I did not want to write this blog today. I want to just crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head. I stepped on the scale this morning after 2 weeks of no losses, and my weight stayed the same, again. 406 pounds. I did not want to say anything to anyone. The very last thing I want to hear is;
- are you eating enough calories?
- are you weighing and measuring your food?
- are you eating too much dairy?
- maybe its the meds you are on
- your not sleeping enough
- you are gaining muscle, and muscle weighs more that fat
- Did you eat enough protein?
- Did you drink all your water?
- maybe your body is not ready to let go of those extra pounds
- look at all your non-scale victories
- Did you eat ham or drink soda?
- maybe you need to have a good poo
- It’s probably just fluid
- Don’t let the scale define your worth
- Does your body think it’s starving?
- Are you eating enough vegtables?
- are you eating enough fiber?
For me all of these excuses are possibilities, but not probabilities. The fact is, I’M EATING TOO MUCH! Ok, there, I said it. Am I binging? NO. Am I eating junk? NO. Am I eating at night again? NO.
But I know, I’m being sloppy. I do weight and measure my food, but I’m not 100%. I nibble while I am cooking. And I rationalize it all away. The voices in my head justify when I eat too big of a portion by saying “that’s so much less than you use to eat” “you don’t need to measure you food, you can eyeball it and get pretty accurate”. I also have to confess, the morning I weigh myself (Tuesday) I do let my guard down. On those days I pile more cheese on my sandwich, I eat an extra 100 calorie bag of snacks. I randomly eat out of the fridge, just standing in front of it. If I am gong to truly gain back my health, and talk about being honest, I have to first be honest with myself, and then be accountable.
NOTHING makes me more angry than someone who whines about a plateau, using every excuse in the book, knowing deep down in they are eating too much, yet not admitting it to themselves or their support buddies. I have no tolerance for it. The reason this angers me so much is because I see myself in them. Isn’t that so often true, when you see your own bad habits and flaws in someone else, we often judge them harshly?
This addiction to food is a powerful thing. It is very smart, and very sneeky, that addiction will desperately do anything to get food. Even though I have not had a candy bar within the last 12 months, if I did, I could rationalize eating a snicker bar if given the chance. When I feel guilt about snitching food, I remind myself of the 131 pound lost and it seems to lesson the guilt. Oh the lies we tell ourselves. I take pride in being a moral, honest, decent human being. Confessing that I am a lier, is really hard, and I feel so shameful.
I know that scale should not rule your weight loss efforts, I always hearing about non-scale victories. There is some validation to that, but I think it’s often, not always, just a big fat excuse for going off plan. Unless I have a very serious medical issue, a 400 pound woman should be losing pretty consistently on a 1400 calorie diet. I’M EATING TOO MUCH!
I would probably keep losing weight doing what I am doing, but very slowly. The fact is, the cheating I have done all along, has caught up with me. I have lost enough weight that my body does not burn up the extra calories I was hiding from myself, and everyone else. This is the point where many people quit. But I can not afford that luxury. If I quit, I will die.
I was surfing the web for plateau excuses when I made the list above. I found the most candid article about plateaus. It simply kept reminding me that I AM EATING TOO MUCH! here is a link to the article.
Because I am a creative human being, I love to cook. I have all the latest gadgets, and high end cookware in my kitchen. I have spices and ingredients in my pantry most people do not have. I watch food shows and cooking competitions on TV. I think about food way too much. When I make a meal, I do not use recipes, I just freelance it. And I am really good at it. I know all the fundamentals of cooking, so it becomes a creative outlet. This is not good for someone who is trying to lose weight. It’s like a drunk being a bartender. It’s possible, but not probable. I see this behavior in other too. Mostly at Christmas. NO ONE needs to eat sugar. Yet, even the most dedicated dieter, will make massive amounts of cookies over the holidays, in the name of doing it for the sake of tradition or family. I rarely, if ever, see a recovering alcoholic handing out bottles of liquor at Christmas. Having it sitting on the middle of the kitchen table, and all over the counters. There are some who can do this, but it’s rare.
So, now that I have confessed, and analyzed my behavior, I need to have a plan and take action. This is what I am going to do. Get back to basics. I love how Sean Anderson, my friend and blogger of “The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser” eats. He posts and photographs every morsel of food, and everything he drinks, including water, on his blog. Honestly, this guy never cheats. How do I know that? The scale, his weight loss has stabilized for some time now. I do not believe I need to post my food like Sean (but if this ever comes to the point I feel need to, you bet I will) But Sean has given us the privilege of being so open we can learn from him. He keeps things simple. He does not make casseroles, or gourmet food. Sean eats basic food, only food he likes, and pretty much eats the same several things over and over. I have decided to simplify my grocery list, eat only food I love, and create a rhythm to my food prep. I have been buying groceries in bulk, once a month or so. My lack of mobility was the excuse. But with grocery stores delivering for a minimum fee, I can buy fresh food more often and in smaller amounts. In time I will be able to go to the store myself. I look forward to that day.
I knew this weight loss would be a bumpy road. But I was not prepared for this many bumps. These are potholes! But I want to heal from the inside out. I want to get the fat out of my head. I have a big life to live, and I can not afford wasting time. I am being humbled in a way I never thought I needed. I’m uncovering so many things in my character that have been buried for years. If I knew all of this ahead of time I would not have even tried to lose this weight, because I would not see any hope. But I’m too far in to turn back. As far as weight loss goes, I am burning bridges of old habits and thinking behind me. It’s one of the few things in life where burning those bridges is necessary.
I really worried about posting this, I want so badly to inspire, and be a shiny example of hope. But when I put myself in your shoes, I would rather someone be totally honest, then pretend everything is perfect. What usually happens to weight loss bloggers that fail, is their guit and dishonestly eventually causes them to fade away, post less, then they go silent. I will not fade away. These are all necessary experiences to make us stronger for the next obstacle ahead. Blessings to you all!