When I was deep into my binging and eating anything that was not nailed to the walls, I was very immature emotionaly. I was hyper sensitive, I had the thinnest skin on the planet. I almost looked for things people said to offend me. I was the victim, and as shamefully as it is to admit, I felt those around me who had what I didn’t, should come to my rescue. These things are really hard to admit to, even today. I craved attention, and was a master at getting it. I was super sweet, overly generous, and played the sweet poor victim. When my life collapsed, and everyone I loved died, I used the sympathy of my friends to my advantage. It was not something I really want to admit, and I rationalized every bit of it away. I feel great shame about these awful defects in my character. I also wasted a lot of years wallowing in self pity. This is my truth, and until I saw who I really was, and took personal responsibility, I could not truly take care of myself, eat like a normal person and regain my health.
All of those ugly things in my life, have been exposed to the light. And the most amazing thing is happening to me. All of those ugly character defects, God is miraculously transforming into the most valued treasures in my character. My Immature emotions have turned into maturity, I do not fear feeling things that are difficult, and I feel joy much deeper. My defensive nature, and thin skin, has made me into a more perceptive understanding person. My victim mentality, has given me the wisdom to help people who truly have a need, instead of rescuing someone in order to become lovable or a hero. Now let me be clear, I have not arrived by any means. I have a lot of work to do on my character. But I am so much better, and recognize this behavior before it gets too far or creates damage. I still step on toes occasionally, and when I recognize it, I give a heartfelt apology and move on, hoping to do better.
These things have had great affect on my eating habits, and self care. It’s very stressful to hide personal flaws. And it’s even more exhausting to hide them from yourself, because you are constantly rationalizing your behavior. I was always wound tight with a lot of anxiety. Food became a stress reliever. I use to make huge portions of food and binge on it. The whole time I was in the eating process, I shoved food inside of me faster than those 4th of July hot dog eating contest at Coney Island. The whole time I was shoving food in my mouth, I was emotionally flatlined. I felt nothing, it totally blocked out the mess in my head, and the faster I could eat, the better it numbed my head. I was totally unaware of why I was abusing food. It was primal urge that I felt I could not fight off. But as I matured emotionally, that drive lowered it’s intensity.
There is a theory regarding alcoholics, that says the alcoholic quits emotional maturity around the time he starts drinking heavy. So If he starts drinking in his teens, as a 40 year old man he may have the emotional maturity of a teenager. I believe I experienced some of this with food. I had the emotional intelligence of a child throughout my life. I had and still have a lot of child like qualities. This has now morphed into my being a very approachable person.
It never ceases to amaze me how God is the master of recycling. He takes the rubble and the garbage of our lives, the dirty and stinkiest parts of us and transformed them into beautiful functional qualities, but only if we let Him.
I start next Monday taking life coach classes on line. I want to become a certified life coach, and help those who were lost and unhealthy like I. I have a lot to learn, but figuring myself out is the biggest step. Honesty is not always about telling lies, it is mostly about stepping out of denial.