So many times in my past efforts to lose weight I have compared myself to myself. In other words, if I was not having a good day with my food, I often covered the guilt with the line “well I am not eating like I use to eat, so it could be worse” I think maybe we have all done that.
I remember the last time I lost a lot of weight 20 years ago, when I started gaining it back I would say “well at least I am a far cry from what I use to weight so I am doing OK” or, “well if I don’t go over 300 pounds I will be fine because I use to weight over 400″ My weight and eating kept escalating until I no longer had any comparison left.
My head is an expert at rationalizing bad behavior, and then believing the lie I told myself! I know we talk a lot about ” progress and not perfection” but falling off the wagon even for one day is not progress!
I have been getting slack at the night time eating again. It seems to be a monster I will have to always tame throughout my life. So, my hamper will once again go in front of the door to my kitchen every night. It is humbling to admit, and even more humbling to blog about it. So far this has not caused too much havoc in my weight loss, but it will if not nipped in the bud.
I am going to the Dr tomorrow, I am always a mess the week before I go. And can’t sleep the night before. I hope someday I will get over the fear. It’s much deeper than I like admit to. It makes no sense, I am so much healthier than I use to be (see, I am comparing myself again, but this time in a good way) I feel good, and I am about 60 pounds less that last time I went. I also love my Doctor, she is a long time friend and we have a history of friendship and many mutual friends. Her faith is the same as mine. I am getting pretty good at self talk.
I like bring along my friend Linda, whom I adore! for some reason when I am at the Dr I forget everything we talk about. So its good to bring a friend, especially since I have no family or husband. We have been friends almost 40 years. We use to cut hair together, and she is one of the most interesting persons I know. If she heard me say that she would deny it. I met Linda in the 70s and she was the first and only true hippy I had ever known. But as an example, I was talking to her this morning on the phone, making arrangements for her to go to the Dr with me tomorrow and I kept hearing a honking sound. I said, Linda, what is that noise? She said, “oh probably just the barn swallows” I said no, its a honking sound, she said “oh, that must be the PEACOCKS, I am doing chores, feeding her Miniature Donkeys. How many of you have had a phone conversation with honking peacocks in the background? I am so grateful for this beautiful friendship. We have walked each other through all the major events, both happy and sad, in our lives. Those kinds of friends are treasures!