It’s been 17 nights I have slept all the way through without getting up in the middle of the night and binge eating. For that I am very grateful. I didn’t talk about it much because I was a bit ashamed, and honestly, I did not want to let go of my dirty little secret.
I did not realize it until I had a few days of abstinence under my belt. Denial is something I am rarely aware of. Deep honesty, with myself gets peeled off in layers. I guess because if we cut deep into it right away, we would not be able to handle it. So little by little, as long as I continue moving forward, the layers of denial get peeled away.
As in anything in life, when we make personal progress, is all we see is the challenge in front of us and sometimes can’t get a real grip of our progress and growth. The scale tells me I am making progress. It is the biggest tangible proof of what direction I am going. I know a lot of you have issues with the scale and do not weight yourselves much. I get that, I was never one to jump on the scale 6 times a day. I was the one that refused to get on it. As long as I did not know the number, I did not gain. You won’t believe this, but I remember once joining Weight Watchers for the 100th time and having to get on the scale for the first time in ages. I believed I was in the 300’s. Come to find out when I got on the scale I was over 400 pounds! I was shocked! Imagine being 100 pounds more that what you actually believed you were. How does that even happen? That’s Denial it it’s truest form. Weighing weekly for me, is one of the non-negotionables that my friend Sean Anderson calls. It is as important as tracking my food on My Fitness Pal every day. It keeps me honest.
Have you ever been through something, or made progress and suddenly you see your old self in someone? It’s like the old saying, “You can’t kid and kidder”. We immediately recognize our old behaviour in someone else. It has taken me a while to know how to handle this. At first I wanted to point out to those friends what they need to change in their lives.I thought I was doing them a favor. But then I remember, everyone has to peel their layers off at their own pace. Just like I did. There are no short cuts. Never give advice unless asked. It’s important to respect everybody’s process. Other wise, we appear to be a know-it-all, and give off airs of superiority. I’ve done that more times than I want to admit. No one likes a know-it-all.
So today I will keep my own side of the street clean. I won’t be telling the guy across the street how to maintain his business. I won’t compare myself to others, I won’t get jealous, I will be grateful for the progress made. And if ever, I think I am superior because of my progress, I pray I will remember how hard and fast we can fall. There is no arrival, only progress. As my friend Gerri says, “we are all just bozo’s on the bus”.