I’ve been a bit of a negative Nancy lately. And my recent blog post reflect that. I’m not saying that my post are not valid. I’m just saying it’s important to lighten up once in a while. Losing over 300 pounds is a lot of serious work. It’s about digging deep, learning things about yourself you never realized. I have certainly been doing that. Some of these discoveries are deeply personal and very serious. Sometimes as I drag those flaws in my personality out of the darkness, they can sometimes come out sideways spilling all over the people I love the most. I just need to remember to take a break once in a while and feel the joy that is welling up inside of me.
I have come to realize I’m saying one sentence frequently…..When I get my weight off I will……..WHEN, yes WHEN. I seem to be living for tomorrow, and forgetting about today. It’s true, that I am working very hard at getting healthy. This includes much more that watching what I eat. I have many long conversations with mentors, and supportive friends, I read a lot. None of it is recreational reading. I read a lot of self help books, books about growing in my Christian faith, and motivation materials. I believe what a former pastor once told me, “You become like the people you spend your time with and the books you read”.
It’s ok to take a breath, and enjoy your progress mid-stream. Not just saving it for when you “arrive”. In fact, like I have said many times, “there is no arrival”. I fear backsliding so much, that I think I hold back my joy. What if I let myself feel that Joy, and I unravel again? I forget to embrace today. It’s important to enjoy the process. Because the process will be going on until the day the Lord calls me home.
One more reason I believe I do not let myself feel joy is fear. Moving forward and actually living my life requires bravery. It involves doing new things, and things I have not done in years. It’s scary. There are so many “what if” factors. It’s humiliating to say it, but even going to a restaurant, makes me jumpy. What if they have arms on their chairs and I can’t get my butt in them? What if the parking is far away or I have to walk stairs or up a hill? There are a million “what if’s” in my head.
But it’s time to start living again. I have a strong faith in God, I have turned my life over to Him, then why don’t I trust he will work these things out? I am going to work on this right now. Baby steps, but steps non the less. My head was full of “what if’s” when I took the initiative to go to the pool 3X a week. Now, the worries I had about going swimming seem a bit silly. It’s still hard to get there, but only hard, not impossible. It gets better every week.
So tomorrow I will meet some friends for coffee. I will remember to pamper myself a bit. Give myself the care and joy I have worked so hard for. It’s time I wake up and smell that coffee!