Depression

 

For some reason I’ve been really down. I have not mentioned it to anyone, it seems kind of pointless. I really didn’t want to worry anybody, and honestly, I was in no mood to hear all the standard comments about what I have to be thankful for. I am fully aware. Even an Olympic athlete get’s weary. Also, friends with the best intentions trying to cheer me up. Sometimes all you want is to be heard and someone to sit with you. I will shake it off, it’s all part of the emotional damage from living so long alone and being morbidly obese. My rational side of my head knows it will pass. So I just keep moving forward. Living by faith and not by sight. But I can’t seem to stop the tears.

I know it’s depression. Who wouldn’t be depressed living in a morbidly obese body? The road seems so long. I’m not getting any younger, I question if I am too late to really create the life I want. I wonder if I will be alone like this the rest of my life. I worry endlessly about finances and things I need to do to my deteriorating house. When I feel  this way the regrets and fears can really pile up. Isolating does not help it much, so I have been pushing myself out the door, even if it’s a little drive to go out for coffee.

It’s funny how your thoughts spiral downward when a person gets like this. All my failures, flood my head, as well as all the relationships and people I miss that I have lost. When you are working at creating a better future for yourself the process can be long and grueling. I picked up the phone several times, and went through my phone numbers in my phone, but couldn’t find anyone who I could share such intimacy with that was available. I can’t stand to be patronized, even if the intentions are good.

In the past I usually dealt with this by cooking something like a big batch of spaghetti in meat sauce, with a quart of ice cream. It was my “go-to” when I felt like I was drowning in deep depression. But even if I did that, I could not enjoy it. I’ve come too far. I know it would only make me sink deeper. For that I am thankful. I would rather feel this, and get past it, than stuff it down and let everything fester even more.

Depression is fickle. I can shut down and be weepy for days, then wake up the next day and feel totally different. This is not a crisis, it’s all part of the process of learning to feel my feelings instead of avoiding them. It just does not feel very good.

I have been committed to writing my totally honesty on this blog. This is my reality. There are days that I just have nothing inspirational to say. This is one of them.

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

17 thoughts on “Depression

  1. Michele Rager

    but….these words are inspirational, my friend. Truth shared by one is liberating to another…vulnerability brings freedom to another. xoxo

  2. I don’t know if you are aware of how much courage it takes to write and share your dark days with your admirers, so I am writing to tell you how much you have helped me by simply and humbly sharing your dark day with me. I am having one of “those days” also. I know how I should be feeling, but I am afraid today. I have been crying and doing some shopping, working hard to not fix my feelings by spending money I want to save for a big vacation we are leaving for in 8 days.

    I am afraid I will not be able to walk and that I will ruin the vacation for my husband who has stuck through a lot with me. Please don’t make the spaghetti. I didn’t buy a candy bar and that took a lot for me. I didn’t get the candy bar for the same reason you won’t enjoy the spaghetti. It is not a solution that I want.

    Your honesty in your blog has been so helpful for me in identifying patterns of behavior that have allowed me to stay “morbidly obese,” and I have lost 5 pounds… and kept it off for over a week.

    You are a beautiful child of God and so am I. Your honesty, courage and vulnerability are a Godsend to me. Thank you.

    • Kathleen

      I promise I will not eat spaghetti, that would only elongate my misery. I totally understand your fears. I hide my struggles for a very long time, because I was ashamed. But I finally realized my fear was not holding me back near as much as the shame. Once we put it in the light, it loses it’s grip on us. Praying you have a beautiful trip and enjoy your time away with your husband. I can relate with the spending as well, it’s so easy to use shopping to ease that anxiety instead of food. The real answer is to find peace inside of ourselves. Blessings to you my friend!

  3. Greta

    So sorry you’re feeling down. Maybe because I’m in my early 60s and live in a body that’s 200 lbs. overweight and have suffered from several long episodes of depression over the course of my life, your blogs always speak to me so loudly and so clearly. I wish there was something I could say to cheer you up but I don’t have those words. If it helps, I hear you and understand you and wish I did have the words that would help.

    • Kathleen

      I think it’s pretty normal to feel some depression, after all, I ate my way to over 500 pounds. There is a lot of hurdles in that. But I am jumping them all. The beauty in being older is knowing feelings come and go, nothing last forever. Take care my friend!

  4. Sue

    You are my inspiration, not that I want to put any pressure on you 😍 I love you and have the confidence that you will pull through. One very small step at a time. I believe in you and then there is the fact that you are my Sister and I love you 💖💖 I will catch up w you this week. Thanks for being real.
    Sue

    • Kathleen

      Thanks Sue, it sure has been a roller coaster ride, but you have stuck with me through it all. I love you to my soul Sister.

  5. Karen

    Even though you may not see this post as inspirational, I believe that it could be to some people that may have these exact feelings. I am glad you have shared stout feelings of depression. You are in my thoughts and prayers, friend! Jesus loves you and so do I!

    • Kathleen

      Thanks so much, I really hesitated posting that. But I think it’s important for me to share my reality. A lot of bloggers quit blogging when they do not have anything good or inspiring to say. But this is all part of the process. Thanks for the encouragement Karen.

  6. Tammie Collins

    Kathy, I wanted to tell you that even though you felt you had nothing inspirational to say, your honesty and your ability to feel the feelings instead of burying them with food or spending is so inspiring to me. If you can feel those dark feelings, and still carry on, then maybe I can do it without overeating (or shopping) too.

  7. m

    Have you considered that you might be morbidly obese *because* you’re depressed (and not the other way ’round)? In my experience (and it’s only my experience, not claiming to know if this is true for you), I was self-medicating my anxiety and depression with food (and then became depressed).

    Please consider visiting your physician to discuss medication and talk-therapy (I found that both helped me). If you do go that route, make sure also that you discuss “weight-neutral” anti-depressants, vs. medication with a side effect of gaining weight. Did you know there is even a medication now that can be useful for binge-eating? I am taking it for other reasons (there is an anti-depressant effect, too), and three weeks into taking it, I realized that I wasn’t binge eating (if you can believe it, I didn’t notice at first).

    The decision to take medication is a very personal choice; I don’t presume to know your exact circumstances, and, as with anything, there are risks and side effects. Talk therapy was (and continues to be) a very useful tool for understanding what triggers me, and how to re-frame my thoughts. I view my medication as a tool, too– it has reduced the binge feelings so that I now have the ‘space’ to ask myself what it is my body needs, and 95% of the time, I decide that I want to eat my vegetables first!

    • Kathleen

      Thank you for the advice. I am under my Dr’s care, and feel confident she and I are making the proper decisions for my health and well being.

  8. lee

    I know my family and friends love me, I know the Lord loves me, I know I am richly blessed but my heart hurts sometimes and I cry….for a long time. When I need that bowl of spaghetti, I have a light breakfast and eat my big meal at lunch so I don’t end the day feeling heavy. 2-3 oz spaghetti..1-2 cups of veggies..1/2 cup sauce and maybe zucchini noodles….gives me the big bowl of spaghetti my mind wants and the big bowl of veggies my body needs…a cup of chocolate black tea and I can indulge my feelings without abandoning a good eating plan. Writing my feelings gets them out of my head…I can feel what I need to feel and move on to another day because I know that every day is a do-over.

    • Kathleen

      Indeed! I always remember this verse when I feel I want to eat, and don’t have many calories left…
      Lamentations 3:22-23
      The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
      his mercies never come to an end;
      they are new every morning;
      great is your faithfulness.

  9. Dee

    Kathy…I don’t have words to make you feel better, I wish I did. Just know that in that virtual way we do, I’m in the sidelines, rooting for you. This too shall pass…

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