I have always preached that I will always be honest with you, sometimes painfully honest. So here it is, the painful part.
I had a slip this week. Some of you might think it’s no big deal, and tell me to just move on, some may be disappointed in me. All I know is I need to come clean with all of you, and I want to use this as a teacher, not a step down that slippery slope. I only know secrets exacerbate problems, instead of fixing them. But here’s what happened.
I had ordered some special Swedish treats from an internet site, that I order from every years. I got my Bondoast Cheese, some Lingonberries, and some Swedish Chocolates. I got the ones that were individual wrapped, thinking I could eat one or two, count the calories, and have a little treat once in a while. I put them in the freezer outside in my garage.
All was well, until the other night when I was thinking about those chocolates. I couldn’t get them off my mind.
I went out to the garage on a cold night, and what was intended to grab a couple of them, I grabbed the whole bag.
I had my 3 chocolates (120 calories) then 3 more, 3 more….soon the bag was gone and I was hiding wrappers. I then fell into a sugar coma, falling asleep for short times, with incredible pain in my belly. I planned on keeping this secret to my grave. Then getting back on track the next day. But fear crept in, i knew I needed to come clean. I knew I had to deal with this head on, secrets like this for me become infested, growing, instead of dissipating.
So much self talk, I laid in bed until noon. wishing I could just sleep the day away. But I do not have the luxury of putting my life in neural. I respect all who have weight to lose and are making efforts to do so, no matter how much or what process they go through to get there. But for me, being morbidly obese, it is critical that I stay very carefully on track. I will die, like many of my obese friends if I do not get a grip on this, TODAY. Not next year, or next Monday, but TODAY. My recovery from over eating is every bit as important as someone on dialysis or chemo therapy. In fact, the chances of surviving cancer, it greater than living a life of morbid obesity. These are facts, no one wants to talk about. They bring on feelings of shame, fear, and embarrassment. But I am willing to feel some humiliation to gain a healthy life.
So, what steps have I taken to recover from this? First I talked one on one to 2 trusted friends. People who I knew would be bare naked honest with me, but with my interest at heart. You see, it does not hurt to be honest with people that care and love you. These two people are a soft place to run to. They have committed to be there for me, so I can trust them. I shared what I did, then LISTENED! the listening part is very important. With trusted friends, there is no need to rationalize your behavior, or defend yourself, because there is no judgement. it is very important to listen to the guidance of someone who had been through what you are experiencing. You can not have these kind of trusting relationships without honesty. It is a huge comfort, and helps me feel less alone. These relationships require nurturing, and maintaining, in order to keep the honesty fluid.
The next step was to forgive myself and think about what I could do different, so this does not happen again. One being, of course, never to buy non-negotiable food, thinking I can have it in small doses. I have claimed not to have a sugar addiction, but I believe now that I do. It’s a switch I did not realize I had. Once flipped, the switch shorts out and I can not flip it back off. I know this now, and will set boundaries regarding sugar. Some of my friends who have success losing weight, eat no refined sugar at all, not even in ketchup, or pizza sauce. Some just stay away from candy, and pastries, or anything with concentrated amounts. I believe I fall between here somewhere. I will be carefully defining my boundaries.
The hardest part was writing this. You don’t know how bad I want to be your hero and inspire all of you faithful readers. It feels so good to inspire, and be looked at as a role model. But a hero I am not. I am just Kathleen a hairdresser from Nebraska. I am equal with all of you, we are all on the same playing field, regardless of how much we have to lose, or how much we lose. We all struggle with the one pound before us. I will most probably have more struggles ahead. I will promise to always be honest, and I will use you to lean on in the hard times and celebrate the victories along the way.
I am excited for the year to come. I am certain that I will be making great progress and the physical struggles of my life will lesson, I will always have to stay on my toes, for there is no arrival, only progress. I am so anxious to get out there and live. lets all make 2016 the best year ever. The sacrifices are so small in comparison to the reward ahead. I wish you all good health and blessings in the coming year.