I have to be honest here, the week has been really hard. I do not write this to gain any sympathy. Do not feel sorry for me. I will be fine, I will be more than fine, I will be whole. Hard is not bad. hard, is just…well, hard, and sometimes you can not avoid it. I have no family, none. No family to spend holidays with. It’s hard, but I am not the only person on the planet in this situation. It also does not mean that its forever. This deep loneliness and isolation has an end.
It seems to me when we make great accomplishments or gain great stride, we have to go through the fire to get there. I am going through the fire right now, and it’s not pretty. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I have cried buckets of tears this week, grieving losses, by either death or just friends who have fallen by the wayside. Some losses were my responsibility from making bad choices, some were just life, and some were just human conflict. The loneliness has been deeper than I ever thought loneliness could be. But I am surviving it, and not hiding in fear.
I have been let down by many whom I trusted like family, but one choice I have not made this year, is letting myself down. The payoff from that is huge. I have a very long way to go with my weight loss. At least 200 pounds, but each pound is slowly making me stronger, physically and emotionaly. I am learning volumes about myself with every pound that I lose. I have given myself back the gift of self respect. I never put much value on my self respect until I gave it away.
Arrogance and self respect are 2 different animals. Arrogance demands validation and to be noticed. Real arrogance is insecurity wrapped in a pretty package. Self respect needs no validation. Self respect knows it’s value already, and is grateful. Self respect frees us to serve and love each other because we are no longer emotionally needy. There is great contentment in gaining your self respect. Contentment trumps happiness because it is not fleeting.
The good thing is, I am surviving it! I am alive, I got up this morning, I have eaten healthy all week. I am making progress, and the sacrifices are soon to pay off huge dividends. I am not perfect, and I am learning along the way. Unlike many times when I have proclaimed that I was not perfect to excuse my lack of effort, my imperfections are all teachers for me. I value my imperfection. I take each stumble and flaw and embrace it, examining what I could learn from each experience.
So what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving, when most answer their family and loved ones? I am thankful for my imperfections, I am grateful for self respect, and I am mostly grateful that life is hard. All of these lessons are gifts from God. Blessings to all of you!