Disappointment

the-beauty-is-that-through-disapointment-you-can-gain-clarity-and-with-clarity-comes-conviction-and-true-originality-disappointment-quote

 

I stepped on that scale today after a stellar week, and, NOTHING. I am 6 pounds away from being under 400 pounds. I have to admit this is a HUGE let down. I can not tell you how badly I wanted to announce a nice loss today. I want to be a shiny example of suscess. I wanted to encourage and inspire all of you who read this blog. But I can only be me, and promise to always be honest. You are stuck with me, which includes my victories as well as disappointments.

I have not been under 400 pounds since I was a newlywed in 2001. I know there are some of you who can not wrap your head around being over 200 pounds, let alone 400 or 500. It’s hard to talk about it. I am ashamed I abused myself and the gift of a healthy body that God gave me.

I had a very close friend text me last week saying he believed I was very brave to be so “bare naked” honest in my blog, confessing my weight. It was a kind compliment, it meant a lot to me. I can’t begin to tell you how much my friends have supported me through this difficult journey. There are always surprises when you set out to do something life changing. My biggest suprise is some of the lifetime friends from my past, that have stepped up and really carried me through some tough times.

It’s hard to be patient, I’m getting older, and have lost a whole decade of my life being morbidly obese, staying in my bed wallowing in self pity. I am so very ashamed of that. So that is why I am so anxious to start living, I have some catching up to do.  The next 50 pounds will put me back in the mainstream of life. When I was in my 30s and 40s I could function at 400 pounds, but my body just does not hold up that much weight anymore. I can feel myself getting stronger, I can now bend over and pick something off the floor without my head feeling like it is going to blow up. I can reach and itch better. (I know, TMI, but you would not believe the torture of having an itch you can’t reach) I can tell swimming is helping my circulation. I’m grateful that I did not have a lot of circulation issues, kicking around in that pool really gets my blood flowing.

I have so much life I want to live and things I’m aching to do. So when the numbers on the scale stall, it’s discouraging. But these are the days I remember to be grateful how far I have come in less than a year. And mostly the grace God had given me. I should be dead. But I am alive. There is a purpose in my life, I know I have a task ahead. There is a reason God has helped me survive. I am anxious to give hope to those who feel hopeless. One little spark of hope can change your whole life, it did mine. So, today, I will count my blessings, be kind to myself, and Thank God for all of you who never judge, only offer support. Thank you all so much! Be blessed.

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

22 thoughts on “Disappointment

  1. Sean Anderson

    You are an example of success. You do inspire. You’re doing it every single day.
    Reaching a point of forgiveness for myself was a big barrier for me. I had to do that first and fully before I could completely embrace the qualities in me I truly love.
    You’re taking a big, beautiful, brave walk, my friend. Keep moving forward.
    There’s plenty of light and life up ahead!!!

  2. Dee

    Hang in there my lovely blogging friend. Last week I gained a pound and this week it’s still hanging around but all it’s done is make me more determined than ever to send it off with a bang next week! I’ve come to realise that dieting is in the head…your body will catch up but all the important stuff goes on up top…have a great week Kathy 🙂

    • Kathleen

      Dee, my blog buddy from across the pond, I believe you are right! It does seem my head goes first, then my body responds later. I just want it all right now! I just realized, after reading your blog the other night we starting blogging pretty close to the same time. you in August 2015, me in September 2015. I was suprised because you write like a seasoned pro! Take care my friend!

  3. Greta

    I totally agree with Sean–you are an inspiration and it’s not about the number on the scale. It’s how you continue forward on a difficult path without complaint and without self-pity. It’s how you overcome your self-consciousness to go to the pool. It’s how you face the challenge of a long walk from the car to the swim area (I know how hard it is!). It’s that you have faced isolation, tight finances, physical challenges and appear to remain kind, hopeful and willing to reach out to others. Keep all that up! That’s what inspires.

    • Kathleen

      Dear sweet Greta, you make me cry. I rarely stop to add those things up for fear of becoming over confident, but it’s something I will do more often and stay grateful. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Mama with me. I wouldn’t be going in that pool without her. Thank you for sharing those beautiful moments with your baby girl. Thank you for being such a shinning example of a Mother, who’s child is not a trophy, but a precious being loaned by God, that you are in charge of. She is blessed to have such wonderful parents. ❤️❤️❤️

  4. Kathy, dear Sister, with God’s help we can do anything. You have come so far. And He will take you all the way. Be blessed as you continue in your journey to get your health back.

    • Kathleen

      Indeed! God never leaves a job half done. I believe my struggles can be used for good. It makes me lean on my faith in God and myself a little more. It also keeps me humbled. Blessings to you Sharon!

  5. Dale

    I love reading your blog. You inspire me every day. Read these NSVs (non-scale victories) you posted today: I can feel myself getting stronger, I can now bend over and pick something off the floor without my head feeling like it is going to blow up. I can reach and itch better. (I know, TMI, but you would not believe the torture of having an itch you can’t reach) I can tell swimming is helping my circulation. I’m grateful that I did not have a lot of circulation issues, kicking around in that pool really gets my blood flowing. Awesome!!!!

    • Kathleen

      It feels less lonely knowing people like you are reading my words and cheering me on. Thanks so much Dale! Those non-scale victories really should be celebrated! Thanks for the reminder!

  6. Rose

    Aww. Kathy. You inspire me every time I read your post. As I continue to struggle I know you can give me some words to inspire me one more day.. to try. To succeed. I love how you respond to everyone. We’re not just words on a screen to you. You reach out. That is true inspiration to me. Especially when I’m having a rough time of it. It’s soothing to know that you, too have days where you are frustrated. That it isn’t that easy. It sure is a mental game to do this life style change!
    I bet the next time you step on that scale it’s going to be your 6 lbs plus! I can’t wait to read all about it and celebrate with you!

    Have a great night!

    • Kathleen

      Thanks Rose! You are absoutely not words on a screen! I value and read and re read every word. Progress takes time. And it’s worth the investment of time! Thanks for the encouragement! I’ll soon be in the 300s. Every day gets me closer! Blessings!

  7. Lori Ann

    Hang in there Kathy. So many lessons to learn – and sometimes it’s just our body doing what it does best – conserving “fuel”. I understand the disappointment of hitting a goal. I’ve stalled out and even gained 10# over the holidays that I’m trying to kick. I had kind of an epiphany in a way this past week and weekend. I live in a manufactured home – no basement or attic. My “spare room” has become my storage space. It started as a craft room, but over the years has been over run with clutter. I like to quilt/sew and for awhile HAD to sew in order to clothe myself (thank goodness I can finally fit into clothes at Catherine’s again). I like photography and have years of slides in carousels, photo albums and photos from the days of getting a second set for $1. LOVE digital cameras and easy storage! Then there is my card making/scrapbooking. I can never pass up a “good deal” on fabric, photo albums/frames or scrapbooking supplies. This excess has taken over my life. I no longer enjoy any of it because I’m not organized, can’t easily access it – and when starting a project, tend to buy new. It’s easier. Yes, but not cheaper. I had a 3 day weekend off this past weekend and spent it digging into the “bowels” of that room. I made it into the closet and found fabric from outfits I sewed my nieces and cousins 35 years ago. Boxes of patterns, sorely outdated now. I could cry at the money wasted, the time spent shopping, the space they have taken up in my life and the stress (conscious and unconscious) of knowing it is there and needs to be dealt with. Like my weight (at my highest I was 496#) I tended to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t an issue. Kind of like not taking an honest look in the mirror. Buried behind boxes as I sorted, re-packed and tossed I had plenty of time to THINK. I eat what I “should” be eating. Fruits, veggies, grains, very little meat or dairy. Doing this for a year I lost 80#. In the past year only 20# and now stalled. Why? The change in diet, eliminating bad fats, simple sugars, white flour, pasta, etc. worked but I could still eat in volume. Now I realize I need to downsize my portions and maybe re-adjust the quantity of the “good grains”. Purchasing fabric, photo supplies, scrapbooking in excess filled a need in my life for love – just like food in excess has as well. I’ve thrown out food that I’ve bought in bulk because it was a “good buy” but way more than 1 person could eat. I pack more for my lunch than I want or need -but if I bring it, tend to pick at it all day at my desk and ultimately overeat on “good’ food. I met with my counselor at the Lifestyles program today to discuss my new “revelation and realization” after the many hours and days spent cleaning and sorting. I’m no where near done, but determined to finish this to the end. I’m putting limits on the number of bins I have for fabric, etc. At the same time, I realize that is only a way to help control/contain the problem and I have much more work to do on the root cause of my behavior. It’s a journey. Actually, reminds me a bit of an onion. You keep peeling away layers, it stinks and it makes you cry, but it is good for you and adds flavor/spice to life. OK, I’ll stop talking. I enjoy your posts soooo much!

    • Kathleen

      Lori Ann, there is so much truth in your message. I also can get caugh up on stockpiling. In fact I’ve had to re-evaluate my food shopping because I can not possibly eat all I buy. There is a huge payoff in simplifying and living miminualy. And I’ve notices when I do, I embrace living, instead of preparing. Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself. Thanks for reading my blog!

  8. Raqual

    You are a total inspiration whether you have a loss on the scales or not. You know everyone is happy and enthusiastic when they see a loss, it is when you don’t see one it can be hard to stay true to your program. Sharing a disappointment keeps the process real for most of us, as lets face it this weight loss thing is not always even or fair!
    Thanks again for continuing to share all parts of the process.

    • Kathleen

      Raqual, you are so right! It’s not fair. I guess we learn through these disappointments, things we can carry with us through the next disappointment so it won’t be so hard. I think in a world where everyone hides their weakness and struggles, and pretends to be perfect, it’s important to be real. Being your authentic self is the only way to heal. I find strength in my brokenness. Blessings my friend!

  9. Brenda

    I found you through Sean’s blog—I admire your courage. I know myself how easy it is to keep thinking “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I’ll start after the first of the year” and then that time comes and goes and you put taking care of your health off for awhile longer. You have taken the biggest step by getting started and have made so much good progress—hang in there and don’t give up. Have faith in yourself—even if those pounds aren’t coming off, you are making huge non-scale victories. GO KATHY!!!!!!!

  10. “It’s hard to be patient, I’m getting older…”

    I understand this so much. I’m now 65, and still not where I’d like to be. Even though I’ve lost some, I still have more to go. I finally signed up for Sean’s support group, and am so glad you will be there, too. I already feel “understood”. I started at 460 lbs; have struggled with this all my life. I came so close to giving up lately. I lost about 160 lbs the last few years; then life hit, and I basically quit blogging. I regained about 50 lbs, and I felt so demoralized.

    But reading your story is so encouraging! I really think God has heard my cry for help.
    I look forward to March 22nd. 🙂

    • Kathleen

      Retta, I just sent you an email. I believe we can gain ground on our weight loss efforts. I am so proud of you for writhing me and being so honest. There are many, many people who won’t make that first step, and continue living in denial believing their own excuses. That is a hopeless state of mind to be in. I am also, proud of you for joining our weight loss group. It has really helped me gain momentum. The group support and the accountability is priceless. I’ve had both before, but this is different that any group I have joined. (trust me I have joined them all) I have read your blog, and felt a kinship with you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and taking this journey together. Blessings!

  11. Melissa from Australia

    Kathy you are an inspiration to so many people – never think that you aren’t. You will make that next milestone loss (under 400) before you know it. In the words of Dory (from Finding Nemo) “Just keep swimming”!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *