In Purgatory

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I always try to keep this blog real. Sometimes I worry I am too much of a whiner and a “Debbie Downer”. But for now, the ups and down are my reality. The good news is, I am feeling so much better than I have in years. The bad news is, my body is still stoping me from all the things my new hope and spirit want to do. I am in weight loss purgatory. Although I have changed in many ways, I am temporarily suffering the repercussions of my self abuse. The silver lining is, that a full, and wonderful life is right around the corner. And because weight loss is more about losing a percentage of your body weight than the actual numbers on the scale, the next 50 pounds will most probably have a bigger impact on my wellness than the last 143 pounds. It’s like taking off on your bike in 10th speed. The peddling is hard, and you move slow, but soon your gain momentum and you start moving faster.

I am bored and lonely beyond belief. I do not say that for you to feel sorry for me. I am no longer a victim.  I am use to being alone, so I can alway find something to do, but I long to be really living again. When I was at my heaviest, I did not feel like doing anything, and I slept a lot. Being content when you are alone, does not mean you do not feel loneliness. Of course a fantasy romance would be fun, but I just need people and family. Day to day people in my life. I am grateful for a handful of friends who have stuck with me. But being alone I sometimes think WAY too much. I can totally understand why people who live a lifetime in solidarity are often a bit eccentric or a bit off beat. I see that in myself, and I do not like it. I have to really be careful of thinking to much and building resentments towards those friends who have walked away. It can be like watching a rerun movie over and over, and the resentment grows if I do not shut it off. It’s different when you do not have day to day family or spouse to keep your centered. And its so easy to become self centered. Which is different than selfish. Self-centeredness often happens accidentally, when your whole world is only you. I see some people go through that when they have been in the hospital or have had a long illness, have a baby, or really anything that has consumed someones attention for a period of time. We become single minded, and start believing our situation is completely unique. And we often find ourselves explaining our uniqueness to whoever will listen. Just because we crave to be understood. When in reality, there is a whole world of folks who live “shut in” lives and live vicariously through their computers or even a child or family member.

It’s way past time for me to get back in church. I keep putting it off until next week, but it’s time to stretch myself once again. This is not an excuse, but I want someone to understand how hard it is to always go places alone. When I was a single young adult, there were more single friends, and people who had time to just hang out. But as I have gotten older, my friends all married, have kids, and are always trying to just find time to do the normal things in their lives. I’m kind of looking forward to the day I can say I am too busy to do something. So, I will use you all as accountability, and say I am going to church next Sunday morning, rain or shine.

I have to keep pushing myself forward, if I don’t I will start to go backwards. I think I have babbled enough today, and need to wind this up. I go to the Doctor next Friday. She will be pleased at the weight loss. I believe I have lost a good 60 pounds or more since she last saw me. Thanks for reading everyone, you don’t know how much your sweet messages and encouragement keeps me going.Thank you so much for that!  Be blessed everyone!

by

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog. I am a Baby Boomer from Nebraska blogging my way to good health. I am single, with no children, I have a little white maltese dog named Lily. Follow my journey to lose 1 pound 300 times.

8 thoughts on “In Purgatory

  1. lee

    Thank You for letting me in on your thoughts. When I isolated myself after my husband’s death, church is where I started to reconnect. There were so many supportive people available when I was ready to begin to reach out and I could go as fast or slow as I was comfortable. Losing the emotional weight seems more difficult to me than the physical weight, yet I cannot do one without the other. I absolutely appreciate the ability to walk this journey with you. When you are home struggling, I am also home struggling…we can do this together.

    • Kathleen

      Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. I believe there are many of us. So many of us hide behind a veil of false shame. Loneliness is not a product of being less than, defective or rejected. Yet society can makes us feel that way. There are many who are lonelier than I and in relationships. Church is a good place to get re-conected. I am ready to start a new beginning. Take care my friend.

  2. Theresa Trudeau

    I understand your feelings of loneliness. I am going full time to briar cliff and have no time even for family, sometimes. Not to the extent you have it though. You are an inspiration to so many! Bless you for posting!

  3. Jeanne

    Glad to know we will see you in church next Sunday. Like you said, there are others who experience these same feelings, and especially having to go places alone. You are keeping it real Kathy. I don’t read all your blogs, but did see this one tonight and it intrigued me. I read it, I get it! Praying for you often. Love you.

  4. Joan

    Oh my goodness! I have been reading your blog since Sean referenced it on his blog but I had no idea that you knew me so well. You could have written this post about me. I go to work (an hour away) and come home, that’s it. I no longer go to church, I have no friends and my life in totally centered around me. Not in a selfish way but in a “that’s all I have” way. I have cousins but we have never been close, I have no friends, my Dad is dead and my Mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s so essentially I’m alone too. I guess if you’re starting with church that would be a good place for me to start. First I have to find one. I moved back to my home state 9 years ago and haven’t settled on a church yet. Thank you so much for this post.

    • Kathleen

      Joan, there are a lot of us. Be patient with yourself and keep moving forward. There is more hope than you realize!

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