It’s been a month of self examination. Being humbled like I was last Saturday by the kindness of my community was a huge teacher for me. Today it continues.
I have been getting some really great Christmas cards in the mail. I love how the trend is to send pictures, and people are so clever with there Christmas letters. Another thing I detested when I was miserable and fatter. When I was in my deepest self pity, I saw those Christmas letters as an excuse to express their “Bragitude”. It was horrible reading about everyone’s happy lives and seeing their beautiful families and children I craved to have of my own, in my life. It would spiral me to a place that by Christmas Day I couldn’t even get out of bed. I would just wallow in self pity, and jealousy.
I got a letter from some very close friends, who have a Great Dane dog. The letter was written from the Dogs perspective, HILARIOUS! It was by far the funniest Christmas letter EVER!
I have gotten some really kind and generous gifts of cash, and Starbucks gift cards in the mail. It is like gold to me. The gifts are so kind and generous, but the love and suport behind them are so much unconditional love, I can’t wrap my head around. Undeserving love. No, really. I had a stinky bitter attitude. I was so broken, and felt so hopeless. I could not stand to see some of the people in my life happy and living a life I craved so much, and somehow could not give myself. You are not responsibility for my happiness.
Some of the very people I was so bitter toward are the ones that have loved me at my ugliest. It takes a person with great integrity to love someone when they have been rude to you, whined and complain all the time, plus played the role of the victim. I was also an expert at justifying all my bad choices and selfishness. Pretty convincing too. I have lost some really good friends over this. Some people could not watch me self destruct. They had to just walk away. I don’t blame them, I might have done the same. I abused relationships, let myself go, and blamed everyone and everything else for my misfortune. I did not really carry a sense of entitlement, as much as played the pitiful friend, and guilted everyone into feeling sorry for me.
So this is what I want to say to those who I have,… well, abused in my life. I am sorry. You owe me nothing. I forgive your choice to walk out of my life, I am seeing the truth of what you had to deal with. I was manipulating at times, guilting you into being there for me. I am sorry I did not take care of myself very well. You are not responsible to rescue me. I am sorry, please forgive me?
I do have one request; Some people with the best intentions, say things without thinking it through. Please do not email me and remind me of the way you viewed me or how pathetic you thought I was when I was in the self destructive time in my life. I regret it, I grieve the time I wasted that I will never get back. Reminding me of my transgressions does not help. If you forgive me, thank-you. If not, I understand.
I am learning to set boundaries, and take better care of myself. Not every relationship can or should go back to where it was. Sometimes its enough to forgive yet keep your ways politely parted. I am not asking for restoration. only forgiveness. I have opened the doors to my Facebook page and unblocked everyone that at the time upset me. I only want peace.
To those of you who have been there all along, and are still there cheering me along, I will be eternally grateful. I will not be a burden to you any longer, I will take care of myself so you won’t feel you have to. I own my transgressions. I am cleaning up my life, not just physically, but every other area too. This will take time, but progress is being made and will continue. God has big plans for my life. I will spend the rest of my days paying back the grace that was given to me.
Cleaning out the cobwebs in your life and owning your faults is very humiliating. But if I truly want to have a better life it has to be done. Like that dust on your ceiling fan, it just grown and clings on to itself if you don’t keep it clean. It requires maintenance, not just a one time sweep. I intend on maintaining my relationships, showing gratitude, and admitting when I have done wrong. I am sure I will flub up from time to time, but I will never let it build up like that again. The shame it brings paralyzed me, and left me ineffective.
Be blessed my friends! I appreciate you more that ever now days. Hug your families and thank God you have each other.