The Break up

 

Unknown

I have been reflecting a lot lately. This time of year always does that to me. Most people with family are so busy planning for the holidays they don’t have as much time to think as I do. I have felt very meloncholy the last few days. In fact I have been very weepy, still greiving losses from years ago, wishing some of those losses were filled with new things, and regretting the time I spent feeling sorry for myself. The feelings are there, how I act on them is still my choice. I choose to move on and stop wallowing in my pity. I spent a lot of years wallowing in my own crap. It was my crap, and it was warm, and familiar, but it was still crap and yes, it stunk!

I am still not where I want to be in my head about food. I still find myself stratigizing how I can get more “bang for my buck”. Before you get concerned, I am not falling off, I am just trying to sharpen the saw. I fear failing, because I am dangerously obese, and failing is death to me. I have to be meticulous right now.  Honestly, I do not think there is any standing still in this relationship I have with food. There is and never will be an arrival. This is not like shampooing your hair; wet, rinse, repeat. Everyday is a new and different challenge. I have found that as long as I keep my head forward, and take one step at a time, all else falls in place. God puts right what I need in my path at that perfect moment. But it’s important for me to remain open to what is before me and not step over it.

For instance, yesterday I was really struggling with that cloud of sadness over me. I have been weepy for days. I got the kindest message from a former pastor offering support and encouragement, commending me for my success. This was the little nudge I needed to feel hope in the very moment I was questioning myself. It was very gracious of him, since he has seen me at my worst, when I was most bitter and resentful spewing my pain on all those around me. For someone to see hope in you when they have seen you at your worst, it a gift. I was humbled.

So I move on, in spite of my tears. I just let them fall, yet continue the commitment on this path to good health. I keep telling myself feelings are just feelings, but I do not need to act on them, just feel them.

So this comes back to my love affair with food. I believe love is a choice, whether it be food or a lover. I choose life regardless of my affection for food. It is the worst relationship I have ever been in. break-upFood has lied to me, broke promises. Destroyed my future, and is never reliable. It has robbed me and abused me. I can not trust it’s promises. The fantasy I have in my head how it will enhance my life is all fictional. Right when I think food is going to be there to bring relief and joy, it either failed to show up, or disappoints. The short moments of pleasure it has brought have never lasted, always leaving me disappointed. Food is so demanding, it is like a jealous boyfriend everyone can see me in this self destructive relationship, but I am in denial of how critical it is, to the point of isolation and sneaking around to be with my lover, food. It demands all my attention and focus. I am exhausted, the pleasure it brings is no comparison to the destruction it creates. I see the carnage it leave behind me and many of my foodie friends. The lives it has destroyed. How it has paralyzed so many. I’ve seen relationships with food destroying marriages, like a cheating spouse or turning spouses into caretakers, robbing both of the relationship they once had. Or like in my case, isolation that went from weeks, to months, to years of missing out on life.

I will always need food in my life, but it has to take a back seat to the real prize. Life

 

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

7 thoughts on “The Break up

  1. Bravo- love your writings- so powerful. Keep up the good work and one step at a time. Food will never be as pretty as you will be once you hit your goal. I think you are pretty now- look out world we are going to be stunned. I love your precious heart. You have so much love to give to this world. Write down your bucket list and lets see those dreams unravel. Love you, sweetie.

    • totalkathy@aol.com

      You have always been supportive, and I appreciate it so much. I’d love to coffee again if you are ever this way. Love you! ❤️

  2. Sue

    I continue to pray for you and hope you know you can pick up the phone and dial my number. It never matters the time of day, because if I’m sleeping I turn it to vibrate and don’t hear it. My other “Sisters” call my voicemail and spew and vent. When I wake up and hear those messages I am so grateful someone has done the same for me in the past and that others continue to help me out today. It’s what we “Sisters” do for one another. Then we turn around and pass it forward. I’m at the other end of the dial tone❣Sue

  3. Hi Kathy!

    I hope you distinguish sugar, processed foods, and perhaps even wheat from foods in general, in your mind, when you berate ‘food’ this way. Whole, natural foods; meats, veggies, nuts, seeds, cheese if you aren’t lactose intolerant; all good foods. Good for you, and won’t let you down, as long as you don’t saturate them in lots of sauces. I just want to make that distinction. Because we can’t hate all food. Without it we die. I’m sure you know all this, but you were very general about ‘food’, and I just wanted to see perhaps focusing it down more to the wrong foods, not food in general. 😉

    I hope your spirits lift soon. I find that the less sugar and grains I eat, the more even keeled, emotionally, I am. 🙂

    Have a good weekend!

  4. Caron

    Hi Kathy,

    I read about you when Sean Anderson mentioned you on his blog. So, I came over to read your story. I’ve been in maintenance for close to 13 years, and you are right — “There is and never will be an arrival.” Getting to goal weight is great, but then you continue to do what you’ve already been doing for quite some time.

    I did great for six years, but then had a two year period when I was never at goal weight. I gained back some of the weight, but thankfully did not gain everything back. After two years at a very stressful job, I got back to my goal weight and have been doing well since. I’m enjoying reading your blog very much and just wanted to let you know you have another follower. 🙂

    • Kathleen

      Caron, thank you so much for the encouraging note. Your suport means the world to me, esepally now when I am so isolated. It is very encouraging to hear suscess stories like yours. It gives so much hope. Thanks again for contacting me. I promise to always keep it real! ❤️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *