For some reason I’ve been really down. I have not mentioned it to anyone, it seems kind of pointless. I really didn’t want to worry anybody, and honestly, I was in no mood to hear all the standard comments about what I have to be thankful for. I am fully aware. Even an Olympic athlete get’s weary. Also, friends with the best intentions trying to cheer me up. Sometimes all you want is to be heard and someone to sit with you. I will shake it off, it’s all part of the emotional damage from living so long alone and being morbidly obese. My rational side of my head knows it will pass. So I just keep moving forward. Living by faith and not by sight. But I can’t seem to stop the tears.
I know it’s depression. Who wouldn’t be depressed living in a morbidly obese body? The road seems so long. I’m not getting any younger, I question if I am too late to really create the life I want. I wonder if I will be alone like this the rest of my life. I worry endlessly about finances and things I need to do to my deteriorating house. When I feel this way the regrets and fears can really pile up. Isolating does not help it much, so I have been pushing myself out the door, even if it’s a little drive to go out for coffee.
It’s funny how your thoughts spiral downward when a person gets like this. All my failures, flood my head, as well as all the relationships and people I miss that I have lost. When you are working at creating a better future for yourself the process can be long and grueling. I picked up the phone several times, and went through my phone numbers in my phone, but couldn’t find anyone who I could share such intimacy with that was available. I can’t stand to be patronized, even if the intentions are good.
In the past I usually dealt with this by cooking something like a big batch of spaghetti in meat sauce, with a quart of ice cream. It was my “go-to” when I felt like I was drowning in deep depression. But even if I did that, I could not enjoy it. I’ve come too far. I know it would only make me sink deeper. For that I am thankful. I would rather feel this, and get past it, than stuff it down and let everything fester even more.
Depression is fickle. I can shut down and be weepy for days, then wake up the next day and feel totally different. This is not a crisis, it’s all part of the process of learning to feel my feelings instead of avoiding them. It just does not feel very good.
I have been committed to writing my totally honesty on this blog. This is my reality. There are days that I just have nothing inspirational to say. This is one of them.