I had to push myself to get out of bed and get my day going today. I do not like this middle place I am in. But I know it’s going to be a while before my body changes enough to really get out there and live my life again. I need to push myself a little more than I am right now. I can do more. The biggest struggle right now is the intense isolation. I never minded alone time, I was the kind of kid who was content playing alone. One of the hardest adjustment being married, was I never had the house to myself.
But being alone is not the same as being lonely. Many married people with lots of family feel like I do. Years ago when I was so busy taking care of others be it doing hair, or care taking my folks, and dear Aunt Lindy.
I avoided taking care of myself. I used food and spending money as a false means to self care, it was never satisfying.
My loneliness is a deep craving to be with humans on a day to day bases. I want people to be in that rhythm of life with me. Does anyone out there understand this? Some tell me they envy all the alone time I get to have, because they are overwhelmed with people and care-taking. I am sure that is true. I think if I had people charging in and out of my life randomly without a break I might feel the same. But this is a bit different.
having a purpose helps us be productive, and being productive gives us a sense of worth and value. And even thought you may dread going to work every morning, it gives you a lot more than a paycheck. That’s why a lot of retired people gather for coffee every morning. It gives them a purpose and a rhythm to their life. I think a lot of disabled folks have this problem but are not aware of it. It’s so easy to get focused on yourself and your struggles when you spend days on end alone. You can get negative very easily, and can become whiney. I sometimes go a week without seeing a human. I’m a people person, I perk up around people, my Mother was the same.
This time of year is horrible if you are alone. Everything on TV is about Christmas and family. There is no break from it. Christmas reminds me of what I have lost. The loved ones that are now dead. The family I never got to have but so desperately wanted. The years I wasted wallowing in self pity, resentment and shut down. The friends I miss, the valuable relationships I failed to nurture properly and lost. I just want January to get here so I can move past it.
This very moment in my life in time, I will look back as a Christmas Miracle. I am in the mud, struggling to take even one step, while I see everyone around me having a party. it feels like I am moving slow motion and alone. But in the big picture, the baby steps I am taking are giant steps. Pivotal moments that will have an effect on the rest of my life. I feels like I am failing, standing still, and have no purpose. But this is my Christmas miracle, I am changing, and the real miracle is, that God had put before me what I needed at the very moment I needed it. But he won’t do that unless I take these steps. God is not a Sugar Daddy. There is purpose in doing everything we can trusting God will help us do the impossible. If He dropped what we wanted in our laps ahead of time, we would not need faith, we would never try. When we wait we build endurance, and tenacity. We get stronger. The struggles we use to labor and move forward, soon become little bumps in the road. But we have to have faith. The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.
Sometimes as I write I think, Oh man, I am being too intense and negative. I am going to lose my readers. I read so many blogs that post only success and positive things. But honestly, I blog for me, first and foremost. These are the hurdles I am struggling with. This is my reality. I don’t think anyone lost a great amount of weight, and kept if off without some deep internal examination. There is so much to untangle.
Once again, I need to say, please do not feel sorry for me. I am not milking sympathy. Hard does not mean I’m in trouble or something bad. Hard is just hard. Hard is growth, and in our hardest moments sometimes the biggest miracles happen. Christmas miracles.