Christmas Miracle

I had to push myself to get out of bed and get my day going today. I do not like this middle place I am in. But I know it’s going to be a while before my body changes enough to really get out there and live my life again. I need to push myself a little more than I am right now. I can do more. The biggest struggle right now is the intense isolation. I never minded alone time, I was the kind of kid who was content playing alone. One of the hardest adjustment being married, was I never had the house to myself.

My Parents

My Parents

Family picture with Richard Simmons in my Beauty shop 1997

Family picture with Richard Simmons in my Beauty shop 1997

But being alone is not the same as being lonely. Many married people with lots of family feel like I do. Years ago when I was so busy taking care of others be it doing hair, or care taking my folks, and dear Aunt Lindy.

My sweet little Aunt Lindy, who I shared my love of coffee with.

My sweet little Aunt Lindy, who I shared my love of coffee with.

I avoided taking care of myself. I used food and spending money as a false means to self care, it was never satisfying.

My loneliness is a deep craving to be with humans on a day to day bases. I want people to be in that rhythm of life with me. Does anyone out there understand this? Some tell me they envy all the alone time I get to have, because they are overwhelmed with people and care-taking. I am sure that is true. I think if I had people charging in and out of my life randomly without a break I might feel the same. But this is a bit different.

having a purpose helps us be productive, and being productive gives us a sense of worth and value. And even thought you may dread going to work every morning, it gives you a lot more than a paycheck. That’s why a lot of retired people gather for coffee every morning. It gives them a purpose and a rhythm to their life. I think a lot of disabled folks have this problem but are not aware of it. It’s so easy to get focused on yourself and your struggles when you spend days on end alone. You can get negative very easily, and can become whiney. I sometimes go a week without seeing a human. I’m a people person, I perk up around people, my Mother was the same.

This time of year is horrible if you are alone. Everything on TV is about Christmas and family. There is no break from it. Christmas reminds me of what I have lost. The loved ones that are now dead. The family I never got to have but so desperately wanted. The years I wasted wallowing in self pity, resentment and shut down. The friends I miss, the valuable relationships I failed to nurture properly and lost. I just want January to get here so I can move past it.

This very moment in my life in time, I will look back as a Christmas Miracle. I am in the mud, struggling to take even one step, while I see everyone around me having a party. it feels like I am moving slow motion and alone. But in the big picture, the baby steps I am taking are giant steps. Pivotal moments that will have an effect on the rest of my life. I feels like I am failing, standing still, and have no purpose. But this is my Christmas miracle, I am changing, and the real miracle is, that God had put before me what I needed at the very moment I needed it. But he won’t do that unless I take these steps. God is not a Sugar Daddy. There is purpose in doing everything we can trusting God will help us do the impossible. If He dropped what we wanted in our laps ahead of time, we would not need faith, we would never try. When we wait we build endurance, and tenacity. We get stronger.  The struggles we use to labor and move forward,  soon become little bumps in the road. But we have to have faith. The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.

Sometimes as I write I think, Oh man, I am being too intense and negative. I am going to lose my readers. I read so many blogs that post only success and positive things. But honestly, I blog for me, first and foremost. These are the hurdles I am struggling with. This is my reality. I don’t think anyone lost a great amount of weight, and kept if off without some deep internal examination. There is so much to untangle.

Once again, I need to say, please do not feel sorry for me. I am not milking sympathy. Hard does not mean I’m in trouble or something bad. Hard is just hard. Hard is growth, and in our hardest moments sometimes the biggest miracles happen. Christmas miracles.

wings-like-eagles

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

One thought on “Christmas Miracle

  1. Sue

    Thank you for this post, Kathy. I have felt just the opposite. The last couple of weeks felt like I was putting everyone and everything before my own needs. Having your codependent (but wonderful) mother living with you will do that to you. I’m learning to be patient with her “needs.” And can feel guilty because I’m losing patience. But this week it hit me hard. I realized on Wednesday morning that I was getting angry and just wanted to sit in my living room and enjoy the sunshine streaming in. Mom needed to talk. I had to leave the room and call my sponsor. I love that she can simplify it by saying, “You need some alone time to recharge your batteries!” She was right. I shut myself in my bedroom for the better part of the last 2 days. I had a nap yesterday and today. I believe if I had not stopped to care for myself the Lyme would have me incapacitated.

    I have learned, although I often forget, that I have to listen to my body. I believe God talks to me in this way. Is it possible your sponsor would tell you the opposite of mine? That you need to use up what power your body has stored? In whatever ways possible? Can you keep track of the # of steps you take in your day and use that to help track your progress? There really isn’t a need to wait till January to start. Today is as good a day as any other. And it’s all about 1 step at a time. I’m so grateful I isolated, because now I might be able to face the weekend before Christmas – usually the busiest time of the year for my Sisters. Love you❣ You are doing it. One breath at a time.
    Sue

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