Fear

 

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So much of my struggles in my life have been fear based. In fact it has taken my lifetime to realize the extent of it in my life.

When I was in my 30s and 40s, I feared losing the people in my  life that were dear to me. Being single, that was my parents. They always struggles with health issues, and I was emotionally, and  (not so healthy) dependent on them, mostly my Mom. I was the emotional love tank she drew from. I do not mean to disrespect my parents, they were truly amazing people, but not perfect. And today I embrace those imperfections. But, she was very insecure, always worried and stressed about everything, and always shared those fears with me. My father was not one to share feelings. In fact, he was so shut down emotionally, he struggles with bleeding ulcers during most of my childhood years. So, starting at a very young age, my Mom latched onto me for emotional support as well as an emotional outlet. It’s not fair to put that much emotional dependency on a child, I felt very loved, but also felt the weight of my mom’s happiness on my shoulders.

There were a lot of unspoken rules that I adapted because of this. I never felt I could come home and tell her about the kids at school that were making fun of me on the way home. I guarded her feelings. I knew she felt responsible for me being an obese kid, and helpless as to what to do about it. So, as an adult this exasperated, I became her care taker, emotionally and physically. I remember cutting hair in my beauty shop, and when an ambulance or fire truck drove by, I would stop what I was doing and call their home to see if she was ok. And if I could not reach her, I would go into a full blown panic.

Needless to say, my soft place to run to was food. I am sure many of you can relate to this. I see a very strong common thread like this with many people who are obese and especially morbidly obese. When my folks, husband, and everyone I loved died, I had nothing left to fear, my purpose was over, and that is when I shut down, stayed in bed, and ate myself up to 537 pounds.

I have a lot of self awareness regarding how I deal with fear. Knowing this, I can work through it. But it’s not easy. It’s much better because I have tools and an army of support people to help me deal with it.

Because I have experienced this, I can easily recognize those who live in so much fear that it paralyzes their life. Like I did, they bury their heads in the sand, become needy, or fall into deep denial. Sometimes it turns into resentment, mine certainly did. Or anger, or sarcasm. Fear wears so many masks and even layers of masks.

This morning I woke up with a fear of a financial matter I needed to deal with. I had been procrastinating dealing with this for a long time. I wanted to just pull the covers over my head and not deal with it. But after a lot of prayer and self talk, I didn’t do that. I got up and going, made coffee images(important) and made the phone calls needed to resolve the issue. Funny thing, the thing I worried so much for weeks about, did not happen. I had just enough money to cover (property taxes) and let me tell you the feeling of confidence I gained turned my day completely around.

It is so hard to face your monsters. Sometimes it feels like you will die. Believe me I know, but when you do, the pay off is life changing. The saying ” If you don’t try you will never know” is so true. putting something off, or hiding fear behind the many facades we use only magnifies the problem.

Be brave today, just do one little things that pushes you past your fears, you won’t believe what a catalyst that can be to bring you to a courageous, peaceful place in your life.  That drive to run to food for comfort leaves, and it allows so many joyful experiences and people to enter your life again.

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Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

10 thoughts on “Fear

  1. cindi roushia

    This is a wonderful post, I can see myself in this so much. You made very good points, thank you for the great advice. I definitely
    need to be more brave and I will!

  2. Kim Klitz

    Kathy, This is the best blog I have read from you so far because it is showing so much progress in your thinking. I LOVED it! You sound so upbeat and positive and much more confident in this one than any other blog you have posted so far. That is just my opinion, but it made me smile BIG to realize you had such a signficant thing happen today. Such a weight off your mind makes you feel so much better, huh? Love you girl!

  3. I started getting bigger in high school. I grew up in a loveless home, physical and verbal abuse and food filled those empty places. At 57 I have a lot of fears and I know I shouldn’t. Your post made me start to think about those fears and why I have them and how I can deal with them instead of just accepting them or not addressing them. Have a lovely day!

    • Kathleen

      We are never to old to walk through fears we have carried in our lives, no matter how old the fear is. And we do not have to walk through it alone. And we don’t have to face them all at once today, baby steps is how we get through it. Start small and work up! Blessings!

  4. Linda Campbell

    Again Kathy, what you wrote was profound. Most people can’t walk through their life experiences with the depth of personal insight and perception that you have developed . You have the gift, the ability to see and sort through the insidious blind spots that inhibit us from being whole, that keep us from finding OUR truth and purpose…When we find our purpose we find some inner peace… AMAZINGLY it can be so simple once we clear the blind spots. Maintaining that inner peace is the kicker….write on BEAUTIFUL ANGEL

    • Kathleen

      Thanks Linda, I think the insight comes from being alone to think so much. My life has not been cluttered with family, and relationships on the inside. I’m glad to have the self awareness I do have. I don’t have anyone to compare myself with. So my growth has come from the inside. Take care my friend!

  5. I have been thinking about fear a lot lately, and how it drives most of my decision-making. This really resonated with me. I’m trying to be less anxious, more brave. It is an uphill battle for me, for sure.

    • Kathleen

      It is hard to keep moving forward in-spite of your fears. But until we move past it we can’t grow. The beauty is when were do look it in the face it is almost magical what it does to our confidence and self esteem. Be brave, my friend!

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