We are getting hit by a giant blizzard here in Nebraska. There is 11 inches of snow on the ground, which is really not that big of a deal, but combine that with 45 MPH winds, It had basically shut down the whole community. When the weather channel is doing remotes in your town, you know its a bad snowstorm.
I use to love a good blizzard. It meant staying inside, all day in your jammies, watching movies all day, and eating whatever I wanted. There seems to be this unspoken rule some of us have, that if you are snowed in, eating anything and as much of it as you want was OK. Well not any more!
This is probably the first time ever in my life that I have been snowed in and not eating my way to a frenzy. It feels good. I have to admit I thought about taking a “day off” today. But instead of just acting on my impulse, I thought of how much damage it would do to my progress. Really, what’s the point? There is not much payoff in over eating. I feel sick and guilty afterwards. And it brings so much self doubt as to if I can really stay on this and get to a heathy weight.
A huge victory for me is that I put sox on today when my feet got cold. It is humbling to admit, but at 537 pounds, I lived with cold feet, unless I was under the covers. There are things that I am getting back that the normal weight person takes for granted.
I know this sounds weird to say, but I am grateful for being over 500 pounds at one time. The simple things I am grateful for, and the self awarenesses have been earth shattering. I do not believe God cursed me with being over weight, but I do believe he has used this season of my life to sit still and listen to Him.
When you can’t even roll over in bed very well, the only thing you can do it listen. I have had to dig deep to find my self worth at my highest weight. You see, until I realized I was worth saving, and that my Abba Father (some believe this is the word for Daddy, I like to think it is) loves me, I did not believe I was worth saving. This puts getting healthy into a whole new perspective. It is no longer about food choices, and recipes, it is about seeing your value, if you are lovable, and your ability to be productive. But most of all, I was created for a purpose.
So tonight as I sit on my bed, writing this blog, with my warm sox on, and the snow and wind blowing around my toasty little house, I am so grateful that I no longer need to shove food down that empty hole in my soul. I feel complete, and I know I am loved and my life has purpose, it has to, because I am still here.
Only until I realized this, did I believe I was worth saving.