought process is guaranteed to keep us down, because when things get better, something else happens, somewhere.”

I remembered that reading today when I just wanted to throw in the towel and order a pizza instead of making something healthy to eat. Those words rang loud in my head.God uses broken people I am so grateful for Sean’s ability to speak his truth. People need people. We all have something to offer each other, and it often happens when we are not even trying or even aware.

Cricket was my last connection to my past life. She symbolizes so many things in my life. All things in my life are becoming new. I’m learning from my past and using the lessons I learned to push me in to my new beginning. I will remember how she laid on my bed and patiently allowed me to cry in her fur.  I will take the unconditional love my little Cricket gave so freely and see I am worth loving.

 

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

20 thoughts on “Cricket

  1. Kim Klitz

    Ok, crying again! That was so heartfelt and shows how much you loved your Cricket! Also shows how committed you are to this journey you are on. Hang in there, friend.

    • totalkathy@aol.com

      Thanks so much Kim for being there. I feel your suport. We are all in this doggy love together. And only dog lovers can understand this kind of grief. Take care dear friend, I love you!

  2. Sue

    Thank you, Kathy for sharing your world. I really don’t have any other words, except I love you. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE 😘
    Sue

    • totalkathy@aol.com

      I know your heart, so words are not necessary. I thank you for walking me through so much of this stuff. I treasure your friendship. Love you!

  3. Penny pritchard

    After reading this I bawled,it’s scary to really look at yourself.I really don’t know how to do that ,at least not for long….
    The last few years though diffrent I feel like you explained. ..my husband walked out,my children grew up,their busy with lives of their own.I’m left trying to raise 5 handicapped children…all that should be a blessing…but I feel lost a 30 yr marriage just gone it was my identity.
    Carrying for everyone was what I did.
    I was a hair dresser once to.
    This past yr (long story ) I started to stay home alot…my highest weight ever was 292 at 5’3 I was younger .
    Now this year Ive been in the house so much I’m up to 270…I slowly feel my mobility fading…I trying to find that something again that makes me loss my weight. ..it’s not there.
    I’ve thought about you all day and prayed. I have a therapy dog for post tramatic stress disorder (long story)
    I looked at her alot today. I don’t know what I’d do with out her. We have a strong connection.
    In my thoughts and prayers for you today I thanked God for where you are right now,we never want to loss our fur babies but your stronger now then in the past. …
    The hardest part for me is being a Christian and being mad that I’m heavy when I have jesus and ” should” be able to do this….
    Thank you for how open you’ve been lately.as I’m trying ” to look at myself” and face I really am this heavy and take action.you’ve really inspired me. Thank you.
    I will continue to pray for you as you adjust to your sweet furbaby being with the lord.
    Thank you

    • totalkathy@aol.com

      Such a sweet open message. You will get through it. We are all in this together. Just don’t ever give up. God is faithful. I’ll be praying for you Penny.

  4. forjrt from MFP (Becky)

    Ohhhhh, Kathy. My heart goes out to you. What a huge loss for you, and also what a powerful transition and time of letting go.

    I’m humbled that you took the time to encourage me on My Fitness Pal today even while you were in the midst of grieving for your Cricket. May God bless you richly in the days to come.

    • totalkathy@aol.com

      Thanks for the sweet message. I really appreciate you on MFP. It is such a supportive community. I’m always glad to encourage. We all need each other!

  5. Raqual

    Sad for your loss. Life changes all the time and things close off and new things open. I hope as you mourn this your life will continue to move forward in the positive direction you have been going.
    Thanks for your honest posts.

    • totalkathy@aol.com

      Raquel, your are so right. Change is inevitable, yet we do have control how we react to it. I hope you are having a nice Spring Down Under. It’s fall here and so beautiful! Blessings!

      • Raqual

        I am a summer girl, so I love Spring because the weather warms to summer and Christmas! Our seasons where I live are not as clear as seasons where you are. The weather whilst different for the 4 seasons is not as clearly different as in your country. The fall you have we don’t really have where I live. In fact we don’t even call it fall, but autumn! I have been to your beautiful land in Jan and Oct only. One day I want to see a “fall” and one day Disney in early December.
        I hope today brings you many happy and special memories of your “Cricket”.

        • totalkathy@aol.com

          I was just thinking how different a Spring Christmas must be. When we decorate for Christmas, it is usually a Winter theme. Lots of Snowmen and White Christmas. Do you Decorate Christmas with Spring Flowers? Thank you for the sweet sentiments about my sweet Cricket, it will be a bit different around her without Cricket.

          • Raqual

            We decorate pretty much the same as USA or Britain, the tree, the decorations etc are often snow / winter themed even though it is early summer come Christmas day. There are however some Christmas Cards around where Santa Claus is in shorts and and surfing, beach themed. Some families have traditional Christmas hot dinners like roasts and plum pudding and others have a BBQ or cold seafood platters. Traditionally we have a hot lunch and a cold dinner. I guess our memories are of Christmas Day being hot mostly and a lot of summer themed presents as kids. You know no different growing up with Christmas in summer, it is just our “Normal”. Kinda like driving on the opposite side of the road to you!

          • totalkathy@aol.com

            Ive always heard of plum pudding but never seen it. Do you make it? Thanks for sharing, your country has always been so intriguing!

  6. Kathy, your spirit is incredible. I’m so sorry about Cricket. Your story is powerful. You’re a survivor, having endured incredible loss–and you’re not giving up. And you’re not because you and your experience, your story has the power to inspire others in this world. Please, please–keep writing. Keep taking extraordinary care come what may. Because you’re very important. And you’re worth it.
    This post…whoa… an exceptional example of strength and perseverance over a hand most would fold a long time ago.
    Never give up. Keep writing. More epiphanies will come along the way.
    A lot of people are afraid to share sometimes, because it can create feelings of vulnerability. But daring to do it and being courageous gets you to the other side, where vulnerability transforms into strength. And as you write throughout your transformation, remember–there is no right or wrong when it comes from the heart, like this. It’s always right.
    Thank you for what you do. Thank you for sharing my blog with others.
    Mostly–thank you for not giving up.
    My best always–Sean

    • totalkathy@aol.com

      Sean, Thanks so much for the sweet message. I really can’t tell you how glad I am to have connected with you. You have a powerful story as well. I feel less alone in all this. I just watched your video on the scale, you always give me something to think about. Blessings!

  7. Dee

    Kathy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My dog is so loved and I can only imagine your pain. I’ll be thinking about you, stay strong lovely lady.
    Dee xx

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