When I was at my highest weight, I spent the majority of my time wishing I could go back in time. I would have given anything to get back the days when I had lost 200 pounds, and the people I love the most were still alive. When I was in that time in my life I still honestly never felt satisfied. I still felt a hole in my heart. Because if I was not stuffing that hole in my heart with food, I was trying to find it in relationships, status, or making myself likable to others. Joy has to come from within. I feel that completeness today, more than I ever did at my lowest weight. But when the weight was gained back, and losses happened in my life, I wanted a do-over, thinking I would be happy.
I felt if I could go back in time, I would appreciate what I had and be happy. But, living in the past is no way to live. We can never go back, there are no do-overs in life. That does not mean we missed the boat to happiness. But life has changed, and even if I could go back, it would never be the same. We can only learn from it. Is all we can do is cherish the sweet memories. Many of my friends comment on how good my memories is of times gone by. That may be so, but it’s also because I have lived too many of my days reminiscing of the past.
I spent a lot of time this year dreaming of my future. It is what kept me going for many months, when just walking to the bathroom was an aerobic exercise at over 500 pounds. Visualizing my future, was what motivated me, and gave me hope. But we can get stuck dreaming as well, if we do not embrace the moment we are in. My body put my life on hold until I could start moving around a bit. But now it’s time to start living.
Change is hard, and it’s impossible to run from. As we get older change gets harder to adapt to. But those who do, seem to live a much more fulfilled life. There is only one thing I can think of that never changes, if you have faith, and believe in God, you realize God never changes. I am grateful that God is always a never changing anchor in my life. If you have no faith in God, I pray you have an anchor you can hang onto when the winds start to blow around you, because that wind will blow, sometime in your life, you need something solid to hang onto.
I am committed to doing more living in today. My body really held me back from doing much of that, and still does a bit, but with the 118 pounds lose, I can do more than I could 10 months ago. There is not a day on the calendar that says, when I lose X amount of pounds, I can start to live my life. There is plenty of living I can do right now. Just like there is not certain number on that scale that when you hit it, you suddenly become happy. Thats why numbers on the scale are only numbers. Important enough to give us tangible proof of our progress, but not capable of being our joy or value as a human being. Thats why for me, the “soon to be day”, I see my weight in the 300s, I will feel great progress and accomplishment. Yet some of you would jump off the roof of your house if you were in the 300’s. It’s only a chart, showing progress, not the prize.
So it’s time to push myself out of my comfort zone and fears. I will be going to the Y to swim the beginning of next month. I am apprehensive, and a bit scared. But I have to do it, I have to start living. I am grateful for my friends Diana and Pat who are willing to go with me to the Y. The part that is the hardest, is not the swimsuit issue, I will wear a t-shirt over it. But for me it’s the long walk, even from the handicapped parking, across the parking lot, up the long sidewalk, through the building back into the swimming pool. But I can do it, and take my time, plus I won’t be alone. God always puts what I need in front of me at the moment I need it. He is never late, and never early. Sometimes I wish He would be early, but then I would not need to trust Him.
I am also going to get back to attending church. My spiritual core is solid, but I need the social interaction of like minded people. There is a power and strength that comes from corporate worship. Some of the people in my church have been unbelievably supportive. Way beyond what is required. I am so grateful for these beautiful men and women of God.
So lets all march past our fears, and apprehensions and move bravely into the next year. Trusting it to be the best year ever! Blessings to all!